spouse conflict--AS vs. NT kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
spouse conflict--AS vs. NT kids
4
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 2:40pm

Hi all,

Well--we all know parenting a child with AS can be challenging to say the least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 1:40pm

My DH definitely had difficulty adjusting the our eldest DS, 12, AS.

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 8:16am

We don't use medication - there would be no point for us because all the behavioural issues are ASD related - so i can't help you there. But I can related to you and your spouse being on different pages and how to deal with that.

For a long time it seemed like I was the 'ASD' mum. I was the one hauled into the preschool/school to 'explain' his problems, I was the one that started pursuing getting extra help and a diagnosis, I was the one that went to all the tests and the appointments, and I was the one that sat in on all the IEP meetings, did all the background reading, argued with the schools etc...

And I was utterly crap at it sometimes. I was tired, worried, didn't related well to my son, we used to end up in downward spiralling screaming matches, particularly when he attacked other children (sometimes his siblings, ie MY other children).

DH was actually better at handling DS, calmer etc, although he wasn't as well-informed. But things did improve a lot when we joined a local autism support group for parents, and because we couldn't get a sitter only one of us could go to the meetings, and DH drew the 'short' straw and got to go. He made a couple of friends there, got involved in the family outings, learned a lot from watching the way other families interacted - it was a bit of lightbulb moment for him, he 'saw' what I was trying to do at home and at school etc. Now he has brought his calmness in much more effectively to our family dynamic, he is more involved in the school stuff, and is very good at telling *me* off when I fly off the handle. We'll come out of a family trip to the cinema and I'll be like 'get in the car now' and DH will be the one saying 'Just a minute, Euan will need to flit for a bit to get it out of his system....'

He still isn't terribly good at school meetings, he tends to joke and make light of things whereas I am much more of a stroppy, fuss making, difficult parent. But I did learn that I have to *let go* and trust him and make him take the lead in his own way.

So is there some way your DH can get involved on his own - eg through a counselling/parenting/support group, or doing some training - in a way that will empower him as a parent? If he feels it is *his* thing, rather than you 'nagging' him to change/get involved - which is a rather negative driver for him - he might take it up more.

hth

Kirsty, mum to Euan (12, Aspergers Syndrome) Rohan (8, NT) and Maeve (5, NT)

"My definition of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"


Follow my blog on http://mumsnet.com/blogs/kirsteinr/


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 10:47am

Hello and many many hugs coming your way.