Preschool...Help me please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Preschool...Help me please....
18
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 8:13pm

So, my 3 year old daughter started preschool 2 days a week, 3 weeks ago. In the beginning of September we were told she was most likely on the spectrum, but on the AS end, not classic at all. Somehow my DH got convinced that preschool was going to teach her all the skills she needs and everything would be perfect.

Anyway, she went 2 days and then got a stomache flu so she's only gone a total of 5 times. However on the 3rd day I asked her teacher how things were going, expecting her usual "Great", and got a short list of problems instead. She doesn't follow 3 part directions. (Does she follow one step directions? No? Then why are we worried about 3 steps already). She doesn't interact 'normally' (Does she interact? Yes? Well that's better than I expected.) She doesn't want to do things with the group, she wants to do her own thing. (Duh.) The the teacher gave me a list of things to work on, including potty training (How do you potty train a child that won't admit she's dripping wet and needs clean pants?) and left it at that.

Then the next day I went to pick her up a little early so I could observe for a few minutes. She was sitting in one of those "cozy coop" cars in the middle of a concrete riding area, but not moving. All around her other children were yelling at her to move and, running into her car with bikes, and trying to pull her out. One little girl recognized me and asked me to please take Kivrin home now. I was heart broken. Kivrin didn't even seem to realize the other children were there, much less upset.

Her teacher told me she did great in tap dancing class that day.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to pull her out and bring her home where no one will ever hurt her. The rest of my understands that's probably a stupid idea. DH wants to give it several months because "No one's life was ever ruined by a bad preschool experience". Kivrin seems fine with going to school, although she gets physically ill every day after she's been to school, so there must be some stress. She won't really tell me anything about school however.

What would you do? Why is parenting so freakin' hard? I laugh so hard when my single friends tell me how difficult their day was....

Mary

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 7:02pm

Here's the thing about my husband. I'd bet a considerable sum of money~~and I'm not a gambler~~that he is AS. He has tons of sensory issues, and he's so literal I'm not sure how to talk to him sometimes. His social skills are occassionally appalling. My jaw just drops when I hear things he says, and the way he says them to people at social functions. He's also a very successful scientist. He honestly believes that when someone responds to something on a purely emotional level that he has a right to berate them. Everything must be proven. Anything is open to argument. To him Kivin's behavior is exactly right. He doesn't get why I raise my eyebrow at some of her questions (Me: "This new stool is a little high." Kivrin: (confused scowl on face)"Mama. Is it little? Or is it high?")

So, what I'm trying to figure out is how to deal with my AS husband when its not a subject where I have the luxury of just throwing up my hands and saying "Fine. Do it your way!" Ironically, the biggest problem here is that he won't step back a little from his parenting to see that the reason I'm fighting him so hard is that I really believe he is dealing with this in an improper manner. He's never wrong. He's supremely logical...how could that be wrong?

I've actually been stepping back and making him deal with things that I normally wouldn't. However, I'm not sure he understands what he sees the same way I do. He'll send her up to clean up her toys and act like its just defiance when nothing gets put away. He thinks I'm babying her when I sit on the floor and keep reminding her to keep putting the blocks in the box, until every one is in there. He thinks I'm being cute when I remind her several times during a meal to chew and swallow before putting more food in her mouth.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:48am

First big hugs! I can't imagine how i'd make it through all of this with my DD without my husband being on my team....

That said... I'd risk the fight and call Early Intervention.... the one thing we can all concur on is that the earlier services are received, the better. I don't know how an evaluation can be done without parental imput, but I'd risk the fights... I'd ask for the referral and if he has a problem with it..too bad... He and his ego (nothing is wrong with me, therefore nothing is wrong with my child)aren't doing any of you any good. Unless he is monitoring your every word and move....
Here's the thing, if there is nothing wrong, what have you lost, but if their is a problem and you do nothing, what have you lost...

I am not, in general, an advocate for being disruptive, but Kivrin can't make these decisions for herself, thats our job as a parent, and if he can't set aside his personal issues about the subject, I really think you have to step up to the plate and take him on....

jmho and good luck to you...DD has been in the RECC pre-school for 2 months now and she is doing wonderfully and I kick myself for not following my gut when she was 18 months instead of waiting until she turned 2....trust me you don't want THESE feelings of guilt....

ml

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 12:27pm

I understand what you're saying and I agree. I really do. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make DH understand, so he doesn't feel like I don't respect his role in parenting. I know that he, like me, only wants what's best for her. We don't disagree that she is the center of our lives and decisions, just what we can do to best serve her needs. I've been trying very hard to find a balance between what he needs, and what our daughter needs.

I don't plan to let it go on like it is very much longer. We have a parent teacher conference next week, and the following week we will going to see my family out of state for Thanksgiving. My sister has a 9 year old son that was very much like Kivrin when he was 3. He is now having major problems at school, and has been referred to a psychologist for evaluation. My sister, and his teacher believe he has AS. However, he's never had services at all, and it shows. He's a brilliant kid, but his social interactions and self care skills are seriously impacted. I am hoping that after my husband spends some time with our nephew, and talks to my sister about what she's going through, that it will be easier to get his cooperation. If not, well, we get our second opinion the following week anyway because I've made an appointment with the ASD expert at the children's behavioral health center for the 30th.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 12:46pm
Mary,
I am in a similar situation with my husband. He sees me as a little hysterical about this but has no problem with my ds getting services because he says "it will do no harm".He feels if my son never got services he'd be just fine too. I had a conversation with him recently about when we would tell our ds about autism and he almost freaked out and outright refused to talk about it. I believe my dh is somewhere on the spectrum himself and I think his attitude is, I'm fine and so my son will be fine. The only advice I can give you is to get help for your child. It may cause some stress between you and your husband but in the long run it is a small price to pay. My husbands cousin who is now 17 is very obviuosly AS and never recieved services because his dad preferred to see him as "gifted" and refused to see the fact his son was socially sufferring. His mother told me recently she didn't get help for her son because her husband was so adament that they didn't need help. She said it was something she would regret for the rest of her life and that now it was too late. For me it's very hard to deal with the fact my dh refuses to accept my son has issues and I often feel very angry about the fact that I'm the one making all the phone calls and doing all the therapy sessions. When the kids are in bed I'm the one reading books about autism or on the computer searching for information. As my ds grows and matures I think it will become more obvious to my dh and maybe then he will understand and accept it. Until then I feel at least one of us has an obligation to help our ds reach is fullest potential and I think the only way to achieve that is through all the different therapies he is involved in now.
HTH
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:06pm

more hugs and prayer your way then because its clear this is very difficult for you. I think the same thing that makes us a good parent can also make us a 'bad' parent with regard to this stuff...we know our kids! With my hannah, there are TONS of things she does at home that she simply doesn't do at school and when i tell them they mouths often drop...as a result our observations of her skilss etc are quite different from the evaluators and i could have made a bigger fight, but i just decided, if I am right, not a huge deal, plus she is in preschool for a great price (free)..if they are more right than I am...well she is getting the services she needs.....

hugs & prayes

ml

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 6:14pm

(started this last night, but have been crazy busy, sorry.)

I agree he probably is. His illogical logic sounds rather Aspie. Of course, in that case my original strategy will probably not work, because he will see her acting as *he* did as a child, and what's wrong with that? Didn't he turn out just fine? (just don't let him ask *me* that question right now! )

Well, the other approach is to argue it scientifically: As a child is not comprised of fixed and completely measurable parameters, The standard approach when evaluating a child, HAS to be different than say, counting the number of electrons in molecule. The evaluator has to take input and information from many places, primarily the primary caregiver. The evaluator must determine which input is valid and which is not. S/he may also choose which standard tests to perform based on this input. If this information is omitted, or WORSE, distorted (and saying there are no problems or concerns is a distortion); then the evaluator is working with incomplete information or incorrect assumptions and the result will be inconclusive or FALSE.

Waiting for a private preschool teacher to say something is a huge gamble because:

1. This assumes the teacher knows enough to see the issues, and an inexperienced teacher or a teacher for whom the child does not present a huge behaviour problem, may not "see" it (I have so BTDT).

2. It also assumes that the teacher, if she notices something, will *say* something. The teacher may be afraid to approach you, a paying customer about such a matter in case you freak out and remove your patronage of the establishment.

3. The teacher may think you already know, but chose not to tell her (which commonly occurs, BTW) After all, if the issues are so obvious that she can see them, then you or your doctor surely must be doing something about them, right?

The long shot is to convince him to have himself evaluated and DXed because if he has it, there is a MUCH higher probability that she does. It's genetic, scientist boy.

Have you given you DH any literature about AS let him draw any connections?

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:20pm

Thanks for all the advice and support. I talked with my OT friend yesterday and then had another talk with DH. We agreed to wait a couple more weeks so that the teacher has enough experience with Kivrin to know that she's not just a slow to warm kind of kid and then we'll make an appointment to talk with her together.

As far as letting DH read information. I have, but he's only read a little bit. What to know why (you'll find this amusing, I think).... He didn't want to bias himself about her behavior. In fact, he was convinced that he would "create" connections where there were none if he read anything.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:02pm

Mary,

>>He didn't want to bias himself about her behavior. In fact, he was convinced that he would "create" connections where there were none if he read anything.<<

ROFL! You were right. I found it highly amusing. I think somewhere, deep inside, he knows he is in denial and wants to stay there. I read some of the intervening posts, I guess around 8-16 and realized you had a plan to circumvent him if needed. I think that makes perfect sense.

GL with it all.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

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