playground incident
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| Sun, 09-11-2005 - 7:13pm |
My weekend has been rotten. This story is just the icing.
Today I took ds (possibly on spectrum, 3 1/2) and dd (NT) and cousin (NT) to a local playground that is designed for kids with physical handicaps, but open to all. This playground works well for us as it is fenced in.
DS has develped a lovely new misbehavior of hitting other kids with absolutely no provocation. I (of course) have to watch him like a hawk when we are out in public. S there I was, trailing him all over the playground, trying to do the fine line thing of following close enough to grab him if need be, but not hovering and spoiling any chance for interaction. Anyway, he went up to a child we knew and kind of bopped his head on the other child's bottom as the child was climbing up a ladder. I spoke to him and told him if he had any further misbehaviors we would leave the park.
He walked up to a baby about 10-14 months old, pulled the baby's binky out of his mouth and threw it on the ground. The mother hollered at him, "HEY! That wasn't nice!!". She was quite loud and dramatic. I told ds that wasn't nice and he needed to say sorry, which he did. I then told him we had to leave, and he cried while I rounded up the other kids and sand toys. The mother said nothing when ds apologized. You know, I understand her being bothered by the behavior, but she could have at least acted civil when he apologized.
I just sit here in tears as I write and I know it isn't really about the woman. It is about the whole thing. The way it is so hard to bring him places at times. And yet it is so important for him and my nt dd to do so. It is hard to see him and myself judged, when I try SO HARD to teach him appropriate behavior. She has no idea for example, how difficult teaching him to apologize has been. As for me, I only speak to someone else's child if the parent is no where in sight, or off lounging on a bench while the child terrorizes others. I just feel strongly that she should have let me handle it, and not yelled at ds. I know she as probably feeling a little mama bearish, but still. I wanted to holler, You have no idea lady!" I should probably count my blessings and be glad ds didn't start melting down or hitting when she yelled.
I don't know why I am reacting so strongly to this. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to get my sad self to bed early. :) Thanks for listening.
Chrissy

((((((((Chrissy))))))),
I hate it when other people correct my kids, too. I really think is NOT their place, and I never correct another kid if he mother is aound. (of course, around here the mothers hang out in a gaggle and leave the kids to run wild, unsupervised).
Ya know, you are "overreacting" (not really IMO) because, as you said, this is the icing on a very big cake, and it is very tough to be the mother of a high needs 3yo. It does get better as they get older, BTW. Peter was a total nightmare at that age, and now parents often comment how 'sweet' and 'polite' he is. If only they knew how much work went into that! But four years ago, I never would have dreamed anyone would say that about him.
I just had a thought: I wonder if you DS's behaviour of hitting other kids, is his way to attempt interaction? Peter's "let's play" invitation at that age to run up to a kid and body-slam him/her! (Yes, that took some explaining to horrified parents. Fortunately, he was smart enough to choose kid similarly sized or bigger than himself. -He used to pat toddlers). If this is your DS's clumsy play invitation, then that is a good sign. He wants to initiate play! You will need to work on more appropriate invitations. Try some role-playing with your NT, if possible (if not, with DH).
Feel better.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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Chrissy, I'm sorry. I know just how it is. It's a really hard age. My DS is 4 years old.
Of course, I am waiting to use the line "Sorry, I only take criticism from parents who have raised an autistic child!"
Hang in there, honey
Cathy
I totally relate. When my ds was 4 and 5, and we were new in our neighborhood, he used to do some REALLY inappropriate, bizarre stuff, which we now understand was due to his mood disorder and AS. I won't go into details right now, but it was the kind of stuff that I would have to apologize for, but first I'd have to chase him down, and carry him into the house and he shouted "obscenities". He was too wild and out of control for me to even consider having him apologize himself. The parents never actually said anything, but they'd always look away from me as if whatever freaky disease we have might be catching.
Going back to when he was 3...that's when his mood disorder started, and most of the negative aspects of AS. Before, we figured maybe he was gifted, and certainly unique, but there wasn't any real "problem". We had a little playgroup that we did every week with a few other kids, and one of the kids was a bit loud and aggressive. Well, David began to respond to that with bursts of maniacal laughter and in-your-face goofiness, which freaked the kid out and made him get more aggressive. The kid's dad ONLY saw David's strange, annoying behavior, and never his own son's stuff. It kind of took a toll on our friendship.
Medication, maturity, and time have all made things a bit better. Okay, a LOT better. Currently, the worse thing I have to deal with in a playground situation (not school), is that David will see groups of kids yelling and playing tag or something, and he gets irritated by the noise and just GLARES at them.
It's definitely hard when other parents act like what that woman did. Some people just have no clue. WE understand, though! :)
Evelyn
Thanks everyone. It is good to feel understood. I hope everyone is right and ds gets easier as he gets older. If someone says he is sweet and polite at age 7 I will be thrilled!
Yes Paula, DH and I have also wondered if this is a poor attempt at social initiation. He is sometimes verbalizing "I am going to hit the boy" before he hits, and in those cases I am often able to redirect by suggesting, Do you want to give the boy a high five or do you want to ask the boy to play, etc.
But, since preschool started last week, and the behavior did not occur there, then I also have to think part of this is ds pushing our buttons - the verbalizing part at least. He will say it multiple times. It got a strong reaction from us (naturally) the first few times it happened. Now I just mention the consequence the first time he says it and /or redirect.
I read the blessing thread earlier tonight and lots of people mentioned their child's disability made them more sensitive/less judgemental. I guess that is true for me too. I am now very unlikely to judge another parent, yet I often feel judged by people. At ds's age it is easy for people to attribute his behavior to poor parenting.
I have to remember that your perspective is quite different if you only have NT children. The truth is that woman is just doing her best every day, just like I am. Maybe she had a bad weekend too.
Chrissy
Oh, what you need is your ultra thick wet suit skin suit. Yep, a leather hide is what is needed here and comes to pass after a few of these episodes. Sometimes it fades but you will get it back.
OK, first, things are LOADS better than they were when the kids were 3ish. 3 is tough because it is just starting to be a real social time for preschoolers and ours have a really tough time at that age. But we still have the occasional moment to bring me back down to size.
What you need to remember is, you will likely not EVER see this woman again. She has no idea what kind of parent you are and what you have to teach your child compared to others. Her oppinion DOES NOT MATTER. At all. The only people who's oppinion matters about what kind of mom you are are you own kids.
I shall make you feel better with one of my most embarrassing playground moments. Imagine your 9yo ASer at a park. He is stressed and obsessed with going across the monkey bars back and forth. It is good calming heavy work. He is also quite tactile defensive and OCD about his hands. WELLLLL this rather overweight girl his age gets on the monkey bars in front of him while he is waiting (not real patiently) assuming it is his turn. She can't go and he is waiting and she finally falls. HE goes right over the girl to grab onto the bar, drops to the ground and says "That fat dog got the bar all sweaty!" loud enough so the mom right there heard it.
Yep, had to do the "my son has autism" speech and was looking for groucho marx glasses. Believe it or not, lots of folks will let something go at 3 or so, but 9, not so much. lol.
That is another thing. Don't be afraid to do the "my child has special needs" or "my child has autism and is still learning appropriate behavior". Not only shuts these moms up in thier tracks but extends a bit of awareness around of what autism is and that it may be all around when they don't notice.
Renee
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry, and I can really sympathize with you. My daughter is just 3 and just dx'd. I have been in situations like yours too many times. Last week Kivrin "hugged" a newborn (literally days old) before I even realized the mom was breastfeeding. Then on Monday she pulled a smaller girl accross the asphalt on her face because Kivrin didn't understand that it wasn't okay to insist the other child hold her hand and run. It was bad. I'm not sure how we will be recieved at playgroup tomorrow.
I can't give you any advice. I'm so lost at the moment that I'm sure anything I could tell you would make it worse. However, I can tell you how much I understand those looks, and the occassional angry parent and the feelings that no one else has any idea how hard you try every waking minute of every day. People tell me it gets better and I have to believe that, because my daughter deserves that.
I really hope tomorrow is a good day for you both.
Mary
Chrissy (((hugs)))!!!