Talking grief with AS son
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Talking grief with AS son
| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:34am |
Sadly, a boy in our mom's group passed away on the weekend.
| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:34am |
Sadly, a boy in our mom's group passed away on the weekend.
Tough one on both counts. Poor guy and that poor family. How horrible. Losing a child has always been one of my biggest fears, maybe because I knew 3 kids when I was in elementary who died.
I would go with the old letting Owen take the lead on this one. He is only 6 and he is AS meaning that his understanding of such things is likely a few years behind. At that age I think you follow the childs questions and answer them in an age appropriate manner giving them lots of hugs and comfort. From our belief system (catholic) I would tell them that the boy went to heaven to be with Jesus. If the child asked why then it is something like "because Jesus decided it was time. It was really early but he must have thought he was ready for heaven". If he asks when owen will come back you are honest and just say that he won't however you want to put that. If they ask if they or someone they love is going to die, I reassure them that no, that won't happen. What happened to that boy is very rare and most people live until they are old.
We recently had a boy named Owen pass away that we knew as well. He was 12 and severe/profound special needs but my kids knew him and the family and liked him. He got very sick, I think he also had a heart problem. He died as well so I just went through this conversation with Emily and Cait. Emily is friendly with one of the sisters. Mike hasn't noticed and I don't think Dave knew him. I haven't had the heart to tell Mike yet.
I believe I mentioned here about a boy with severe needs that Mike was kind too though others stared and even copied with his chew necklace for a while? That was the boy but I am sure Mike won't know who it was if I tell him and then he will get upset that he can't figure out who it is.
Another point, be cautious when explaining. Cait was always ok but Mike is REALLY sensitive to death and something like that would likely really throw him into a tailspin. this is part of why I haven't told him yet. He would obsess on a boy dying for months.
Renee
Dear Pam,
The worst thing in the whole world would be to lose a child.
I am not sure with my AS son (5) if I would tell him before he asks or not. He can be so zoned out in a group that he might not notice a two-year-old is missing. Or he may remember the child by a visual detail that eluded me, and not by a name. So if I tried to tell him that Owen passed away, he might have no idea who I was talking about, but he might go to the group and wonder why the baby with the brownish-red pointy hair was not there.
My son would react like Renee's if I told him but he could not remember who it was. He would spend weeks asking if that kid was owen? or that boy? or that girl? it would never end. Therefore, i'd have to see if my son knew the boy's name, first. If I had pictures, that would help get a context. If he did not know the boy or his name, I probably would not tell him anything unless he asked. If I decided to wait and see if I should tell him, I'd try to carry a picture of Owen for the converstaion.
If the mood is super somber (what else?) and my son picked up on it at the meeting, I'd start generally. "We are sad because somebody we love died." I'm not sure if at that point, my son would be more interested in who they were or in what happened to the body. My guess is the latter. I'd have to answer a lot of questions about whatever the final arrangements were, and "I don't know," would not suffice. Once he got a grip on that, he would probably want to know the age, and if the decedant is sitting on the clouds watching us. (A long time ago, he asked about my MIL, who died before he was born; at the same time the sun was streaming through the clouds like in cheap paintings. I told him that those beams were his grandmother watching him grow up.) Then my son would start to ask me tough questions, like how can someone be buried and watching him from the clouds, questioning whether that was proof that magic is real, etc. He would re-ask reams of questions about the hamster and fish deaths we have been through. I am actually exhuasted just fantasizing about the conversation.
In my son's case, I might have had to hold off telling him just to give me a chance to go through my emotions. My son would be very difficult. Add my own grief....I'd need some respite. And eventually I would want to get to the needs of the family that actually went through this.
Sorry, I don't think there is a useful word in this post. But this is a hard one.
Sidney