Quiting my job
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Quiting my job
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 9:17pm |
My 2 yr son is being evaluated for what we are inclined will be on the higher functioning end of the spectrum and we also have a 5 month old son. I returned to work today and I realized that it wasn't going to work. I work days and my DH works nights and weekends so all we do is flip-flop who is "single-parenting" the boys and we are rarely together as a family due to lawn cutting, grocery shopping... Our son just requires so much attention guidance and the baby is getting left out. I find that my DH and I are just coasting through the day because we are tired and exhausted from the two full time jobs we have and then the ful time parenting we do alone all of the time. Help is not an option so I'm going to have to quit and take over as full time parent and my DH will get more work. Any advice to help us make this transition? How did you make the finances work and how did you find a dynamic that worked for your family? I feel like I have failed my children because I wanted them to never have to go with-out like I did and I fell like my elimination of my salary is like taking away money for thier care and assistance? How did you cope?

Well, Don't look at it as you are taking away things from them. Look at it as you are giving them thier mom and a happier family and parents. A good expense if you ask me. Your kids are little. They will only be little once. They grow way too darn fast.
Seriously, we can never afford everything for our kids. We have to choose what is an important expense and what we can do without. So list all the things that are important and decide where your money is better spent. Is it better spent on you staying home or on being able to afford expensive toys, new cars and expensive vacations.
I have been staying home for the past 6 years. It is tough to make ends meet but working isn't an option (due to ASD son) and I enjoy being home. So we don't have new cars, they are both older and paid for. We don't take expensive vacations, but my kids LOVE camping at the nearby campgrounds and once we took a drive cross country staying with friends and relatives and camping on the way. We don't have a fancy TV or home entertainment system, but our TV works. My kids don't get involved in expensive sports but I have found a town league that is very reasonable. $25 Bikes from walmart work well for small kids. We don't go out to dinner often. The kids are used to saying, sorry kids, not in the budget. But oh well, mom being there to say that is.
When my kids were really little we didn't have the option of my staying home. We worked opposite shifts too so the kids didn't have to go to child care. NEarly killed my marriage and things have not been great since. We are just starting to get better. I am finding that having family time and enjoying our time together as a family is more important. I wouldn't do that again ever.
Well, gotta run. PTA meeting tonight.
Renee
Well, this is a difficult one for me to address because I just *returned* to work. However I returned to work because I wanted to work for *me* -because I love what I do and am good at it. That was my justification. I think if you are going out of some misplaced sense of duty, then it just doesn't work. I am unabashedly selfish in admitting that I need something outside of the home. Yes the money helps, but it is not the primary reason I work KWIM?
I spent 3 of the last 4 years home, and making ends meet was tough. Here are some things which helped us:
Cut out excess. Go through all your bills, and analyse the *cost* of each one and seek cheaper options. A LOT of stuff can be cut down if you look. Can you ditch your long-distance provider and get free internet phone service? Can you remove additional services like callerID, 3 way calling and stuff that you thought would be cool, but rarely or never use? Be creative and brutal. Do you really, really need premium channels or that extra cable box? It may seem like only a few $$ each time but these really add up, especially over time (multiply each "few" by 12 and then add them all up to get the annual amount you could save.)
Can you transfer any debt from a high-interest card to a 0 or low interest one?
How many cars do you really need? I took my car off the road for a year. It was paid for, so I didn't sell it. I filled it with oil, disconnected the battery, threw it in the garage, handed in the plates and saved a bundle on my car insurance -no geckos involved... (also saved on gas, maintenance fees, etc). I used DH's car and DH walked to the train station each day. (we picked him up on nasty days). We did a lot more things as a family on the weekends because we had only one car...
Cancel the cleaning lady, landscaping, snow clearing services and do it yourselves.
Are you paying for your checking account? Change banks if you are.
Join a discount club like BJs and buy bulk items there.
Buy everything on sale or special or in bulk. If you have freezer space, buy meat and frozen items in bulk. break the meat into servings, bag each serving and and store it the freezer.
Get the clubsaver cards from the grocery store. They do help
Don't buy single serving anything for things like kids snacks. Get the big bottles and bags and use sippy cups and baggies for single servings.
Switch the pets to dry food, where possible. You can buy or make gravy to make it more palatable.
Switch out your cellphone for a pay-as-you-go plan
Don't carry credit cards, and keep your ATM card in an inconvenient place. Carry cash and in as small amounts as possible. Having only $5 in your purse make you think twice about every casual purchase.
Start cooking things from scratch rather than buying pre-packaged. It's far cheaper and healthier.
Cancel excess magazine subscriptions and the TV guide.
Stop buying newspapers and get your news online or from the TV.
Check your thermostat.
Pay bills on-line. It's faster and saves on stamps (but make sure your bank doesn't charge for on-line transactions)
Install a clothesline in the backyard and stop using your dryer in the summertime.
There is(was) a "frugal living board" here in iVillage. Check it out. There are great tips thereon.
As for the family dynamic. My kids LOVED having mom home. I did a lot of stuff with them. There was more financial pressure on DH, but less other pressure, because he didn't have to share in the household chores and paying bills etc. He got his allowance and that was it. We spent more time together and discovered cheesy shows like "The Apprentice". We did have fun.
The suff I did for *me* when not working was mostly online. I spent a lot more time on these boards. I CLed one of them. I wrote a children's book (not published, but I did it). I did volunteer work and was a parent member on our CSE/CPSE.
I hope some of this helps. (((hugs))) You can do this.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
I am in the same boat and have been SAHM for about a year now. Paula covered most of the ways we have made ends meet. I don't know if she mentioned refinancing your mortage, at the time I decided to stay home, rates were favorable and we locked in a good deal that cut our monthly payment. It may be different now.
Planning weekly menues and shopping only once or twice a week also helped cut the grocery bill. There is a great online tool for finding cheap gas called www.gasbuddy.com. You type in your zip code or town and it tells you the cheapest places to buy. But it is dependent on people sending in prices. It's good for major metro areas though.
Also, on the positive side, you may find your costs go down naturally as a result of staying home. For my job, I had an hour's commute one way, so gas costs went down. I didn't have to buy work clothes and didn't have to pay for day care. Things like that.
You do need to make sure you still keep some time for yourself too. I was still able to do a little free-lance work from home on my computer on the side. Not much, but it pulls in enough to cover groceries plus since I am free-lance I can turn down jobs. I also tend to do more online stuff to "socialize" which is something I do miss about work. I really liked the people I worked with.
It's worth it though to have the weekend family time to "play." Instead of grocery shopping on Saturday with everyone else, you can go during the week when it is less crowded. You can do one of two loads of laundry a day, instead of 10 loads on Saturday.
We do still have the "single parenting" phenomena a bit, however. I find sometimes I am so wiped out by the needs of our 3 yo DS, that when DH comes home he takes over and I cook dinner in blessed solitude, but on the weekends we are usually together.
It is like trading in one job for ten jobs however. I used to be a grants writer, now I am a cook, house cleaner, speech therpist, occupational therapist, psychologist, driver, nutritionist and home economist! One thing that kind of makes me feel good about the $$ is to keep a spread sheet of what I've saved. If I save 50% off on a sale, I log what I saved. If I use a coupon, I add that in. At the end of the month it makes me feel good.
You can do it. And like others said, your kids are only young once and work will always be there.
Good luck! You are certainly not alone.
Katherine
If you don't already: Use half the amount of soap you normally would. Use half the laundry detergent...less harsh on the clothes anyway. Use half the dishwasher detergent. YOu may have to experiment to find if that works or not. Seems to work okay in my dishwasher. Throw out most fancy cleaners. I buy bulk bags of baking soda (ajax/comet reportedly have mercury in them anyway). I use vinegar. Studies found that pure strength vinegar was nearly as effective at killing germs as bleach. The reports are easy to find on the net. I let the kids use the vinegar and baking soda to clean the bathroom so I don't have to worry about bleach stains or chemical burns, etc. I do use bleach myself since it's cheap as well. The only fancy other cleaner I buy is windex because I like to polish off the plumbing fixtures with it.
I water down the kids' juice by 50%. It's healthier, less of a sugar hit. Grape juice in particular is still pretty sweet this way. Apple juice and orange juice, not so much.
Get your dogs/cats vaccinated at a vaccine clinic.
The big bottles of cheap shampoo at the bulk stores are pretty decent. Good enough for the kids anyway!
I buy the kids' clothes at Goodwill. They don't care about clothes.
Think of these changes as not giving your kids what all the other kids have, but helping them with their sense of entitlement. My kids are really grateful now. I don't have to do all those things anymore, just habit from scarcer times...but the kids thank me for every meal (don't ask them to). They truly appreciate a new shirt, not expect it. They really appreciate when people do nice things for them as well. That's the way I was raised, didn't get a lot of things other kids had...but I didn't grow up expecting my parents to foot the bill either.
So, whether or not a mom has to work or not...it still seems like living a lifestyle where they learn to save and appreciate things is something I would consider a gift to my children and not feel guilt about.
LR
I've been a SAHM since I've been a mom. I didn't necessarily plan it that way -- I had just finished my doctorate and had completed a visiting assistant professorship a few months before Sylvia was born, and as she was due in December, it didn't make sense to start a brand-new job in September. I figured I'd stay home for a year and then go back to work the following September, when Sylvia was nearly 1 year old. But a couple of things happened; she turned out to be a really challenging baby, and we decided to get pregnant again fairly quickly. So then the plan was, let's have baby #2, I'll stay home until HE turns 1, and then go back to work! Well, DS is now 2 and I'm still home. It's just turned out to be the right decision for us, and with everything that's happened during the past year (Sylvia's first assessments, diagnosis, starting school, etc.) I'm *very* glad that I didn't have to contend with a job on top of everything else.
I have to say that even though I haven't worked in over 4 years, we've never felt as though it's been any hardship. Our needs are pretty basic: we don't have cable; we have VoIP phone service which is dirt cheap; I have a cell phone that only requires that I pay $20 every 3 months, and the money rolls over if I don't use the minutes I've paid for; we rarely go out to eat as I love cooking; and both our cars are paid for. Also, as someone else mentioned, I find that being a SAHM actually saves money in some instances -- for one, you don't have to worry about child care. But also, I don't have to buy myself "work clothes" or go to the dry cleaners very often, I don't have to buy myself tons of makeup, I can wear a ponytail every day and not worry about spending tons of money at the hairdresser, and I make myself a lunch at home every day (or have leftovers from last night's dinner) rather than buying lunch at work. Plus I don't have a commute, so I'm not paying ot put all that gas in my car. It's not impossible to live a comfortable life on one salary; you just have to figure out what your priorities are and think about what you *do* have instead of what you don't.
Jennifer :)
I've been staying home since Nathan was born...7yrs now. And the one thing I do...is not spend money on myself. I'm not high maintenance. I wear sweats, anything comfortable. I don't have to worry about work clothes anymore either! I also cook alot at home, try not to go out too much. We buy bulk too when we can. And try not to use expensive name brand things if not needed.
I've found that as long as the boys are happy, I don't need alot of money!
michelle