Preschool...Help me please....
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| Fri, 11-04-2005 - 8:13pm |
So, my 3 year old daughter started preschool 2 days a week, 3 weeks ago. In the beginning of September we were told she was most likely on the spectrum, but on the AS end, not classic at all. Somehow my DH got convinced that preschool was going to teach her all the skills she needs and everything would be perfect.
Anyway, she went 2 days and then got a stomache flu so she's only gone a total of 5 times. However on the 3rd day I asked her teacher how things were going, expecting her usual "Great", and got a short list of problems instead. She doesn't follow 3 part directions. (Does she follow one step directions? No? Then why are we worried about 3 steps already). She doesn't interact 'normally' (Does she interact? Yes? Well that's better than I expected.) She doesn't want to do things with the group, she wants to do her own thing. (Duh.) The the teacher gave me a list of things to work on, including potty training (How do you potty train a child that won't admit she's dripping wet and needs clean pants?) and left it at that.
Then the next day I went to pick her up a little early so I could observe for a few minutes. She was sitting in one of those "cozy coop" cars in the middle of a concrete riding area, but not moving. All around her other children were yelling at her to move and, running into her car with bikes, and trying to pull her out. One little girl recognized me and asked me to please take Kivrin home now. I was heart broken. Kivrin didn't even seem to realize the other children were there, much less upset.
Her teacher told me she did great in tap dancing class that day.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to pull her out and bring her home where no one will ever hurt her. The rest of my understands that's probably a stupid idea. DH wants to give it several months because "No one's life was ever ruined by a bad preschool experience". Kivrin seems fine with going to school, although she gets physically ill every day after she's been to school, so there must be some stress. She won't really tell me anything about school however.
What would you do? Why is parenting so freakin' hard? I laugh so hard when my single friends tell me how difficult their day was....
Mary

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Hi Mary,
Is this a typical pre-school? Is she getting any kind of supports? I think she needs an aide or someone to work on the interaction. It's great that she's w/ typical kids, but the regular teacher just doesn't have the time to devote to her that she needs to really benefit from that experience.
Sympathy store: When my DS was 2 and in pre-school (and we had no idea of his issues) his teacher told me to have a talk w/ him about leaving his shoes on: RIGHT!
I'm sure the others will have better advice. But I empathize, I really do.
Hang in there,
Cathy
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I cryed when I read your post because my son will be starting pre-school next year and I am already dreading it for exactly the same reasons you described in your post. Jake is very friendly with adults and is interested in other kids but he dosen't know how to hold up his side of the conversation. His eye contact is pretty bad and sometimes he's just totally spaced out or engrossed in what he's doing to even notice other kids want to play with him. I stopped going to my weekly playgroup for a while because it was just so painful to watch other kids his age interact with each other while he was engrossed in Thomas the Tank. At the playground he would walk up to kids and say his name and then ask the child what their name was and when the child would reply ,he couldn't carry on the conversation so then he would just start naming things around him.Needless to say the kid would look at him like he just landed from space and just walk away. One child actually asked me what was wrong with him and she couldn't have been more than 5 herself. Sometimes I wish time would stand still and he could be 2 forever, at least he would never know how cruel other kids can be and I could protect him. I hope I haven't totally depressed you but I'm having one of those days myself.
Teresa
Mary,
I agree with Tina. It sounds like that placement is not meeting her (or your) needs. She needs more support (you both do!).
Now, if I remember correctly, you needed a teacher referral befoe they coudl consider placign her in a special preschool. Right? Can you get that referral from this teacher? I think it's time...
No advice re your DH. Sorry.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Hi Mary,
That sounds rough and I really feel for you. I think your dh is incorrect, however, it is actually very important what her experience is in preschool in terms of her learning how to interact and be happy in groups. I agree with others that a school designed for her will be much better. The current school doesn't sound like it will work, and there is no shame in that, it is just a fact. Many jobs don't work for us as grownups, this is part of life for us, no big deal. Same for our kids.
How many kids are in the group? The bigger groups will not be good for a child with any PDD, too much noise and activity. That little car is a safe enclosure and she is finding ways to meet her needs there! I would look at the very least for a small group placement.
Just to say that a special needs preschool was terrific for our son. He was not with typically developing children, but I am not as big a fan of the need to be with typically developing children in school settings as others are, given the overwhelming nature of most schools. My son has always been in special schools, often with children much like him. Which means while they have some challenges, they are delightful kids!!! And make great friends and companions. We now have him in afterschool programs with neurotypical kids and he does very well for those shorter periods of time and in smaller groups. He has learned over time and is a happy, verbal, self-confident kid!
This is just to say that the MOST important thing is that the schools and settings you choose work FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, NOT that your daughter should be forced to try to fit in with others. This is about what she can do, not what she can't. You will find you want to build on her strengths and increase her challenges gradually as she develops, not try to teach her by placing her where she cannot succeed.
Good luck, please feel better. You will get more information from how she reacts and about what she can and can't do at this moment in time and this is crucial, and will be very helpful in your decisions moving forward. Your observations will be the source of your real knowledge and ability to help her. You will develop a sixth sense about what is right and will help, you'll see. The paths by which we teach our more unusual children do not look the same as the paths of NT kids, but it is more important that they grow up well than that they do it the same as everyone else...
Many (((((hugs)))).
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
THANK YOU! Once again you folks have made me feel much saner.
I really want to get her in a special preschool. My OT friend works in one and she makes it sound so perfect for Kivrin. DH just doesn't agree. He has a lot of AS traits himself and can be pretty rigid about what he takes as "proof". He doesn't mean to be insulting, but he trusts the opinions of complete strangers more than mine and won't believe Kivrin needs any special help until a random professional, with no information from me, makes the assessment that she could benefit form such help. He really doesn't want me to talk with her teachers about her, or any of my concerns because it will bias them. He looks at the current preschool situation as an experiment that I will ruin if I tell the teachers about the earlier evaluation. As much as this upsets me I know that he will not be convinced any other way. If, at this point, I push for services and get them, he will always think that I manipulated the situation, got our daughter unnecessarily "labeled", and created a self-fulfilling diagnosis. I'll never get the support I need from him, unless we do it his way. I tried to talk to him about it again yesterday and it didn't go well.
On the upside, the school has parent-teacher conferences scheduled for next week. I think we can all make it that long, and then I'll try again.
Mary
I have some questions...I have lurked on and off and am still waaaay new to this but my DD (2yrs, 8 mos) finally received a PDD-NOS diagnosis last week and also recently started pre-school at the county RECC 5 days a week for 2.5 hours a day.....
What kind of pre-school is Kivrin in? Is it private or a part of the school system? Is she getting additional services or just attending preschool with the hope that she will 'pick up' the social stuff? Are her teachers used to working with our kids, or just little kids? i ask because of the comment that she is not interacting normally? Well normally for whom???? I think pre-k is terribly important, but only if the taching staff is your team, not the opposition or at the very least unhelpful. I am really understanding how blessd we are to live in our county, but if Kivrin is in private, I think you should check with the school system, and if she is in the school system, then it sounds like you need to meet with your services team and find out exactly what the strategies they are using are designed to elicit, and what the plan b and plan c options are...
good luck to you
ml
Mary,
I have been trying to rack my brain to come up with ways to make your DH see how obstructive and potentially destructive to Kivrin's development he is being. (strong words I know, but man, this is *really* bothering me!).
Here is my suggestion: Step back and let *him* deal with her more. As soon as he is home from work, suddenly remember an errand you need to run and stay out for hours. Send them out to the park or to McDonald's playplace to have some quality time. Make him go to the school to see how she interacts wth other kids (I don't care if he is busy at work . She is his *daughter* he should *make* the frickin time). Seeing her in relation to typical kids may help him to see that she is different. He is not going to take your word for it, so you have to put him in a situation where he can see for himself.
If he refuses to do any of this, then he has stepped back from his parenting duties, and doesn't have a right to make decisions which are uninformed by serious research and observation. You should insist that he either get involved, or let you handle the decision making. It is not right that he leave all the parenting to you, but disregard your opinions and then overrule your decisions on hugely important issues regarding your daughter.
Again, sorry if this is strong but I'm seriously ticked at his attitude.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Just to add on to this...
When I first raised the issue to my DH that I had serious concerns about DD, he was in complete denial. He kept saying, "But she's brilliant!" (Which she is, of course, but that's not really the issue.) When I brought up certain behaviors that concerned me (the massive tantrums, the inability to interact with other kids, the difficulty with imaginative play) he kept saying, "She's only 3. All 3-year olds are like this." And when I'd say, "Seriously, how many 3-year olds do you know!?!?" he'd say, "She's just developing on her own curve." And I let myself believe this too, for a while.
What finally happened was that the whole family went to the library one Saturday morning. There were lots of other 3-year olds there, and it was VERY obvious that Sylvia was NOTHING like those other kids. When it was time to go home, we got back into the car, and DH was visibly shaken. He said, "I had no idea how different she was." We made an appointment with our pediatrician a couple of weeks later.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's possible that the reason your DH doesn't think anything is wrong is because he just hasn't had an opportunity to see it. Once my DH finally realized that there were serious issues we needed to address, he became the #1 researcher in the family, going online to look at articles, reading books, etc. He's totally with the program now, and he's amazing about it. So I think having him go to Kivrin's school to observe, or take her to the park, or whatever, is probably a good idea... And then hopefully the two of you will be on the same page...? (Maybe you could even have him talk to Kivrin's teacher?)
I really hope this all works out for you, and for Kivrin!!!
Jennifer
Well.....Kivrin has no services at this point. I started to type out the whole stupid story, but it was getting long and I was getting more and more angry with DH....
The basic situation at this point is that I can't get services for my daughter unless she gets a referral from a teacher, and DH won't let me ask the teacher to give us a referral yet. He wants to wait and see what happens, and won't ever believe that she needs extra help until a stranger recognizes it and comments on it without prompting. Guess which side of the family my daughter most resembles...
Right now she is in a good a school. There are 14 kids in her class, 2 teachers except for the hour around lunch time when there are 3. It's a structured program that concentrates on lots of personal care skills as well as social and academic. It wasn't my first choice, but my husband was uncomfortable about sending her to a religiously based school. It's clean, neat, bright and sunny, and very professional. If my child were nt I think I would love this place.
Right now, I guess I'm more frustrated with DH than anything else.
Mary
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