Shoe's on the other foot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Shoe's on the other foot?
4
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 6:12pm

Okay, so, for the last, well, ever since we moved in a year and a half ago, we've been trying to find a 'peer helper' for our DD Eva (6yo AS). She's had 'friends' on the street and at her Reading Club, but no one that can really stand her for very long. Enter 'L', a little boy who lives down the street that she started hanging out with a few months ago. L's mom is the RSP coordinator at the local community college, and her 'clue' seems to have been passed on to him. He and Eva get along GREAT, and he and his mom have agreed to work with Eva on social cues and peer reinforcements.

It's been wonderfull. Eva has started doing things we always had trouble getting her to do before, like brush her hair, do her chores before going out to play (and asking if she can for that matter), and she's getting better about not blowing up and yelling every single time things don't go her way.

Anyway, there is a girl she still plays with down the street, 'S'. S is the kind of kid we call Heck Child because she's the biggest spoild brat... okay, won't go there. But little to say S pushes Eva's buttons and seems to take great joy in it. When Eva started playing and working with Logan she started spending less time with S. As it turns out, S's teachers recently asked her mom about certain 'improvements' in her behavior at school. I gues she's been using a lot of spced speek lately, and it's a step up from how she used to talk to people. Well, her mother told them "Oh, she spends time with a little autistic girl on our street. That's how her mom and older sisters talk to her."

So now the teachers are encouraging S to spend more time with Eva because she's a (get this) GOOD INFLUENCE!... my kid? HUH!!

The problem is, S still pushes Eva's buttons and Eva still comes home crying over things S did or said to her. She doesn't want to spend time with S anymore because now that she's seen 'what a real friend' is like from playing with L she realizes S is not a real friend. Li is a real friend because he doesn't try to get her to do things for him that will get her in trouble, like S does. He doesn't yell at her if she doesn't want to do the same thing he does at the time, like S does. He's interested in learning about the things she's interested in, unlike S. He says please and thank you and doesn't get bent out of shape if she takes too long getting ready to go out... S stands on our front porch tapping her foot angrily (She used to try to shout at Eva through the door but I put a stop to that).

So, I can't really blame Eva for not wanting to play with S anymore, but on the other hand now I feel bad because it's my kid wh's the 'good influence' (still can't get over that). I suppose it isn't really the same because S's parents aren't willing to believe there's anything wrong with or different about their child and most CERTAINLY don't think she needs an official 'peer helper'.

Okay, I'm done ranting now, and the elephants are calling.

~Candes

APOV on Autism

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:36pm

this made me smile! I'm so glad Eva is a good influence! and wish the other mom could see her dd as she really is!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 10:07pm

Wow what a spot you are in. From my understanding what you said the parents aren't particulalry interested in working on the skills to help thier child be a better friend? They aren't willing to accept that there may be some challenges?

In a situation like that then it would be hard to make any progress on those skills and as such Eva would have to deal with the bad influence frequently.

So I guess the question then would be is playing with this child going to help Eva's social skills or hurt them? Is she in a place where she can handle a child like this and learn from the experience or will it make her social skills take a dive backwards?

If the later is the case then I would likely cut back on the amount of time she spends with S at any rate. If the parents were working on skills and Eva was a part of this I would likely be more inclined to continue the relationship as they both may learn things from it. However, if it is just a frustration for Eva with not alot of hope for improvement...well....

Renee

ps. good tosee you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:27am

Well I remember with my dd when she was little (she was dx'd with Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 5 due to my druggy ex getting sober, and then leaving her, and then getting sober, and then leaving her... so on and so on and so on.) that she had many troubles getting along with kids. Terrible problems. Btw she is now 19 and is doing wonderfully!!!!

Anyway, I always tried to match her with kids older than her so she would model mature behavior. Usually she did much better, but if I noticed a kid that would make her worse, or the behavior of another child being really dysfuntional, I immediatly stopped it, or at least lessoned the amount of time for play. I would say you can play with so and so for an hour, but then you have to come in and do this and that... I would make things up, just so I could protect her. And then I would go back to find kids that she responded too better and enforce that.

I don't blame you on how you feel about the other child... I have experienced that myself. I would feel sorry for the child (because I knew the parents were being jerks with their parenting) but I knew, my responsiblity was with my child and her welfare. That right there told me what I needed to do.

Elaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:16pm

Candes,


How much of the good influence is coming directly from Eva, and how much is coming from you, your other kids and your home environment?


My guess is that it might be 20% Eva and 80% everything else. If that is the case, you might have little "S" around to hang in the house more, or to participate in

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com