Suspended from school....seeking advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Suspended from school....seeking advice
12
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 2:21am

Hi all,
My nearly 8 y.o. son was suspended from school a few weeks ago (for one day) and again just on Friday (for two days). I feel like he doesn't have control over his impulses (he's not on any meds b/c DH is against it), so even though the Principal has advised me to make him (in so many words) miserable (so that he's not happy to be home), I feel that I cannot be mean to my son, when he doesn't act approriately at school.

He pushed a girl from his class on Friday and he threatened his teacher and the Principal that he would hit them (though he did not). I later found out that this girl (who is his best friend) had been ignoring him and this hurt him a lot. Then, when his class was lining up for lunch, she wasn't listening to the teacher, so he pushed her w/ both hands and yelled at her about how selfish she is, or something to that effect. He was suspended previously for hitting a boy in class (the boy stole his mechanical pencil and wouldn't give it back). I know he's so wrong for his behaviors, but I have two questions.

1. Do you think he should have been suspended for threatening to hurt the teacher and Principal, even though he didn't actually do it? I feel like he should have maybe been treated differently by maybe being given an assignment about what he did, for instance. Instead, he's already feeling unwanted by other students, but now, he's being made to feel unwanted to the school staff. At first, I thought it was good that he was suspended, but now, I'm starting to feel it's unfair, given the fact that he has trouble w/ impulsivity (he has ADHD).

2. Now that he will be home on Monday & Tuesday, how should I treat him? These past few days, I have been telling him how disappointed I am that he got into trouble. I've made him realize that I can't set up playdates (which he needs for socialization purposes!)since I never know when he'll be in trouble, using this as a "natural consequence." But, other than having him do homework, how should he be treated while suspended? Do you experienced parents believe he should be made to feel horrible? Or, do you feel I should just be matter of fact. I believe he's very remorseful, but I don't think any of my actions will change his future behavior. I have talked to him about this endlessly and I almost feel like the energy I spend on changing him so he can fit into the box is a waste of my health and just makes him feel worse about himself.

Please give me some advice. I couldn't include lots of info because this email would be even longer! ;) I hope some of you experienced parents can make some constructive suggestions. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself that my son got suspended on Mother's Day weekend! ;) Have any of you been through something like this? How did you respond, or how would you respond if you HAD been through something similar?

Thanks so much,
Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:13pm
hi,sorry to here your son has been suspended.this happened to my son only last week for the same reasons as your son.my son has pdd nos so i know how difficult and worrying it all is.when he was off school i got him to write a story about what had happened and what the outcome of the problem could be,what he could have done differently and would the outcome would have been the same.i tried to keep it as relaxed as possible and not to use it as a punishment,as my son was mortified that he couldn't go to school not that he just wasn't going.there's agreat book available called'a volcano in my tummy'for children who have problems with how they express there anger.some schools use it as a whole class discussion so the other children in the class know how your son is feeling and it is not as scary.hope this is of some help,yvonne.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 5:21pm
Hi Yvonne!
Thanks SO MUCH for the ideas. I will definitley try the story idea. I think it's great, since I don't want my son to feel punished. I would have to transcribe for him, since he has a very tough time w/ writing and it stunts his creativity. Still, having him write a story w/ my help would be great! He's now back to school and every day, I'm terrified that he'll get into trouble. I'm going to look for that book on Amazon. Again, thanks for taking the time to help.
Irene :)

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