??'s about tantrums/rages
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| Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:19pm |
Hi ladies!
I need dh to understand that this happens to more than just us. It isnt Nick being just a spoiled brat, or that we are bad parents, or that he is just acting this way because he is doing it to just p*** us off on purpose. I know sometimes he is being a 5 year old that isnt getting his way and he is just a kid, but I also know he doesnt deal at all with change, transition, he has anxiety and gets stressed easily. DH had an ugly experience with Nick on Sunday. Nick flipped while out with dh and it was ugly. DH didnt keep his cool and they both got really crappy, came home still fighting. Nick ran from dh, broke his glasses, he called me from the car, I heard him swear, Nick was throwing everying he could find at dh while driving. I told him to pull over until he was calm enough to drive, it was AWFUL.
I explained that there isnt a magic pill that can fix Nick of this, that we have to learn to deal with it and one of those ways is he has to learn to keep himself calm which DID NOT happen. I told him that if they are both upset and peeved off, then no one is in control and they are just both fighting each other, which is what happened.
Can you guys please share your experiences a little, what causes it and how you cope when it does? I need to show dh that there are other parents out there with kiddos that explode like Nick and that he isnt a bad parent!
Christine


I know men have a hard time understanding. My dh understands most of the time, when he is not involved in the tantrums.
Hugs,
Anandhi
Sunday must have been the day for tantrums cause we had them here. My DH gets upset and angry about it too. He tends to think that Tom (5 PDD-NOS) is just trying to control us with his bad behavior and get everything his way. He seems to think that it is some kind of battle and Tom is always winning with his tantrums. It makes me so angry. They do set each other off and there is alot of the kind of arguing that you described.
Part of it I think, is that it is more difficult for men to understand these kinds of things. Not all men but in general women seem to be more attuned to kids and especially kids with ASD. Probably because we usually spend the most time with the kids and we are the ones dealing with Early Intervention and doctor's and schools. And I think that women are better, in general, dealing with diagnoses and outcomes. At least that is how it works at my house.
Anyway, Tom's biggest issues are transitions that happen too quickly without enough warning. Sometimes it is out of our control but DH often forgets to give Tom his "warning" or remind him how things are going to happen when they go out together. Then we have a meltdown and tantrum and DH gets embarassed and just physically removes him from the situation.
I try to remind him to prepare Tom for what is coming up. I try to get him to model some of the ways that I interact with Tom. He has gotten better about using the same techniques that I use and that they use at school. He does need to work more on staying calm, or at least pretending he is calm. Its like the hardest acting job in the entire world, pretend you are calm and rational when all you want to do is scream your head off.
It isn't just you guys. I think this kind of thing happens alot. The outbursts are certainly not the result of bad parenting. They are the result of ASD.
Of course my NT daughter pushes my buttons to the point where I want to sell her to my mother so it isn't even always an ASD issue, sometimes it is just a kid issue.
HTH,
Heather
One thing that really helped us was counselling from Peter's first preschool. The school did nothing for Peter whatsoever, He barely
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
My dh also has a hard time when the kids tantrum, both because he's male and because he's also AS, so the kids and dh just feed off each other's tantrums and really blow things out of proportion. Of course, I usually have the same inclinations as dh -- I'm just willing to try harder at not reacting than dh is (admittedly I'm not always successful, but my breaking point is a lot higher than dh's).
One of the things we were told after our diagnostic evaluation was that it is important for us to be calm in difficult situations, not just so our AS kids aren't further irritated, but so that our kids learn to model appropriate behavior when upset. That one really struck home with me. If all that the kids see in the adults around them is yelling and tantruming, they surely aren't going to learn how to respond better in difficult situations, especially when they already have problems with impulse control and emotions.
Oh my goodness, can I relate. Haley has been a tantrum thrower since the day she was born. Before we got the AS diagnosis, her fits were just off the chart. She would scream, growl, throw everything she could get her hands on, kicked, writhed on the floor, spit, scratched and bit herself... you name it. I, unfortunately, didn't handle it well and only fueled the fire but yelling at her and carrying on myself. It definitely doesn't help.
After we got the diagnosis and I read everything I could on AS, I learned that her meltdowns weren't because she was just being a "brat" but because she was either over-stimulated, or just overloaded with stress and anxiety. I realized I had to find a better way of dealing with her tantrums and meltdowns. Since I understood what was going on with her, it was easier for me to do that. I realized that when she would get that worked up, I had to back off and give her time to just cool off and then sit and talk to her softly without pushing for information. If I pushed for answers from her, she would just shut down and we'd end up back at square one. I would either ask her lead in questions that might get her talking about what she's feeling or I would just talk softly about anything that she might take an interest in. Anything to just break the cycle and bring her down from the tantrum. When we are out somewhere, I try to take her outside, or to the car for a moment to just calm down.
When it comes to these kiddos, they can't help it when it comes to meltdowns and once it is in full swing, there is no point in arguing with them or reasoning with them. You have to find that magic trick that will break that cycle. Whether it is letting them just chill out in their room for awhile, distract them with something, or whatever it is. But the angry we get, the more it just stresses them out. Its like throwing gasoline on a fire. :(
Jill
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
Hi Christine,
I hope you are able to get your dh to read our posts. I assume he is not yet reading any of the excellent books that explain the way the diagnosis and the neurological differences in our kids' brains causes these rage attacks. They get easily confused, sudden changes really disorient and enrage them, they are not catching much of the communication and intentions around them and miss vital information all the time, which is terrifying and again confusing. This is the invisable disability, and you have to become an expert to see it and its effects on our kids.
Sadly, as they get older, the disability becomes more and more obvious in our kids, as older kids without ASD (known as NTs here) don't rage and tantrum and inherently know how to behave in public. But when our kids are younger, they can seem spoiled and willful, right when they really do need so much understanding and teaching instead of misinformed judgement. And they must be taught and repeatedly taught without that judgement, for truly they are trying so hard and this IS their very, very best. Heartbreaking.
My dh has learned alot through trial and error, but he still struggles with any "bad" behavior on part of ds in public. At home, they both do better. My dh does understand, but his own sensory system is strung very high, and ds' difficulties are really too hard on him. So I have to do most of the heavy-duty outside world assistance. And now that ds is almost 10 years old, he has learned so much more about how to control his own temper, watch his triggers and even sometimes calm himself when things are going bad. And yet the world can be so unpredictable...
If your child had been given a life-threatening dx, your dh would be reading and studying immediately. This is a life-QUALITY-threatening dx, and it is crucial that your dx learn how to be his parent and caregiver with the same urgency as if he had MS or severe asthma and diabetes, IMHO. But this is a hard lesson and journey for all of us, I know. The invisable disability looks like so many other things, such as sheer willfulness.
((((((HUGS)))))) to you all. There is always that hope that ASD will just go away or quickly get fixed, which can be so frustrating when yet another rage occurs. The way to work with ASD is slow and constant, the marathon and not the sprint. We are here for you both, for all 3 of you, to provide whatever help and support we can.
yours,
Sara
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