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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:01pm |
Was wondering how people manage having a job and also getting your ASD kid to school on time. I don't have a formal dx yet, but my ds has so many characteristics, I am sure he is on the spectrum.
The problem I am currently focusing on is getting out the door in the mornings. My ds is in mainstream all-day kindergarten where he gets pulled out for ST two times a week (which btw has worked out fairly well in most respects). He does fine once I get him to school - but getting him there on time has been a major problem for several months. Some mornings, I can't get him to eat breakfast and usually he will not dress himself without some help. Sometimes we're late because he'll have a melt-down. There have been mornings where it has taken more than an hour and a half to get him ready and out the door.
When we get to school, he doesn't want to go in without me, he said he is scared of the empty hallways. So I walk him to the office to get the tardy slip.
The Vice-Principal approaches me on a regular basis about his tardiness and there is a lot of pressure to get him to go to the office by himself to get his tardy slip and to walk by himself to his classroom. Yes, I can see that this will be a good skill for him to have. We have made progress compared to where we were in January. My ds would have a death-grip on my hand and I had to walk him into his classroom. He'll now go down the hall without me after we go to the office together.
Sometimes we both end up stressed out and so often he is not in a very good place emotionally by the time we get to school - so trying to get him to do what they ask seems like so much! Thank goodness school is almost over.... but I am concerned about how to handle all this once he hits first grade.
The school is being fairly lenient with his attendance problems because he is only in kindergarten - but I've been told that they expect me to to drop him off before the school bell rings with enough time for him to go play in the school yard and then go into school like everyone else once the bell rings. I've talked to the VP about what has been going on (ds has been VERY hard to handle ever since he found out his Dad was engaged), that I am in the process of getting him evaluated (appointment is not until Oct 2nd), etc. And she says she understands, but I don't think she really 'gets' it. Are they really going to understand it when you explain that your kid was late because he missed his favorite promo on PBSKids and had a major melt-down because you wouldn't 'rewind' PBS for him?
Then, to top it off, I end up being late to work. My boss has been pretty sympathetic and lenient as well. But I worry that they'll run out of patience and then I'll be out of a job. How does a person hold down a job with this kind of nuttiness going on? Somedays I think I am just a bad parent and I should be able to figure this out - and I'll hit on something that works for us for a few days, and then we're back to melt-down city.
I worry about being able to keep a job, make a house payment, etc. and somedays I get so depressed about it all. Sorry this is so long, but I have so little support - some from people at work, very little from the ex and my family but plenty of judgement.
What do you guys do in your day to day lives? What works?
TIA,
Abby

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Abby,
It make take some trial and error to find out what works, but try to take a step back, and analyse the "good" mornings versus the "bad" mornings: What was different and what can you change in the "bad" mornings to make them "good"? Sometimes the answer is "Nothing!" -there are always mornings which are just plain bad! The goal is to minimize their frequency.
Watch him on weekends to note his natural wake up schedule. You know how many of us are useless until we have showered or had that all-important first cup of coffee? Your DS is probably exactly the same. Try to find out what works for him naturally, and see that if you can build a morning routine which is closer to that schedule. Ya know, That is not bad advice for Mom to follow, too: Would it help you to get up 10 minutes earlier so you can have your cup of coffee / morning news fix / prayer / stare into space time in peace?
It's hard to do, but it really helps to be organized, upbeat and cheerful in the morning. "Our" kids can really feed off our moods, and if we are grumpy, disorganized and rushed, they will feel flustered and under pressure and that's when they drop things, lose things and have trouble with shoes and socks.
It does get better as they get older. BTW
My DH now gets the kids out to school and he has them on a pretty *strict* schedule, but not a very *tight* one, if you KWIM. He wakes them an hour or more before it's time to leave the house (therefore they go to bed pretty early). They need that morning 'veg' time. They are slow starters; -especially Peter. They can tell time, and earn TV privileges by getting stuff done quickly. Say the schedule is:
7:15-7:30 get dressed
7:30-7:45 eat breakfast and watch TV
7:45 Turn off TV, brush hair and teeth.
They know that if they take only 5 minutes to get dressed, they have an extra 10 mins TV time (and that it works both ways)
I also say if you want to change your routine; work on one item at a time, (say walking to the office -or whatever) and gradually build up to the routine you want instead of trying to make sweeping changes.
I am trying to remember what we did when they were younger. I used to be the morning person then:
* They used to get dressed downstairs, so I could help them to dress without having to run up the stairs every two minutes.
* We didn't watch TV. We watched a tape, and I knew exactly how long that tape ran. As soon as it was over: TV off, and our "walking out the door" routine started. I had to be sure to have backpacks, library books, lunches and coats all present, correct and in their starting places before that tape stopped, or the kids would be out of routine and well... out of routine!
* A morning checklist customized for each day helped me a lot BTW. Things like Mon: S. Gymn day -put sneakers on her. Tue: Library day (both) -send in books. This checklist included the usual lunch and folder stuff for each day -to cut out the amount of thinking I required in the AM. -I am not at my best first thing!
* We had a picture and rewards schedule for Peter, who used to be a VERY difficult kid in the mornings. It was made up by the school, The first item was "I wake up with a happy face". (LOL) He got a sticker and lots of praise for every step he completed. We shared with the teacher if he got a full chart (he was in special Ed pre-K).
* I don't know why, but it was easier for him if I didn't go into the school. He transitioned better to the bus. When I did have to drop him off at school, and aide came out front to greet him and walk him to the classroom. I don't think this was policy, I think we realized that the less time *I* spent inside the building, the better *he* transitioned!
* Siobhan used to need "hugtime" in the morning: i.e Sit with mom for deep pressure hugs. I quickly learned to build this into the schedule and it was well worth the five minutes: Without that hug, she would be whiny and "ungrounded" and would take at least twice as long to do everything.
Sorry for the novel. I hope some if it helps!
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
I work full time and my DD goes to school. During my interview process, I didn't discuss my kids etc... When I was offered the job, I told my boss "My daughter has mild autism. she goes to school, but I have to drop her off, she is too young for the bus and I wouldn't feel comfortable putting her on it. I will be in after I drop her off. Will this be a problem? She responded, not at all, as long as you get your work done. as I am on salary, i get paid whether it takes me 10 hours or 20 hours to do the same work... anyway, talk to your boss, he/she needs to understand what you are dealing with, and anytime something is going on, i'd keep them in the loop.
We have a pretty set morning schedule...I get up a half hour earlier than the kids so I can get myself together, then we have a half hour for getting dressed and 45 minutes for breakfast and getting in the car...what helps is that DD is in a special needs pre-school class so they come out to meet the children in the same place everyday and after a few days, the drop off point became comfortable for DD, so unless she isn't feeling well, drop off is much easier.
Is it possible to get an aide for your child? There are lots of children with aides at our school and they come out to meet the children and it seems to make drop offs much smoother.
Why is your evaluation so far off? Are you doing a private evaluation only? I'd get the school to do one as well. It may make it easier to get the assistance you need.
Thanks for the info, diva!
It was easier when my ds was still in a special-ed preschool - they did have the aide helping the kids at the drop-off point! At this point, what I have been told is that someone from the office will walk my ds to class if he balks at doing it alone. School is almost over here - I am going to see what I can get set up for next year, though.
Last semester, we weren't having nearly the same problems that we are now. It all got worse when my son found out his Dad was engaged. I have seen so much more troublesome behavior, more defiance, more melt-downs, etc., since that happened - but it does seem to be gradually calming down some.
The bosses at the job I am currently at is being pretty understanding - for now. I guess I am concerned that they will decide after awhile not to allow me to make up the time. Also, this is an interim job - I am trying to work and go to school part-time in order to get a second degree - then get a different job. My old career is basically gone - I used to be in IT and there is just no way that I want to try and raise an ASD kid as a single parent and also try to hold down an IT job (In the past, I was on-call 24x7 and expected to work overtime at the drop of a hat - not very family friendly).
I guess I was just wondering how many employers are going to be flexible about this type of thing.
Well, I've heard some bad things about having the school district here do the eval. I've been told they are not as knowledgeable, have pressure to not give a kid a dx, etc. So the advice I got was to go outside the school system - however, we only have one developmental pediatrician in our area - thus the long wait.
To Paula - thank you also for the good ideas. My son's natural wake up state is that it can take anywhere from 2 to 5 hours to get him to eat breakfast and get dressed. LOL! I am working on it with him.
Thanks again!
Abby
I just went back to work this year and specifically went to work for a friend who understands my family and situation and is flexible. She also has 2 kids on IEPs (learning disabled) so she understands.
I used to work but not since my oldest was in kindergarten so I don't know what to tell you there. If it starts to be an issue, then maybe you can do some problem solving on how to make up the work you have missed or something like that. I am sure if they have been nice thus far they will be good at working out some ways to make things work for everyone.
As for school and getting there on time, that part I do understand and it is tough. We have had our fair share of tardies with Miss Cait over the years. ALWAYS it became an issue when she was stressed, usually about school. Suddenly everything was off kilter.
Things that help relieve stress for our kids are schedules and set expectations. Perhaps you can do some rearranging and materials prep to help. One thing you may want to do is nix TV in the AM. When it became a meltdown issue I found it easier just to make it off limits all together at that time.
Here are some easy tips.
1. Get as many things together the night before as possible. Clothes out, lunch packed, homework in backpack and backpack by the door or in some set spot, Shoes and jacket with the backpack.
2. Make a schedule or morning checklist of the things he must do for school. Ours is basically get dressed, hair and teeth, eat breakfast, take vitamins, put on shoes and jacket, get your backpack.
3. Provide a reinforcer for completing the work. You can add stipulations afterwards like completing it without behavior problems or completing it independently but for now just completing will be good. TV is good at this point if it isn't going to be the cause of a meltdown issue. If you do give TV prior to school make sure to give him ample warning when the TV is going off and when you have to leave for school. Also, if he starts to meltdown or have a problem around the TV it just goes off. There really is no use in trying to reason with them when they start to really go off like that over a routine so I just take away the option.
I have MAJOR issues with the schools attitude toward how he goes to school. (warning, vent starting) Yes, being independent may be what he needs to learn in the future and perhaps what they expect of NT peers but he is a KINDERGARTENER for gosh sakes and a kindergartener with special needs to BOOT. Just because they want him to walk in alone doesn't mean he is able to yet. And it certainly doesn't mean because he can't do it at 5 that he won't be able to do it at 16 or 20. GEEZ.
I have to tell you, if Cait is stressed in the morning and late I still walk her in if she wants me too, which she usually does if late (not on regular days). She is 6th grade. When they are stressed and overwhelmed they really need that safe person there with them. It is scary and it is 5 times as scary if you don't have good communication skills and there you are out there alone and out of routine. I would rather they ask for help appropriately then meltdown so they don't have to do something they can't.
I would work out a routine with the school where your son will be successful going in. Mike has just started walking into school this year on his own. Even when on time. And he is in 4th grade. It is wonderful to see him walk in with his sister, but every day last year I walked him all the way to class daily. Sure it isn't what typical kids do, but our kids are not typical. Just because you take away a childs wheelchair and tell them to walk doesn't mean they can. Our kids may have disabilities that are invisible to the naked eye, but they are disabilities none the less.
Honest, in your place, I would tell the school unless they want to provide an aide to meet your child out front each morning, then you will be walking him in. Then I would try to get him there a bit early and give him a chance to adjust to being at school for the day prior to starting the day.
EVERY kindergarten I have ever been too WANT the parents to walk the children all the way to class. Most of the parents walk the kids to a line where they wait until the teacher picks them up. Only in 1st grade did they start having kids line up with the regular classes and even then I walked Cait every day (Mike too) and I wasn't the only parent. There would always be 2 or 3 of us that walked our kids in. I even did it at one school where they told me no other parents did. I told them "bully for the other parents. Most don't have special needs children. I am walking her in".
Geez. some people.
Renee
I agree with Renee, the school is being completely unrealistic. Do they have a good special ed dept.? I understand you are working on an evaluation. Doesn't the school also need to do their own eval? Since he has speech, he must have an IEP. What do they have him qualified under? If the school continues to be unrealistic, you may need eventually to get an advocate and write in accomodations such as an aide to walk him to class, etc. They cannot expect him to just pick-up skills, unless they have a comprehensive plan for TEACHING him these skills, hello. Do they expect you to somehow do their job? Could be.
There is a big chance that your ds may not be ready to walk to class by himself next year. And as your ds gets older, there may be many other accomodations that this school may have to make. Getting the initial evals will halp you and sd begin to figure all this out. But just the difficulty you have getting him ready and into school tells me that this may take awhile here.
I work fulltime as a freelancer, so I can work my schedule around my family. We also have a pretty set routine in the AM here, but we also have never had a problem with getting ds to school or bus on time. I have never, however, even considered allowing TV in the AM. We need to sleep til the next possible second here, our sleep is mucho valuable!
Good luck, let us know how things are going. You say ds is giving you trouble because of Dad's engagement, but there may be more to it than that. As he ages and understands more around him, he also may discover more that bothers and confuses him, such as school! And this may be causing stress that really escalates around going to that more difficult place, etc. KWIM?
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
i understand...in my job for money (as opposed to my job for life =mom) I am an attorney and when I had to leave private practice (and a heap of money) because it just wasn't conducive to parenting 2 small kids (3 & 4), nevermind one with a PDD-NOS diagnosis at 2. Is it possible to get an advocate or someone to help you 'fight' with the school system? I know some parents have had success when uncooperative school systems by having an advocate fight to get the outside evaluations considered.
sigh, bless their hearts - children are so sensitive to everything that is going on around them. I hope your little one adjusts to the upheaval of dad's engagement soon enough.
how does your son do on a reward system? My NT 4 yr old has a chart that literally is half morning activities and half bed time - lol1 I figure if I canget him out the house and in the bed - all the reest is gravy! lol... DD is pretty easy - she likes jeans so if you give her jeans and her socks and shoes - AND let her pick her shirt....she can be dressed in 10 minutes!
What about having your son help choose his clothes the night before? that might motivate him to get in them in the morning....i am grasping at straws but hope it helps....
an attorney......you openned a boat load of danger letting us in on that one deary....ROFL.
Well, heck, when your kids are a bit older perhaps special needs should be your area.....I know a few referrals for you already.
Renee
You got some great ideas, I just wanted to pipe in here what works for us....of course this is on an average day, not the worst day....lol.
I need to be out of the house no later than 7:40, so I shoot for leaving the house by 7:30.
Did someone say "Attorney"?
So what are the amjor differences in IDEA '04 vs IDEA '97 anyway? and whats ith the NCLB act? And how do I... oops forgot. Darn ADHD! (Now where did I put that list of questions?)
Don't go away. I'll be right back (...with lots of work...)
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Abby,
Boy, your post sounds VERY familiar. My ds (AS) is also in all-day kindy and I work full time. Getting ds on the bus each morning was and is very stressful. There were alot of great suggestions already posted. We also use a schedule. DS can read so we use a written one. I am not a morning person, so I get as much ready the night before as I can, clothes, lunch, backpack, that sort of stuff. But what really helped us was eliminating the tv in the morning. For ds, the tv was like a black hole that sucked him in. It didn't matter if it was a tape, or a show, he would get so engrossed that it was very difficult to get him to transition to the things he needed to do, like get dressed or eat breakfast. It had to go. Now he can read a book, or look at his lego magazine while eating breakfast. He can still get distracted with toys, but it just seems easier to get him to let them go of them.
When we decided on the no TV rule, we talked about it to him for a week before, explaining to him, that next week, no tv in the morning. And we kept reminding him over and over and over that we were going to do it. That kind of repetition really works for my ds.
This is just what worked for us, and something to consider for next year. Mornings are still stressful, and ds needs alot of reminders to stay on schedule. But now he gets on the bus on time. And i get to work on time, except when I get sucked into the internet black hole on these boards! gotta go!
hth
Kate
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