Playdate scheduled for Saturday
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| Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:24pm |
I made arrangements to have another little boy come over (with his brother) to play with my boys. He's a year younger than Nathan, but also HFA. His mom and I have been talking about this for awhile, and are going to try it out and see what happens. She's been real reluctant and a bit nervous.
I told Nathan about it today. And he wasn't that thrilled. He seemed real nervous about it, and kept telling me no. And then he walked up to me, eyes all welted up with tears and he whispered, "It's going to be hard". I felt just awful. I had him sit on my lap, and we talked about it. I explained to him that it would probably be hard....just like when he was learning to read. But that the reading got easier because we practiced. I told him that they wouldn't be staying long, and that this was just practice. That we have to practice having kids over to the house, so it gets easier....and not so hard. He does well when we go out or go to someone's house. It's just that now, we have to work on kids coming to OUR house. This is a very rare occurence, so we need to pick up the traffic flow a bit!!
He seemed ok after our talk. I know he's not thrilled, but he seems willing to try. I know he's not a real socialable person. But I do want him to be able to converse with other people and to learn how to navigate our world independently. These are skills he's really going to need. It's just so hard because I feel like I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do......even though I know it will be good for him in the long run.
michelle

Michelle, I think it's a great idea! The visit doesn't have to be long. It could even just be 30 minutes, or even 20. If they can end the playdate on a pleasant note I think it will help for the next time. Then they won't be so afraid to do it again. Who knows, the boys may surprise you both (and themselves) and end up having a good time and not wanting to end the playdate for a longer period of time.
I know how you feel. I avoid a lot of things because I think it will be hard for Duncan (I'm just realizing how many things I actually do avoid). If we don't stretch their comfort zone, I think it actually shrinks. They get even less confident and more reluctant to do anything new or different, even if they have done it before but not recently.
I'll be watching to see how it goes, and I hope it goes well.
((HUGS)) for you and for Nathan! it will be hard. Weston has always liked the 'idea' of having friends come over, probably because Warren and Amelia have friends and always had kids over, but he never liked having the kids actually in our house and playing w/ his and others toys. He'd sometimes go around taking toys away and protecting them or putting them all in the cupboard so they counldn't be played w/. He also would run away from the child that came over.
I think you're handling it well, telling him he needs to practice, explaining how it'll work. I'm sure the other child is having some of the same kinds of anxieties. It may be a short visit too, which is probably good so that they both can work up to something longer.
Hope it goes well!
Betsy
ps. oh, I went to a conference on social strategies a few weeks ago, they advocated using video taping of positive play dates (or even just a positive interaction) to reinforce the positive social goals for our kids. The just edited out the things that were awkward or negative and showed the child the positives, over and over. They suggested picking one social goal (ie. initiating an interaction, saying hello and asking another child to play) and working on that for a month or more until they get it. They even used a situation where someone prompted the child to say hello and again promted the child to say "do you want to play blocks" and then edited out the promting and let the child watch this lots of times over the month that this was his goal. The reinforced behavior became 2nd nature fairly quickly. Just a thought since it's a practice maybe he'd be willing to watch how he did (after you edit the tape).
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Michelle,
It's so important for you to be taking this step. We were lucky enough to find a therapist who runs social skills groups just minutes from our house. I can't begin to tell you how beneficial this has been for Chase and his teachers have even commented on how it has helped. Last night there was a new kid in the group who was afraid to join in and Chase actually went to him and invited him into the group and reassured him and everything. The boy even said bye to Chase and patted him on his head when he left...I was overjoyed!
Nathan might be worried but it will help him. Something you might want to think about that I heard from a social skills guy on a morning show is that it's a good idea not to have NT in the playdate. He said NT's are naturally a more desirable play partner. This happens often when I bring a classmate of Chase's home from school. He tends to interact with my dd more than Chase. And like someone else said, even if the playdate goes awful, if you end on a good note it's what the children will remember. Good Luck! Vicky
I'm keeping my fingers crossed it goes well and Nathan has some fun. Let us know how it goes!
Teresa
So it is saturday Michelle, and just so you know, we expect and update on how it went after the playdate is done!
Good luck and hope Nathan has a smashing good time.
Renee
Yes, Michelle, inquiring minds want to know how today went.
I feel there are so many things that are hard for our kids --- that they naturally DON'T want to do and are terrified of --- that we do teach them slowly how to do anyways, because we must, such as the haircutting thread, going to doctor visits, bedtime, paying attention in school, etc. I know the difference feels like, if they really wanted to have friends, they would --- but here we are with children whose disability IS about and through socialization. I think if you speak with most grownups with ASD, they would say they wish someone had patiently taught them how to have friends when they were young.
Anyways, I also think you are doing the right thing, and that this will take practise and repeated attempts. This will also not always go smoothly. One of the best benefits I've found from the constant work of building friendships for Malcolm has been the relationships I get to have with the mothers and fathers of his friends, so that I get to have friends and hang out, too. This has made parenting an ASD kid just not so bloomin' lonely and over-exhausting.
Friendship is priceless. I bet Nathan will learn how to have and be a friend, and you will be so very glad you put in the time for this gift!
So, tell all!!!
Sara
ilovemalcolm