Sadly, Teasing at Day Camp

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sadly, Teasing at Day Camp
8
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 7:17am

Well, it is the end of week 6 at the NT day camp and Malcolm has had 4 terrible days in a row. But the clues are mounting that there are 2 - 5 other kids in his group who are finding it fun to --- hide his hat when changing from swimming, sidle over to him and say mean things under their breath, laugh at him when he gets upset and cries. Counsellors aren't seeing it, and I am piecing this together from what Malcolm (age 8, PDD-NOS) says and what I hear from counsellors and what I observe. Yesterday he tried to hit and kick several of the kids and managed to bruise one of them. They were laughing because he got upset, counsellors were busy getting snack. Rough night last night, trying to work this through with him and reemphasize that hitting and kicking are never OK, no matter how angry you are. Course, I would like to go do things to those kids, too, but it's hard to figure out exactly who to go for. (By the by, this has been happening to his best friend some, too, who has reacted much more with the hitting and shoving and who has been in more trouble than Malcolm. Malcolm usually yells more.)

Part of the problem is that he LOVES the camp. He has been having the most terrific time! There's only 2 more weeks and he WANTS to stay. And it is now too late anyways to send him back to ESY at his ASD school. I will be talking more with camp and camp director and counsellors about setting a better "no tolerance for teasing" tone, but they aren't seeing it happen. So in the meantime...

We are sending Malcolm's "Aunt" Christine with him to camp today as his "CIAT". She is one of my actors from currently-on-hiatus theatre company and also a professional storyteller in schools and he loves her almost more than me. She is to observe and help and even participate with camp and be there for Malcolm and his friend. At least today, then we have the weekend to figure out what next.

These 7 - 8 year old kids are just too sophisticated and sneaky, grrrr... BUT I have observed Malcolm having lots of fun with all the kids and almost all the camp has been everything I could have hoped for for Malcolm. So wish us luck. I don't know how to help him know what to do because when he gets that angry, all his skills and know-how ... well, you all know...

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:06am

I know we have to tell our kids that hitting is never the thing to do, however, I can understand why Malcolm did what he did and I hope that the kid learned not to mess with him going forward. I am sorry but kids can only take but so much teasing.

The camp director / counselors definitely need to address the teasing and make it understood that it will not be tolerated, period. Maybe written rules posted where the children and parents can see them? Also a daily verbal reminder to the kids at the start of the day. How about earning points daily, as a group, toward a reward for week without teasing / hitting (pizza party?) Maybe Malcolm can earn points for each time he tells a counselor when someone teases him and he is getting angry but remembers not to hit or scream. He can get his reward the same day, after camp (can be something you have both aggreed on). That way, even if the group loses a chance at a their reward, he is still recognized and rewarded for doing the right thing. Also, I hope the camp reinforces that after a teasing/hitting incident the kids should apologize, make up. The camp also needs to speak with the parents of the children who are doing the teasing and put them on notice as well.

You mentioned that the previous camp session went very well. Out of curiosity, are these new kids who are doing the teasing, or were these children there for the previous session?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:12am

Oh, Sara -- I'm so sorry that Malcolm is having to deal with mean kids. You know, even before we knew Calvin had PDD, I thought about how mean kids could be and cried at the thought of anyone treating my child like that. I know, we've all had our bullies in our past and have recovered, but to think of your own kid having to deal with bullies is so much worse. I think that's true of all kids and all parents worry about that to some extent. It sounds like Malcolm is doing great otherwise and maybe sticking it out would be best -- even though it might be hard? He sounds like such a good kid and maybe he will be more resilient than you think? Up to you ... not sure what I'd do if it were me, but that's what I see of the situation from the outside. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:53am

Sara,

I'm sorry Malcolm has been having some rough days. Kids can be so mean!! Hope the next 2 wks get better for him. It's great that he still wants to go, despite what the other kids are doing. Sounds like you have a very strong, and determined boy there!!!

Michelle

Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:26pm

Oh, Sara, I am sorry that he is going through this!

I am glad that the SEIT (my friend the ped. finally told me what the acronym is for -- I'd thought NYC people were nuts talking about their "see-its" all the time!) will be there for support. Maybe she can let you know which kids I'll need to come down there and knock their heads together.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:30pm

Thanks for your supportive comments, everyone. We have had interesting further developments, ---- first, Malcolm emphatically refused to have the SEIT -- that was a shock, as she is one of his best pals in the world and a day with her is usually the most special thing. But he said he had to do this on his own and Christine could NOT come.

Well, we had a big, long, serious chat and struck a deal. He is indeed to NOT lose his temper under any circumstances (this is not a new rule, BTW), but if he is angry he is to immediately get a counsellor to help him. Immediately. The reward he is earning is getting to continue camp without Christine. He has to earn it, and one of the ways is to speak up about anything that is making him angry right away to one of the head counsellors!!! Each day he makes it through without incident and managing his anger on his own with counsellors is another day he can attend without Christine.

The camp is addressing teasing and bullying, the problem is that much of this goes on when counsellors have their backs turned and in the moment Malcolm is too angry to name names. And to answer a question, the kids are from the first session, NOT the new kids. Feelin' their oats as the summer gets long, I think, also I believe the cousellors are getting somewhat tired and lax. They do indeed always have apologies and discussions after incidents, I think, however, that the real instigators are still going undetected. The camp director and I are discussing what can be done next in terms of addressing the teasing. None wants to punish our boys for others' cruelty.

I am crossing my fingers that today went well, Malcolm was so serious and focused about keeping his privilege of attending camp without a "babysitter". This is also an opportunity for him to really learn, I do believe he can do it.

If this really doesn't work out in next 2 weeks, I am pulling him out for a vacation to go visit his beloved cousins in the Midwest plus a trip to visit his fiancee in Texas!!!

Sara
ilovemalcolm

Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:43pm

That's very sad. I've noticed that whenever I go somewhere, like a playground, where there are day campers, I am astounded at how little supervision there is. Children tease each other, emotionally abuse each other, and act really cruel, while the eighteen year old in charge looks off in the other direction. That's one thing I didn't like about David's preschool (our only option, since we aren't rich and we aren't nearly poor enough for the free program); the teachers used the playground time to stand around and chat. They were near the kids, so if anyone fell or something they would be there to help...but they missed all the little social interactions, like all the "you can't go down the slide because you don't have pink on your shirt." I think it's soooooo important for kids to learn how to be nice to each other, and they don't just learn it on their own. So many grown-ups seem to act like it's just a fact of life that kids will be mean to each other, and they need to figure it all out an their own.

I don't mean to pick on the counselors at Malcolm's camp. But in general, this is something that has bothered me for a long time. I think parents, caregivers, teachers, camp counsellors, and every adult who comes in contact with children needs to do their part to model and encourage kindness and discourage meanness. People have been acting like jerks to each other for millenia, but it seems like now is the time to change that.

I hope things get better for Malcolm at camp. I keep thinking of a bumper sticker that I've seen around: "Mean people suck." That about says it all.

Evelyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:15pm

Sara,

So sorry to hear of Malcolm's trouble at camp, but I think you are doing the right thing, sending in a guardian angel of sorts. Do let us know how it all works out.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:54pm

Sarah,

I am so sorry that Malcolm is going through this but at the same time, wow, what a young man to try to want to continue to do it himself. That in itself is awesome.

Kids can be mean and unfortunately it has been my experience as well that day camp is not always as well supervised as it should be. Heck, when they come to the playground I almost always leave because the kids target Mike or he always seems to get into some difficulty with them and that is in less than 1 hour with me there. But the counselors usually aren't watching at all unfortunately. There is a park a block from us that has the city park and rec dept there and day camp so this has been an issue on more than one occasion.

It rots that he has to deal with it. It rots that he had behavior problems, but for him to make it that long on his own with no aide in that environment is a testament to how awesome he is doing. Those other kids always will feel thier oats and find some kid to tease. Kids with ASD often have a lower fuse and when they blow have a harder time regulating themselves, thus easy targets.

Here's hoping he does well next week AND Kudo's big time to Malcolm for sticking with it.

Renee

Photobucket