sibling dependence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
sibling dependence?
5
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:05am

I am trying to work out why Peter has been more "autistic" recently. It is probably a combination of factors.


School is out, camp has not yet started for him, but it has for his sister. So he has been home with his mother, who is not doing too well right now, painwise (doing better otherwise :) ).

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:36am

Dear Paula,

My take on this...nothing is all good or all bad.

If Peter is "too" dependent on Siobhan, it may be that she is providing the support he needs to bridge him to interacting with the world on his on. Even if he is not ready to go to the other side on his own, at least he has her to to get him that much closer. Without her, you may have never seen him less "autistic."

My sons are 2 years, 9 months apart. The younger guy hops right into any social situation. (Missing every social cue, but he's in there if he wants to be.) My bigger guy stays off to his own. Recently, they were both invited to a kindergartener's birthday party really close to our home. My older son is very close in age to the birthday boy, but, since they go to different schools, my son knew nobody at the party except the birthday boy and his parents. When it was time for the party to begin, my three year old was still in the middle of an afternoon nap. I went with my kindergartener while DH waited for the guy to wake up and bring him separately.

My kindergartener son did nothing with the other children. While they played ball, he examined tumbling mats. While they played on tumbling mats, he compared the balls and attempted to shoot baskets alone. My kindergartener was trying to figure out a WII (spelling?) game as the other party kids were playing a modified soccor game. Then my three year old arrived. My kindergartener looked thrilled, and practically pushed him into the soccer game, but he did not need pushing. He already knew that he HAD to kick that ball. (No matter who was in the way.)Then my kindergartener stayed more or less in the game, and was delighted whenever the party staff had to redirect the 3 year old. (Who needed much support.)

My kindergartener really seemed to love the fact that his little brother did not know the rules, and it was kind-of okay, and very funny. And, he occasionally engaged the other kids to look at each other and laugh at his little brother, who became kind of the goofy mascot of the party.

I think that the 3 year old helped the kindergartener in a positive way. Yes, he needed his brother to get that engaged socially, but it was better to engage that much, dependent on his brother, than to not engage at all.

-Sidney

"The wordy"

PS: Sorry about the pain stuff. Yuck.

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:02am

I agree with Sidney, not all good or all bad.

However, I think your kids have taken the tools and situations they are provided with and used them to their best ability. Built in accomodations, KWIM? This is a good thing.

Emily is definitely the one that has taught Cait all her play and social skills. Cait is beginning to learn a few new ones in middle school that aren't all bad, lol. But she still gets most from Emily. Without Emily I think she would have been way worse off in the play/social dept. Emily is the protector for Mike and helps him out too in many ways, particularly at school. This year since Mike is moving to middle school it will give them both the opportunity to grow a bit independent of each other in different directions. However, I think what they had through elementary was very good for both of them and made them pretty darn close sibs.

I don't think having 2 older ASD sibs like this for Em held her back in anyway. In fact I think it made her very mature and a thoughtful, kind girl. And she hasn't been neglected or lost out in anyway, though she would like you to think sometimes she has, ROFL. Melodrama queen. And her being around has definitely pushed them more socially then they would have been able to do without her.

If you want them to perhaps develop other skills as well separate or are worried perhaps on them keeping each other back then it may be a good time to start having them do a few separate activities such as separate teams, etc. Not for everything but on occasion. Plus do it in a way that helps them learn the appropriate social skills.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:05am

Hi there Paula,

I bet his pronounced "autism" is all of the above combined, being out of school anhd home alot, your pain and lower energy, sister away, unstructured time without sister, waiting for camp to begin, therefore anxiety, therefore symptoms.

I agree with Sidney and you both that Siobhan is helping Peter. And then they do school and camp separately, it's not like there are no opportunities for them to both grow independently of each other. I have ALWAYS wished we had provided Malcolm with a slightly younger sibling. Malcolm's buddies do provide a bridge, but he doesn't always get to be with them --- still, this "bridging" has clearly been very educational for him in other settings. His NT buddies take care of and include him, and his ASD buddies explore together and all grow together in a social world that is challenging for all of them. But if Malcolm's anxious, that is in the way, always.

Right now, Malcolm is struggling a little with camp, because the first 2 weeks his 2 best buddies were also there, but this week they are not. They will be back next week (you can do this camp by the week) and you know he is waiting eagerly for them and feeling rather anxious without them. And as this camp is called "The Buddy Building Camp", his challenge this particular week is to work on making new friends independently. He gets jealous of one of the boy's sports prowess, another boy has more relatedness problems than Malcolm so Feels unconnected with this boy, etc. Today he really didn't want to go, but I noticed (given no choice but to go) he walked in, said "Hi" and then sat next to boy he is jealous of and asked to join his activity. Hooray!

Remember, our boys are delayed, but there is still always progress. Must be hard not feeling well, and having Peter home in this state, but camp is soon and this too shall pass...

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:43pm

Like the others have said, it's probably a combination of all of the above.

With regards to sibling dependence- there's no doubt that Claire and Emma are completely dependent on one another, and while it's probably wrong of me, I encourage it! In my defense, even with 7 siblings, I've never been close to any of them. Granted, I'm a lot younger than all of them (next closest sib is 7 years my elder) but even as adults, I feel little connection to any of them. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to be each others best friends. It's something I never had, and desperately wanted.

Claire has learned pretty much everything she knows about being a little girl from her Emma. They're 15 mos. apart, they share a room...and as amazing as Emma is, I can't think of a better role model for Claire. In fact, when given the opportunity to have her "own room" Emma replied, "No thanks. I'd miss Claire way too much." Pretty impressive for an 8 year old girl, IMHO.

Hmmm...I'm not sure how any of what I said could possibly be of help to you, but I think I saw the subject line and just jumped at it!

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 5:07pm

Mine are 2 years apart, and the older one (with AS) is definitely somewhat dependent on the younger one.


 


Mich