Suddenly feeling kind of lonely
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:13am |
Ugh Roan's pulling another all night nurse in and now I'm wide awake and she's fast asleep...figures!
I had a really weird experience this evening (Sun night). A neighbor who can be neurotic at the best of times decided to have a pizza and cake thing for her ds's first birthday. It wasn't something I could really beg out of (although I thought about it;) I just had the most uncomfortable time there. I've met most of the other guests (old playgroup parents from neighbor's older ds). But each time I meet them I sense that weird, polite, very plastic experience that I seem to meet more and more in that middle class hoa/subdivision kind of world I now find myself in. Does this make any sense to you guys?
Perhaps its a cultural barrier thing, or perhaps it's that I have spent the last 7 years just surviving social gatherings-I never paid attention to the actual vibe at these things (always vigilent following Liam around; don't need to do that as much these days, especially as he's the oldest at these things-does better with little kids!) But I came home feeling incredibly sad and very very lonely. I realize I really have no close friends to speak of (at least within driving distance), and it's been a long time since I've had one. This autism thing really has done a job on stripping away essential parts of who I am, and you know what....I'm suddenly incredibly angry with it. I seem to have lost me in all this. I suddenly feel like I just woke up from a hazy coma and have lost so much, not just time, but experiences and missed opportunities. I don't feel resentful towards my family at all, just the situation, if you kwim.
Ah well, I'll get of my pity wagon now, if you've gotten this far you deserve a medal, lol
Dee







Pages
Oi!!! Wasn't this about me and my sorry half a$$ed miserable existence. Sorry but unles The Cabana boys are feeding me grapes and giving me a foot masage......quit hijacking my darkness,,,;)
Dee
Well Dee, in fact there is a Cabana Boy of Pampered Feeding. Your want your grapes peeled or blanched? And the Cabana Boy of Tactile Indulgance wants to know if you prefer almond oil or cononut butter?
And we're not hijacking your darkness. We're hijacking you. :D
Candes
I can so relate to everything everybody has said. I don't think I've EVER enjoyed a birthday or holiday party in the last 6 years. While all the other mothers sit around and socialize, and their children run off and play with each other, I pry ds away from the electronic toys that he finds and stims on through the whole party. Then he screams when I try to pull him away, and has a big meltdown. Than I decide it's hardly worth it to spend my afternoon this way, and so we leave. And i have met a lot of sweet, well meaning women. And we spent more time together when our kids were little. But now that ds is six, they don't really call anymore. Why? Because their children don't want to play with my son. And I don't blame them, because he wants nothing to do with them. And that seems to be how mom friendships are forged. You become friends, at least casually, with the parents of the children your kids are friends with. But our kids don't have friends, and we don't have time or energy to make friends any other way, so where does that leave us?
Well that bright side, I have to say, is that the special needs network in my community is semi-active and they hold BBQ and roller skating and swim parties every so often. And then there's being invited to the other autism kids' birthday parties. I LOVE these parties. Cuz then I do sit and socialize with the moms. And I let ds stim or do weird stuff cuz all the other kids are doing it too, and nobody cares, and we moms are all just so grateful to be in each others company and not be judged for 2 hours. It's really heaven. I only wish there was more of it.
Hi Dee,
Still in the darkness? Can't be helping with nursing child keeping the night lights on, etc. I wish I could hijack you to come to NYC and we'd show you a great time!!!
I do have something that it seems other moms here don't have, and I had it all along since Malcolm was 3 --- my own island of great parents of great ASD kids within the island of Manhattan. We hang together and talk on the phone, our kids do sleepovers at each other's houses and we take vacations together. I do also have friends from my now-defunct theatre company who are like Malcolm's aunts and uncles who I see often and other cool parents of NT friends of Malcolm's.
I sure am NOT saying that there are no chillies or snotties or stupids here in NYC, NOOOOO, we have our own brand of Chanel-clad, super annoying, over-achieving parents and their offspring, but I can so ignore them completely 'cuz I live in my own world and all is well in here.
But I am not recommending anyone move here, esp. as there are other big drawbacks, like horrible school system, etc. But ... if you do ... I've got the support system ready and waiting.
Sara
LOL Dee...If I were you, I would take the grapes peeled, when you blanch them, they get mooshy, and almond oil is just heavenly on the skin.
< <
Christine
I wanted to respond to this last night, but was just too flippin' exhausted.
Dee, I think we talked about being lonely over breakfast, didn't we? Yeah, I feel extremely isolated most days. I'm pretty sure I've lost my identity...or at the very least, it's been allocated elsewhere. I'd like to say I try hard to connect with other moms, but I've gotten burned enough that I don't even bother anymore. Our family is an island unto itself...and that's simply the way it's going to be.
I've dealt with my share of Wisteria Lane Wannabes over the years. I think what it comes down to is the difference in priorities. For moms like us, our priorities are so far removed from the priorities of the Wisteria Lane gals. They want their kids to be the star of the Lacross team while being the first 3rd grader named World Debate Champion because he/she argued in Cantonese. We want our kids to make it through school without licking the child next to them.
Sara, if I were to ever win the lottery, could we please move onto your island??? I don't really want to fight the snow, but the rest of your world sounds lovely!
I've been into the idea of the commune since it was first presented to me years ago, and was hoping to be named Czar of Mood Enhancement. I'd be in charge of non-cabana boy entertainment! :-) If that spot is filled, could I just be in charge of punishing the cabana boys when they get out line??? LOL
Amy
Dee,
I guess I'm chiming in kind of late.
It looks like your post hit a nerve.
Here's sending you more hugs.
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to join those other moms at birthday parties whose children seem to supervise themselves. What are they talking about? Everytime I catch a bit of the conversation, it is something I just can't relate to, usually something very superficial or materialistic. I feel lonely, too, but other times, I am happy that I am at least focused on something that really matters.
I'm throwing a pizza and cake thing myself this weekend. I have a feeling I'm not going to be plastic enough for some of my guests. Two decently reciprocal friends will be there, but I probably wont have time to speak to them unless I allow the 3 year old to hop a train or slap the guests. At least my old friends will understand. I think that some of my son's classmate's mothers will wonder why my house is a mess, and my child is out of control. (And I wish they would ask out loud, so I could say, "duh, you just answered your own question...what do you think is more important to me?????)
I hope you are feeling better.
-Sidney
Wow, As Sidney say I do seem to have hit a nerve. My goodness it does make me put some of in perspective though, knowing in my loneliness I'm not alone (if you kwim;)
You guys are so wonderful; without this board I do not know where I'd be. Thank you thankyou thankyou!!!!!!!!!!
Dee
xxx
ROLFMAO
Amy my side is killing me from laughing............
We ARE different kinda of moms and NO ONE could ever understand unless they walk a mile in our too tight shoes..
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s225/irishwildrose/pp2.jpg
Pages