Suspended from school....seeking advice
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-13-2007 - 2:21am |
Hi all,
My nearly 8 y.o. son was suspended from school a few weeks ago (for one day) and again just on Friday (for two days). I feel like he doesn't have control over his impulses (he's not on any meds b/c DH is against it), so even though the Principal has advised me to make him (in so many words) miserable (so that he's not happy to be home), I feel that I cannot be mean to my son, when he doesn't act approriately at school.
He pushed a girl from his class on Friday and he threatened his teacher and the Principal that he would hit them (though he did not). I later found out that this girl (who is his best friend) had been ignoring him and this hurt him a lot. Then, when his class was lining up for lunch, she wasn't listening to the teacher, so he pushed her w/ both hands and yelled at her about how selfish she is, or something to that effect. He was suspended previously for hitting a boy in class (the boy stole his mechanical pencil and wouldn't give it back). I know he's so wrong for his behaviors, but I have two questions.
1. Do you think he should have been suspended for threatening to hurt the teacher and Principal, even though he didn't actually do it? I feel like he should have maybe been treated differently by maybe being given an assignment about what he did, for instance. Instead, he's already feeling unwanted by other students, but now, he's being made to feel unwanted to the school staff. At first, I thought it was good that he was suspended, but now, I'm starting to feel it's unfair, given the fact that he has trouble w/ impulsivity (he has ADHD).
2. Now that he will be home on Monday & Tuesday, how should I treat him? These past few days, I have been telling him how disappointed I am that he got into trouble. I've made him realize that I can't set up playdates (which he needs for socialization purposes!)since I never know when he'll be in trouble, using this as a "natural consequence." But, other than having him do homework, how should he be treated while suspended? Do you experienced parents believe he should be made to feel horrible? Or, do you feel I should just be matter of fact. I believe he's very remorseful, but I don't think any of my actions will change his future behavior. I have talked to him about this endlessly and I almost feel like the energy I spend on changing him so he can fit into the box is a waste of my health and just makes him feel worse about himself.
Please give me some advice. I couldn't include lots of info because this email would be even longer! ;) I hope some of you experienced parents can make some constructive suggestions. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself that my son got suspended on Mother's Day weekend! ;) Have any of you been through something like this? How did you respond, or how would you respond if you HAD been through something similar?
Thanks so much,
Irene

Pages
My son hasn't been suspended a full day but we have had to pick him up a couple times. All we did was take away his favorite item has a punishment like not allowing to get onto the computer or putting the playstation II away for awhile. Of course, I talk to him about his behavior. If he was suspended for a day, well don't think I'd make him miserable but he wouldn't be able to do his favorite, which would be what I previously written. I believe what ever I'd do at home wouldn't change his behavior at school.
I'm a firm believer that suspension isn't the answer. The times we had to pick him up were toward the end of the day because the principal didn't feel comfortable sending him home on the bus.
I can understand your frustration. Sorry if I hadn't given you advice on what to do but my son to has ADHD and know what you are going through.
Hugs, Shell
My son was never suspended but I often elected to take him home early if I received a call (this was during kindy, he's in a self contained class now-1st grade). I can tell you if he'd stayed in reg ed he absolutely would have been suspended or removed altogether. My ds has really needed the safety and cocoon like environment of the self contained classroom to help him work through his issues with authority figures , (still working on that one too). We also fought the medication route for adhd as we were sure his impulsivity was all ASD linked, well, nope ...we finally started adhd meds last October and this child is night and day.
I understand your dh's resistance to meds (my own dh was the same), but I look at it this way if my ds had diabetes would I deny him insulin because it's a synthetic replacement for what his body can not control? Or if he had asthma would I deny him an inhaler? 'Course not. I look at ds's adhd the same, a medical condition that needs treatment. However he needs more than just meds he also needs help with how he can enhance the medical treatment with behavior mods, (think of it like teaching the diabetic how they have to change their food choices and health behaviors...that's hard too).
I'll stop waffling and get to your question, I think your ds should NOT have been suspended for moderate verbal threats and obviously the school is taking the lazy attitude and using suspension. It drives me crazy to hear that our special kids are treated like pariahs. Does your ds have an IEP? Is there anything in there that involves him being able to request a safe place to go when he gets upset (even AFTER the action has occurred). A counsellor, janitor anyone he feels he can connect with. EHWn I taught I tended to become the individual for many adhd and AS students even after they moved out of my grade. (Of course I didn't really realize this until I stopped working, lol)
It really sounds like the school is lazy and your ds needs a great deal more in terms of supports and "holding"
As for the principal's advice....what a dope!! Home is the one place your ds needs to feel safe. Absolutely do what you feel you need to impress upon your ds that suspension is not a vacation, removing certain privileges etc but also let him feel he is still safe there. Gosh it's so hard isn't it? (((HUGS))) to you
Dee
My son was suspended in the beginning of this year.
The principle gave him a one day suspension, but she didn't believe in sending them home. What we did was send him to go to school, but he spent the entire day doing his work in the office. No lunchroom or recess.
Why don't you suggest this? Otherwise no I don't think I would of made him miserable at home. Believe me, just the words "Suspension" and having to sit in a meeting with the principle and us was punishment enough for him! He was scared to death. And to me, thats a natural consequence in life they just have to learn. But then again, I know my son and how he thinks and I knew that was enough for him to learn from it. Your son maybe different as he may need something extra to get this idea across that what he did cannot be repeated, ie... threatening the teacher and principle.... I don't know.
Anyway good luck! Does he have an IEP?
First of all, thanks for all your responses. They're just great and have made me feel a lot better.
We do have an IEP and he is allowed to go and cool down in a little room that's attached to the classroom. The first time he was suspended (a few weeks ago), he did kick a boy in class because that boy was not giving him his mechanical pencil and DS was in a hurry to get something done so he could get a reward at the end of the week. As you can tell, it didn't go well...in terms of his reward! Anyway, then, he got into a fight w/ another boy out on the playground. This other boy has some major "issues" as well and he also attacked my son. However, I was not told that the boy had attacked my son. I later found out from another mom who was there and saw what happened. So, he wasn't suspended at that time, even though he punched and tried to strangle this kid. My son says the other boy punched and chocked him first. I was never informed of any of this, but I'm assuming it's true, given that they didn't suspend my son for such a horrible act.
This particular time, it does seem to be a major over-reaction. In fact, it sort of reminds me of "the straw that broke the camel's back" scenario. He apparently has been more aggressive and these verbal threats were a sort of a punishment for all his priors. Either way, I feel like my son is now on a sort of black list and that anything he does is cause for suspention...even if it's not warrented.
I'm going to send the Principal an email and let her know that this was not approriate reaction. I also want to let her know that now, he hates school. This is the first time he has felt this way in a few years. I agree that instead of suspending him, there should be a plan of action in his IEP, since this is part of his "disability." Now, he's talking about himself like he's a "weirdo," and that hurts a lot. The school has basically made him feel like a loser about himself.
Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to help out. I'm hoping that by next year, DH will be ready for DS to start on meds...unless we somehow figure out something that will help him that is natural (Neurofeedback, homeopathy,etc.).
Take care,
Irene
I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. I also agree that suspension isn't the answer. In these instances, it doesn't teach the child anything at all. Last year, I had to pick my daughter up from school early many times and even though she is doing better at a different school this year, I have told them that I will happily bring her home early if things are just too out of control. They have been working well with me on things so I guess we are pretty lucky.
I don't have any creative advice other than to extend consequences to the home environment too. With my daughter, I make it clear that her behavior at school is no different than what I expect at home. If she misbehaves there, she will have consequences for it at home too. Recently she has told her teacher to shut up and it resulted in loss of game time at home. She hasn't had any trouble since then.
I had to do a double take when I was reading the principal's recommendation. What is it with schools?? It reminded me so much of an issue I had with the school counselor last year. When my daughter's behavioral problems were at their peak... before we got the Asperger's diagnosis, the school counselor wanted me to take her to the ER and tell them that she is a danger to herself so that they will be forced lock her up for testing. OMG!!!!! Its like so many school have no clue how to deal with things like this and they go off the deep end about it. These kinds of behavioral issues are not new and are not uncommon yet they treat it as if they are. Makes me so angry.
I hope things get better for your son.
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
Hi Irene:
So sorry to hear of your troubles. I have an 8 1/2 yo aspie. He was sent home early 1ce and only once. He used to come home with "citizenship reports" noting if he misbehaved at school.
after I was asked to pick him up the one time I sent a LONG and detailed email to the school - the principal, the psychologists, the teachers, the ot, the vice principal you name it.
I pointed out that using something that works for a NT child is inappropriate. that if a piece of paper cured autism, there would be lots of thrilled parents out there. I asked where are his modifications, where are the adults that are to supervise him. I pointed out that by law from 9 to 3 he is THEIR responsibility, and they need to deal with the situation. I WILL NOT be called to leave work because they don't like his behavior. That is part of his disability and if it is a problem for them, perhaps they need to find an out of district placement for him. Then I requested a whole bunch of testing. ha...
I was told he would be getting an aba tech next year at the start of the year. They actually hired someone for him just a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from them since. It did help, however, that his teachers are on his side, and they made a point to mention how WELL I know the law/rights and that I am the search GURU... if you need to know something I know how to find it.
I have to admit, I am a little offputting... I look younger than my age, have tattoos and piercings, tend to wear my ipod everywhere which is filled with gangster rap etc., and I don't ask for much unless I need to; however, I am well educated and well spoken, and outspoken when it comes to my son getting what he needs. I have not received one call/email since the tech started, in addition, after I sent the letter, no citizenship reports were sent home again. I'm a Big witch, so be it.
I suggest a sit down with the principal and the sped director and the big wigs. Point out clearly that your son has a disability, and not making accomodations (including the understanding that his behavior is not that of a NT child and having plans for that) is against the law. that they need to step it up, immediately, and if you get a call again, it should be them calling your advocate.... (not that you have or need one, but that threat usually unnerves them).
Good luck... and kick some ass!
LOL
Nicole
Hi Nicole,
I loved your post. It's very much about empowering myself and fighting for my son to be treated right. I actually just sent an email to the Principal this morning and I let her know how I feel. She responded by setting up a meeting for tomorrow morning, but I think she got the message. You're right, according to the law, they can't be sending him home every time he actually falls apart due to his disability. It let her know that having him home (where he wants to be anyway) isn't the solution. Do you know that he has now started to refer to himself as a "weirdo," and saying he doesn't like school anymore? Yep. I let the Principal know about that in the email. She originally asked me to keep him in his room alone all day so that he knows it's no fun to be home!!! I let her know that my son already has enough unpleasentness in his life and I won't be contributing to it any further. Every single one of those "big wigs" knows my son is a sweetheart and that he has challenges that he faces in his life daily. I just can't believe this is how they decide to deal with my son. Yesterday and today, I have given him nothing but my love and support. I've definitely talked to him about not threatening or hurting others and I did tell him I was disappointed by his behavior. I don't want him to think of this time as a "get out of school pass."
Anyway, thanks a lot. I will be very different at the meeting tomorrow than what they've seen before. I want them to like me, but I also don't want them to think they can push me around either.
Irene
Irene~
again, sorry for all this. I have similar issues with the agression and use of inappropriate threats (perhaps we're sharing the same child? lol).
You are dead on, it is Never a punishment for these kids to stay home! what don't they get about that! That is the point I made, he wants to be home, even with consequences (loss of gameboy and pokemon cards/books). My son refers to himself as a jerk or an idiot. I tell him you can act like a jerk but not be a jerk... that in life everyone makes poor choices, especially when angry. It is normal and healthy, HOWEVER... there are consequences (for example, when mom kicked my shoe across the room because I couldn't get it on, and broke my vase!...)... not a good consequence and that I could have hurt someone. I like to remind him I'm human and I make mistakes or bad choices sometimes too, and even though I do, I am neither stupid, jerky or idiotic! I'm just mad. I think he likes that he can relate to me that I don't always do the right thing~...
as far as getting them to like you... while the saying is that you get more with honey than vinegar, I find you'll get more respect and attention by knowing what you need to know, asking questions that let them seem like they have a clue (cuz we know there are only so many things they actually have a clue about! lol), and on top of it all standing firm! In the end, though, even if I am less than well-liked, but my kid is getting his needs met, I'm good there too. You either love me or hate me, either way you will respect me! That's my motto!
Good luck at your meeting... all of the ladies here are behind you, no doubt!!!
Nicole
Thanks so much for your support. I can't wait 'till tomorrow because I want to show 'em what I got! ;) I will tell you that every time I'm pumped and ready to kick some booty, I walk in and they're already kissing mine! ;) Still, I won't fall for it because I do need to give them a piece of my mind. Anyway, thanx for your thoughts and for letting me know that there's another kid out there like my little nutty sweetie! ;)
Hugs,
Irene
Pages