Saying inappropriate things
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| Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:19pm |
Hi everyone.
I mostly lurk here, but something has come up and I don't know who else to ask about it. My son, Aaron (age 5, mild PDD-NOS) sometimes says some mean things that seem worse than your average naughty kid things. He often tells me he 'hates' his 2 yr old sister. When she does something he doesn't like, he often tells her the same. Luckily she does not understand yet. One day we got in the car after preschool and he said, for no obvious reason, "I hate my sister." A while back he also said something that shocked both me and my 5 yr old nephew. We were in the yard and he was getting frustrated because he couldn't hit the baseball like nephew was instructing. He said something in a smart tone to me, and I corrected him on it. Then he told me, "I will chop down one of these trees and it will fall on you." My nephew's eyes got big and he said, "YOu aren't supposed to talk to your mom like that!"
So today I heard Aaron talking in an angry voice as I waited outside his class room door. I asked the teacher if he was upset about anything today. She said he went on a tirade abou thow much he hated his sister, and that he wanted to "chop her up." He said it was because she gets into his things sometimes, normal reasons a 5 yr old would be upset. But I don't consider the chopping her up part normal! The teacher said she was shocked because normally he is so sweet. He is perfectly capable to saying he is angry... properly verbalizing his feelings. I do not get why he has to be so mean sometimes.
When we got home, I had a stern talk with him about how we do NOT hurt people, or talk about hurting people. I told him he can say he is mad, or upset, but can't talk about hurting anyone. I told him I was so sad and disappointed and embarassed he'd acted that way.
So, have any of your NT kids done this, or is it a PDD thing? How do I make him understand how seriously he has crossed the line?
Amanda

Hi Amanda!
I have 2 boys, one NT and the other HFA. I have to say that my NT doesn't say things like this. But my other one has on occasion. He's a real rule follower, so getting into trouble and disappointing his mom are things he tries to avoid.
The best way that I have found to address situations with Nathan, is to explain things to him thoroughly and repeatedly!!! Chances are, he will say something mean again, I expect that. Redirecting and stopping behavior does take awhile longer than with my NT.
Nathan understands my responses and my reactions to things...he's able to read me pretty well. So, I do use this towards my advantage. When he says something shocking, I let out a huge sigh and a look of disappointment!! He then stops himself, covers his mouth, and apologizes. I then explain to him what he said was wrong, and how that's not how we talk, etc.
It's taking awhile, and he still has the tendency to say something when he gets frustrated, but not so much. He's learning, just taking some time. HTH
michelle
Amanda,
Thia is a PDD thing, really. In a younger child, it would be NT, but NT children can read social cues and learn from other people's reactions. So they learn from example what is OK and not to say and do. PDD kids don't, really --- "hate" for example, is a word we use to describe strong reactions and we use it ALL the time, such as "I hate it when the coffee gets cold", "I hate being stuck in traffic" --- so here's the dilemma. How do you "know" that the word hate shouldn't be used to describe the strong feelings of invasion when a sister uses your things and abgout that same sister causing all these difficult feelings, who is in fact mishehaving? PDD kids don't know the words are offensive. On some level, they may be using them for effect, but more in order to describe the size of their feelings, etc. Not intending to offend others, which they don't understand either, offending others. They have a hard enough time even considering other people's reactions as meaning anything to them, if they are even aware others HAVE reactions, esp. in the moments they are angry!
PDD kids also forget whet they've learned, in the heat of the moment. Like Michelle describes, lessons will need to be repeated over and over. I have made rules about certain words and using tones of voice ... most of the time, my 8 year old remembers now, but there are times he doesn't. I have consequences for when he breaks the rules to try to help him remember next time. Then we always repeat the rule and discuss again why the rule is in place and then we practise alternative things one can say when having those feelings or those difficulties in a stressful situation.
Repeat, repeat, repeat. Pretty hard to really punish a child for what is actually a problem of their disability... but they cannot learn the way everyone else does, they just cannot be expected to somehow "know", because, well, they don't. They just don't, not on their own without help. And this part of PDD is readily forgiven in a younger child, but when they get older and still have trouble, people are VERY judgemental.
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Hi Amanda,
I don't think this will be too helpful, but I can offer my own experience w/ my kids, for what it's worth. Both of my kids say very inappropriate things. My oldest is 8, and dx with Asperger's and BP-NOS. It isn't always so bad, but he has phases when he just can't seem to keep himself from saying stuff about chopping up body parts or revolting stuff about bodily functions. It's never said in anger against someone, it's just like, "Hey, what if some guy took an axe and chopped up his weiner..." as if that's a nice way to start a conversation. No amount of consequences of any kind makes a bit of difference, and believe me I've tried everything from spanking to offering tokens to use toward a new Lego set. The only thing that makes any difference is if he medication is working effectively, and even that is no guarantee. (Not to imply that your child needs medication, of course!)
My youngest is 4, and although he hasn't been evaluated for anything yet, he will be before too long. He also says that kind of gross stuff, and I've always assumed that in his case it's because he's copying what his #1 role-model/hero does. But one thing that he does, that David does not do, is that he often says things like, "I want to destroy everything. I want to break this and smash that." When he plays, he very, very often introduces a bad guy (or a policeman) who kicks people, hits them with heavy objects, chains them up and pours hot lava on them...you get the picture. When I tell him I disapprove, he says, "But Mom, they are just hurting the bad guy." I tell him I still don't like it. Again, nothing I do makes him stop. When it gets really bad, he goes to his room for a time out, which is something I couldn't do with my oldest (who would just run out of the house)...but he just throws toys around the room and doesn't learn to watch his mouth.
From what you say, it sounds like Aaron could use some more appropriate ways to say how he feels...and if you figure out how to do that, let me know! I'm interested to hear what others have to say about all this.
Evelyn