Sad about family situation

Avatar for googolplex
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Sad about family situation
6
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 10:03pm

I'm feeling very sad. My almost 19-year old niece just had a baby last month. That was news to all of us. We're happy that the baby is healthy, but DN is nowhere near ready to be a mom. Not only is she quite young, but she has no place to live. Well, she's living with her mom now, but her mom is on drugs (AGAIN) and got fired from a county job. She'll lose her house if she doesn't find another job.

Her mom, my sister, has so much potential. She's brilliantly artistic, and excels in academic settings. But socially, she's a little atypical. I remember her saying, matter-of-factly, that she hates people, because they are all so stupid. She speaks her mind, even if it's to tell someone they are an idiot. Still, she's got a depth and honesty that is refreshing. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, drug addiction has really taken it's toll, and although she has "clean" periods, they never last. I'm not sure if she ever used drugs in front of her daughter, but the whole neighborhood is druggyville, and apparently the house DN used to come home to as a schoolgirl, when her mom was working, was a meth lab.

So, of course, my niece got into drugs. That's really painful, because I think of how she was as a cheerful little baby. But her teen years have been full of drugs, running away, time in juvenile hall, all kinds of stuff. She's legally an adult, but at 19, she hasn't known much else. Right now the baby is in foster care, but she might opt to keep it if she is able to.

I would LOVE to be able to provide her and her baby with a room and a place at the dinner table. Our family is kind of strange in some ways, but it's a nurturing, drug-free environment. Unfortunately, DH is only a talented, experienced, professional engineer in the computer industry, which isn't enough to get you a 3 bedroom house around here, so we don't have the physical space for anyone else.

It's just so sad how these people's lives have been ruined by drugs, and now this totally innocent baby is in the middle of it. My great niece, too. I should be holding her and offering to babysit. (They live a full day's drive away.) I use every opportunity to tell my boys about how drugs ruin people's lives. Right now they think anyone who takes drugs or smokes cigarettes is a total idiot. Hopefully they'll feel the same when they are adolescents. David said if anyone ever offers him a cigarette or illegal drugs, he'll take their arm and poke the stuff up the guy's nose, and then scream at him. We'll have to work on that a bit, I suppose.

Sigh. Sorry to ramble. This is just a pretty cruddy situation.

Evelyn

Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 5:22pm

((((HUGS)))) what an awful situation! I so wish you could help break the cycle of drug use and all that. That poor child. I'm glad you're able to tell you kids about drugs and all the bad things, I just wish you didn't have to do so from 1st hand experience. sigh. this world is really tough.

Betsy

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 11:30am

Evelyn,

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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Registered: 07-12-2005
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 12:22pm

Evelyn,

I'm sorry about everything that's happening. It's a hard situation to be in, for you, and everyone else involved.

But, as someone with 13 years clean and sober, I have to agree with Paula. This is something your sister and niece will have to sort this out themselves. It's painful to watch, especially with a little baby smack dab in the middle of it, but you can't force things to get better for them. Hopefully all your neice really needed was having another person completely dependant on her to make her wake up and see what she was doing. But it may turn out she has a while to go in her active addiction before she gets help. Recovery, in any form, is not for people who need it, it's for people who want it. If she doesn't want to get clean, I mean really want it, then she's going to stay out there until she hits her 'bottom'. The best thing you can do for her is be available as a possitive influence and have information ready and available for her when the day comes that she does want help. A place you might call in your area to get information to help you be prepared is a place called 'Mountain View' in Martinez. They'll refer you to other places, but it's a start, and they know what they're doing. They specialize in helping young single mothers get a start in recovery.

~SG_1Niner

APOV on Autism

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 1:00pm

i am also sad about my sister and her son.

although my sis does not take drugs, her father's child
did and overdosed a few years ago leaving my sis in a financial
mess!! she makes bad decisions re: employment (she has major potential)
but seems to be chasing a dream that leaves her w/o the rent on
many occassions.....years later she is still feeling the debt
left by ---- he had her refinance her house for his dreams that
were basically a con....she almost lost the house, and has many
debts, etc.. the phone gets shut, the cable, etc..

i guess i'm trying to say, i know how you feel, they live close
to me and i watch her son often....at the same time i have not
been able to "save" her, actually be lending her money, i think
i have enabled her and her choices by not letting her figure it out
on her own...

Avatar for googolplex
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:41am

Thanks for all of your replies. I realize I don't exactly "know" you ladies, but I kind of do, and it means a lot to have this kind of support and caring.

On a brighter note, family-wise, my dad recently got married to a wonderful woman (not much older than myself) who LOVES kids. She used to be a teacher, and now works with troubled teens, as well as having a couple of her own teenagers. When they visit, she happily plays Bionicles and and Batman with the boys, AND babysits for free. Whoo-Hoo! When I apologize about toys all over the floor, she's like, "What? No way, your house is *supposed* to look like this. It's great!"

So, I'm real happy about her coming into the family. (Happy about that little baby too, because, well, babies are wonderful. But the situation is sad.)

Evelyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:20pm

i remember when my nephew was born, i was so concerned
what kind of situations were in our future.

there were things but basically the dad was always
in jail, at the end my nephew was 6 and he remembers
alot of turmoil, that was 6 years ago, i hate to say
this but ---- went out with a bang...