Practising to be a grownup
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:45am |
We have an VERY interesting development here. Malcolm (age 8, PDD-NOS) has decided to take on being a grownup! I actually think this started with his fantasies of running away 'cuz he just got so angry at the way dh and I arbitrarily change his life, 18 grownups come and go per year, schools change, life with us stinks! He wants Kids to Rule, and he was seriously plotting his escape, planning to take 3 of his best pals, steal a camper he saw outside our apt. building parked on the street, and head for the wilds of Connecticut (thanks, "Madagascar!") to live undetected in the woods. He was writing out versions of his plans, leaving me little goodbye notes, discussing with his pals...
Anyways, this has started a series of discussions with us and his teachers, about rules and obeying them, anger about rules, unfairness vs. fairness, etc. And the great thing is, he has decided to learn what is necessary for being a grownup (I still think fueled by idea so he can run away some day...) and practise how to do it! I explained that even grownups have rules, I HAVE to go to work, etc. But some things can be altered, and we are working on where he can have control NOW, in order to learn more about being a grownup and feel better about living with us for now. He has been good at negotiation for awhile. We recently sat down and started writing up a list of what rules are negotiable and what aren't.
For example : Getting out of doing homework ISN'T an option, but WHEN he does it can be up to him. He still only gets 2 hours of screens a day, but can earn more time if homework and chores are finished or scheduled (and he does it) and if there's time for it. Unused time can be saved for weekend. Bathtime and bedtime are not negotiable, but he can also earn staying up later on weekends.
And all his afterschool activities (with exception of psychotherapist 2 xs a week) are up for negotiation. He can quit some of them if he wants. He did take a break from swimming lessons as a part of this discussion, so far he has chosen to continue with ALL the rest of them, and we do have him scheduled with a heavy load. Anyways, if he starts squawking about going, I ask him if he's ready to give up the activity. He considers this, and so far, chooses to go.
But of course, the best part is that he is beginning to understand that losing his temper and screaming and crying too long is NOT something that (most) grownups do. He actually stopped in the middle of starting to scream at me about a command I was trying to give him, pointed out where I was being unfair (I actually was...) and asked to negotiate. HUGE step! I was so excited I wanted to both cry and laugh, but I managed to maintain and not go all effusive on him (embarrassing, Mom) and do the negotiation. I kept what I needed him to do and offered choices around that need. Calm and reason returned almost immediately to his face and voice. HOORAY!
How excited am I? Pretty much... We'll see where this leads. Today after school, we are taking some of his allowance, he is walking to the corner and across the street by himself (with me somewhat behind him), into corner deli and buying himself a treat of his choice with his own money. We are going to pretend we don't know each other, until we both get home into the apt., as he is going to use his own key!
Sara
ilovemalcolm
