Is this really how easy NT kids are?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:56am |
We are keeping my 2 yo neice for the long weekend. She lives in town and I we see her often, but I have never kept her overnight. Eric is thrilled, is overly hyper bc he is so excited and he's having a ball. I am having fun too but am amazed at how EASY she is! I am actually kind of in shock about it.
I don't know if it is just that she has a relaxed personality and is the youngest of 3, or that she's a girl, or what. DH is convinced it is the difference between NT kids and ours.
Some things are obvious. She has beautiful eye contact, is super-verbal and very affectionate. The thing that amazes me is her joint attention. Eric just never did that and only now has started to do that. Her fine motor skills are fabulous. Not only does she eat with a spoon, but also a fork! Eric can barely manage a spoon at age 4.
Plus, she eats. She actually eats. Unlike Eric where it is a major deal to get him to eat anything and something we've had to work hard at. She sits still while eating. She isn't climbing all over furniture and jumping off things. She can almost dress herself. She is almost potty trained. A "tantrum" for her lasts 5 minutes, not 50 minutes.
I keep walking around almost staring at her like she's Exhbit A "Look, DH, SHE EATS!" "Look, DH, SHE USES A FORK!"
I'd have more kids if they were all like this. My SIL has no idea how easy she has it! Now I understand why my MIL last year thought DH and I were the world's worst parents when we vacationed together. She had just spent a week with this little angel and then she was up close and personal with Eric. Now I understand why she was probably in shock. (She's better about it now).
Anyway, I'm having fun with my neice fantasizing what it would be like to have another child and mulling over the idea of adopting an older child again.
Not that I don't love Eric, but now I feel somewhat vindicated that I find life hard sometimes. Some secret part of me still always blames my parenting, even though I know intellectually that is not true. Seeing my neice side by side to Eric really brings that out. If anything, I guess I have more parenting skills due to him, so that's why she seems easy.
Not that I don't love Eric, I do. But since he is all I have known as a parent, this experience has been kind of eye opening. I wish I could channel my MIL into my body so she could understand the experience from my point of view!
Katherine

Pages
Well, having both I can say that first, yes it is that much easier but second, not all NT kids are quite that easy, lol. But there is a WORLD of difference.
The parenting challenges I have with Emily are just worlds different and so much easier than with the others in most things. It is typical parent stuff. On the other hand she knows how to fool and manipulate me. LOL. I wasn't ready for THAT! Keeps me on my toes! She also picks up on things much quicker than the other 2. So where I didn't have to be so careful about the whole Santa and Toothfairy thing with Cait and Mike, Emily already figured it out. She is wise beyond her years. She also knows how to push her siblings buttons better than ANYONE else.
But there are a million and 1 ways Emily is WAY easier to parent. Not that I don't love my other kids. I love them all with all thier own quirks. But Emily is easier adn she is also my reminder that I am actually a good parent. I could have 8 of her easily!
By the way, we are still struggling with getting Mike to consistently use utensils. He has to be reminded at least 2 times at each meal, usually much more than that.
Just wanted you to know you are vindicated in feeling like it is hard sometimes and you ARE NOT a bad parent. I know I feel that way sometimes regardless. But Emily is a good reminder because she is so darn easy.
Renee
Hi Katherine,
I have a typical 2-year old DD myself. (To go along with her PDD-NOS brother who just turned 5 and another DD who is 8). Yeah, my DDs can be challenging at times (esp the older one), but it is night and day from a spectrum kid.
I think you and DH are BOTH right -- it's probably that she's a girl, that she's a 3rd child and that she's typically developing. Plus, she just might be an easy kid!
I am visiting my parents now and my 2-year old nephew is around a lot. Boys are different, which I don't know much of b/c my boy is SO different.... but there's a big diff b/w typical 2-year old boys and girls I'm here to tell you!
HTH,
Cathy
I had to laugh about the "Look, she eats!" Ian was painfully skinny, yes, downright scrawny as a toddler. He's still very, very lean. I remember being at a picnic and seeing the other kids peacefully sitting at the picnic tables, eating their hot dogs or hamburgers and the parents were actually able to sit down and eat, too! I couldn't get over it.
I think parents of NT kids don't have a frigging CLUE what it's like to deal with a child on the spectrum. Especially if they don't have any hint of it in their families.
I was with the boys at McDonalds playing in the play area. There was a group of little girls who were playing in there, too. There was a lot of screaming and screeching in the tunnels and it was so loud (louder than the usual by far) it just echoed in the play area. I called Ian out and asked him to stop the screaming and the little girl he was playing with came over with him and said, "It was me, I was screaming. It wasn't him. I'm sorry." I told them I'm sure they didn't realize how loud it is for everyone else and that I wasn't mad, I just wanted to ask them to be quieter. The girl looked me in the eyes the entire conversation! She said, no she didn't really know how loud it was, but now that she did she wound't scream and said she was sorry again. And then there was no more screaming!!! Now, thinking about being at home, how many times I have to get after the kids not to jump on the furniture, not to take the cushions off the chairs and use them as trampolines and forts (or they'll do it wherever they go if I let them at home). I'm not at all surprised NT parents with NT kids think badly of parents with ASD kids. I probably would too if my kids were obedient and cooperative. ;-)
On the other hand, I think there are a lot of NT teenagers that are desperate for help. Parenting NT teens doesn't look that easy to me. I really don't know how it's going to play out having an Aspie when Ian hits puberty. I try not to think about middle school for him. I'm not really into homeschooling, but I'm kinda thinking I may have to do it. I remember junior high as the black hole of adolescence, but then, I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum somewhere, too.
Kelly
with other people, these kids changed their clothes daily, brushed their teeth/hair, small upsets but no meltdowns, they took corrections well from all adults, rain changed our major plans and they were accepting of new plans. i felt depressed during vacation because i saw how hard my life with son really is.i love my son but everything is difficult with him. sleep, school,meals,conversations,changes in plans,social interactions. i never know what he is going to say and usually someone ends up crying or emotionally hurt. my neices will come up and hug me or kiss me hello. neices & nephews will say they enjoyed or that.... im glad son gets to spend time with cousins but next year i think son & i will stay home. once a year son has his cousins sleep over.there are usually 7 or 8 kids, we have an awesome time. son usually ends up have a hard time...yelling ,fighting, etc,. last time he cried for 10.5 hours after everyone left. he has never been invited for a sleep over. he very seldom gets invitations to play .once a week i try to get him together with a cousin. being around nts reminds me how hard it is but knowing that son's difficulties have a name does help, i was starting to believe that i was a bad parent. now i know i am the best parent i can be for my son. thanks for reading.
Oh, I've so been there. It's really tough seeing NT families work together so easily, so fluidly. Our interactions are all hurky jerky, the simplest things become so complicated and time consuming. It can be both liberating and depressing all at the same time when you witness NT families and kids. NO I didn't cause our problems by being a bad parent, YAY!!! But I can't correct it with simple changes to my parenting approach, and our challenges will be with us always, although they will hopefully get better. And I watch wistfully as these other families have so much fun together and easily transition from one thing to the next.
I really try not to dwell on it and I understand your decision not to go with them next year. Although we want to make sure they have lots of opportunities to learn, sometimes we have to know when it's just too much for them and for us. It's better to find shorter activities with fewer people whom we're more at ease with.
It is still qualatatively different with NT kids. I have a host of nephews that are pains in the neck and don't listen. Often, I have to admit, there isn't any follow through so there wouldn't be any reason to listen. I also think a fair amount of them aren't totally NT but a bit ADHD as well.
For instance, yesterday at 'the party' my nephews and thier friends kept running in the back yard of a neighbor who asked them not too. None of thier parents even noticed where they were. Dave was upset because I wouldn't let him go the first time they went and it was my husband who had to go over and get his nephews out of the other backyard because they didn't listen to the neighbor (DH saw it happening. He was the only dad who did and none of our kids were going over). This kind of stuff happens EVERY darn family gathering. Last time one nephew went into the jumper with a bunch of candy stuffed in his mouth. His mom says "Timothy, you don't want to do that you will choke". He just gave her a dirty look and kept jumping. And she said "well he never listens to me anyway" and walked away. HELLO!
On the other hand these same nephews know how to push Mikes buttons and how to manipulate their grandparents like there is no tomorrow. They also easily potty trained, learned easily to do new skills, etc. They had one who talked late and he is the most compliant of the bunch.
Some kids are a handful without being ASD. Dave is a huge handful but he is still no where near as difficult to parent as Mike or Cait. Particularly at this age. I can reason with Dave if something doesn't go his way or I can redirect him. I can go to family outings without worrying about if he is going to go into a rage because his cousins decided to keep tackling him to make him mad. They do this specifically to Mike so Mike will go into a rage then they won't have to play with him. Nice kids, huh. My kids typically are more well behaved at these functions but it takes ALOT of work and vigilance to make sure that everything stays on an even keel and is structured. In fact, Mike was not with us yesterday and it worked out better overall. I think I am going to skip all future family events and bring him to the movies. DH can go with the others.
On the other hand, my autistic nephew has never been a behavior problem at all. He is sweet and compliant (except with his parents I hear). But they do have a hard time with him wandering off down the street, learning new skills, and lots of other stuff the other families don't have to deal with.
Renee
I know what you mean. I think Renee is right, though, NT kids can still be a pain in the neck. I'm thinking of this one NT kid who I've known since he was 2. Now he's 8, like my David. This kid is a spoiled brat, and is very competitive, in a mean-spirited way. He'll cheat or hurt others in order to win or to look good, and set up others to make them look bad. Long, long ago, we had a play group that included him, and I couldn't turn my back for a moment or he'd do some rotten thing.
However, as rotten as he is, he's learned to manipulate his entire extended family and manages to cope just fine with endless parties, vacations, camping trips, and competitions. He'll have no trouble getting elected President some day. I can't imagine that this child can be "easy". Well, on second thought, I think the parents just placate him by giving him what he wants, and perhaps that IS easy for them. "But Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa NOW!!!" "Name your price, Wonka. How much for an Oompa-Loompa?"
Then of course, there are the kids like my neighbors. Their mom is stern with them, but they are well-mannered, they go inside for dinner, and I know for a fact that they stay sat at the table at dinnertime. And in five years, I've never seen their mom have to drag them inside because they we're giggling maniacally while scooping up handfuls of mud and smearing it onto a lamp post.
I think the lesson for us is that we are awesome parents, and shouldn't sell ourselves short. It's kind of like everyone else was given a bike and we were given a unicycle, and yet we still manage to keep balanced, more or less, and someday we'll have big, grown-up unicycles. Okay, that's kind of dumb, but you get the point, right? ;)
Moms of ASD kids RULE!!! Yeah!!!
Evelyn
I have 14yo and 3yo NTs and they are VERY Different then my 19, 15, 11, and 6yo ASDs. I won't say easier over all, just in some things. But then, my ASDs are easier in other things. With my ASDs I know what to expect at any given time and find it pretty easy to anticipate their needs. They don't change their mids every five minutes and they don't surprise me with bad news. If my ASDs have bad news they let me know right away so I can 'make it go away' as fast as possible, whereas my Nts tend to hide it and let it feaster (sometimes litterally) until it becomes a huge problem.
But on the same token, my NTs are easier to feed since they'll eat anything (as long as they aren't alergic). And yes, I'm constantly blown away by the difference in fine motor skills between them and my ASDs. My 3yo has better table skills then my 6yo, using both fork and spoon (and never confusing which is needed for what, lol). When you tell her to say please she automatically puts it into a complete sentence, and when you remind her to say thank you she always uses the person's name with it, even if you didn't tell her to.
My 14yo is very outgoing and social. Not a social butterfly, but makes friends easily and always has soemone to hang out with. My 15 and 19yos still don't get many personal phone calls, whereas my 14yo gets tons. My 19yo has a grand total of one friend, her boyfrind. My 3yo has more friends then she does. My 19yo is supposedly our highest functioning (the dr said she was barely on the spectrum at all) yet my 11yo (who's dx'd with Kanner's) has a better clue of what she wants to do with her life and is more motivated to get there.
I can't brush any of my ASDs' hair without it becoming a big fight, yet my 3yo NT loves to get her hair done. The 14yo could care less, she just wants her hair to be 'wash-n-wear' cause she too busy to spend time in front of a mirror. So her hair is cut really short so she doesn't have to deal with it, while my 3yo's is long and usually tied up in ribbons.
I don't know if they're easier, I have moments with both sides when I think the other set is just 'so much easier'. I think they're just different.
~SG-1Niner
"I keep walking around almost staring at her like she's Exhbit A "Look, DH, SHE EATS!" "Look, DH, SHE USES A FORK!"
LOL....that's hysterical but I know what you mean. I believe my almost 2 yr old is NT (I'm not positive - we need to have his speech evaluated - I think) and although he is worlds different than his brother - he still comes with his challenges - well okay, he is moving into the terrible twos so that doesn't help. I guess what I mean to say is that they are easier and more difficult in different ways. My aspie was a breeze at 2 - I remember thinking what was wrong with people that they could not handle a two year, mine was easy. Now that I think back, I never had locks on my cupboards. I did not know that he was suppose to be exploring and getting into stuff - he did not do this until he was closer to 4 and then the tantrums started as well - THEN he went into the terrible twos.
I agree with the others.....I think she is just a laid-back kinda little lady. I have two boys, no little girls but I do have 6 nieces and believe me, it is not just the fact that she is a girl......you should see some of my nieces in action......scary!!!!! LOL
Christie
BTW - my 8 yr old aspie is still horrible with using utensils
Pages