Stressful day. Every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2011
Stressful day. Every day.
6
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:08am

Sorry I just need to vent. I have an almost 5 year old with Asperger's and a 16 month old who has a passion for climbing, and throwing tantrums when you remove him from danger.

Every morning starts out the same. Chaos. I wish my day didn't have to start out terrible and stressful every morning. But it just does. It sets the tone for my day. Every day. Every day, my oldest needs to scream through the house that he is awake, and then he wakes up the 16 month old who also starts screaming. Then that makes my dogs bark, and my blood pressure starts to rise. All at the same time, 20 things need to be done. Forget easing into any kind of morning. When I wake up, to 2 dogs and 2 cats who all want to be fed, and the dogs want to go out, and the baby's diaper needs to be changed, and he also screams when I don't hold him or set him down for a second and go out of site. And my Asperger, sensory, ocd, son starts screaming because something "smells" or the dogs are "bugging" him, or he wants xyz done NOW!!! I want to scream and throw my own fit. I am learning that I can't control my emotions, I can only control how I react about them. It is extremely difficult. My hubby works late at night and I typically have to go in to the bedroom 3 times begging him for a hand, and feeling guilty about not being able to handle it all. It sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 1:14am
Its awful at this age because when the screaming fits start, he tunes everything out. I was lucky, my son never went through this, however a very close friend of mine goes through this very thing with her daughter. (Daughter is 9, but its worth a shot.) My friend feels awful because after hours of screaming, she really starts resenting her daughter. Her daughter hits and threatens too and it seems that as she gets closer to puberty, the reactions get worse.

This week was terrible for her because of all of the snow days and my friend finally told her daughter today, "Until you can speak to me calmly in your inside voice, I will not speak to you." and she didn't. Her daughter quickly shifted and began to speak quietly and use her manners. While I've never done this with my son, I have done this with my ADHD daughter and its worked for us as well. Silence can be louder than yelling. When everyone calms down, then you can have a discussion about how we behave inside. It may not work the first few times, but if you are consistant (which is hard enough to maintain as it is) it might just help. When you can, a behavioral therapist might be of help, but one thing I have learned through all of my trial and error is that positive reinforcement, consistancy, and removal of privilages if all else fails have been the best motivators for our kids.
Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 2:31pm

Aaaah, sweetie! I truly *feel* and remember well those days. My dd is now 17 and was an awful kid. I know i'm not supposed to say awful, but she was. haha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2011
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 3:55pm
Thanks ladies, all very good advice. I definitely want a behavioral therapist. OT is all my son has. I wonder if the insurance can cover this??? Today actually was a great morning. My oldest woke up first, slipped in our bed and played with my phone while I woke up. I was able to make coffee, and take care of all the animals before the baby woke up. I think sometimes the break comes just when you need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2011
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 4:09pm

Thank you! Sigh. Yeah, I feel like I haven't really given myself the credit I probably deserve. I just feel like I am failing. My house is a mess, the laundry isn't done. I am unorganized, can't seem to prepare meals like I should, am constantly running to the store for things I have forgotten.....my entire life is chaotic and sometimes I can laugh about it, and sometimes I cry about it. I talk to all my mommy friends and tend to relate my life to theirs. Since my son appears so "normal" I almost have to remind myself that we are dealing with much more than my friends are and comparing myself to others is always a no win situation anyhow. I just feel like I can't get a grip on things!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 4:35pm

It took me so long to stop comparing myself, but I hit this point where I had to. It was going to kill me if I didn't. It took even longer to stop avoiding visitors because the house was always trashed. In fact, I left a beautifully worked, printed sign above the toilet today that says, "Remember to flush and wash your hands". I have a pile of laundry to my ankles in the bathroom and seriously, I don't care anymore and I had to force myself to think that way. Everyone has clean clothes when they need them, so life is good.

In your head or on paper, make a list of what is important right now. Then just focus on that. Start delegating at the house. If your husband is the kind of guy you can talk to and say, "I need help" then divy up the household chores and put the ones that aren't yours out of your mind. Give up that notion of control and forgive yourself for being human. I'll tell you something else, I started noticing my friends' flaws. I walked into one friend's house, beautiful house, big, expensive, lovely furniture, neat in every way except for these little piles of dog poo in the occasional corner. I thought, wow ... I have been kicking myself for being messy for no reason at all. Everyone, no matter how neat and coiffed has a skeleton in their messy closets somewhere. Also, make sure you take time for things you enjoy. My friends and I also experienced this loss of stuff we loved to do. About 8 years into motherhood we were all calling each other asking, "Why did I stop doing that thing?" Don't lose you because you'll need that when things get frustrating. At some point, you'll even get to include the kids in that thing you love and you'll grow even closer. Its amazing the things that click after such a long time of cloudy frustration.