Tell me if I handled this right..
Find a Conversation
Tell me if I handled this right..
| Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:34pm |
Yesterday I get a call from ds v.principal..seems Jake has been caught with his hand in the little girls purse that sits in front of him in Science. So he gets 3 days In "ISS"In school suspention. So when he gets home we have a talk about it. I reitorate the rule "We never touch anything that doesn't belong to us" and then I take from him his 10$ he earned for raking grandpas yard. I tell him that he will get it back after he gets out of ISS. He is enraged...mad, depressed, withdrawn. I did it to show him how it feels to have something taken from you...hopefully it works. This is about the 5th time he has been cought taking or trying to take.
Did I handle it right.....what else could I have done?
Liza
PS Jake is 12 and in the 7th grade.

Liza,
Do you know why he's doing this? Was he upset with the punishment that was given to him at school? It sure makes me wonder that if Jake's tried doing this many times before...there's probably a reason for it. What did he say to you, or did he say anything?
Michelle
Well you aren't taking it permanently and he obviously needs a very concrete example of why not to do this so maybe it will work. Do you think he made the connection between your taking his $10 and his taking from the other girl. That is the one thing. My kids often don't make that kind of connection. I see them more just being angry at me for taking thier stuff.
Here is another thought. This is what I did with mike and aggressions. I was very direct. I told him that hitting was against the law and adults that hit go to jail. That kids that hit when they get old enough to know better go to juvenile hall or special schools because they arent safe in a regular school. That he could not hit because that was against the law and he was getting big enough now that he had to stop. It worked. He has occasional little outbursts but he has not hit in school since and it is a quick thing at home usually. Not the big blow outs they were.
Honest, I only got that direct (the first time. I have had to remind him since and try to do so gently yet directly) when he was so bad in a psychiatrists office that she nearly called the police and had him hospitalized. He didn't understand and I told him clearly if he kept hitting he would be taken by police and wouldn't come home with me. It worked. But I didn't like scaring him like that but that is exactly what would have happened. He didn't understand that before.
I wonder if you tell him that stealing is against the law if that would work. Our kids are very concrete and just the "it's not nice" or how it feels from the others point of view sometimes doesn't mean anything to them. So the blunt direct approach may.
Renee
Hi Liza,
I think our kids are actually never too old for a social story with pictures. I also think Renee is right. Letting him know the seriousness of the offense is a good idea. I also wonder, since this has happened a few times, if there is something else more compulsive going on around this... But of course he may not be able to articulate this?
If it is a compulsion, though, taking his money may not translate, as Renee said, because he won't connect the events in the moment of impulsivity. Our RDI therapist is big on "highlighting" the event with photographs to help create episodic memories, can you create a comic book with Polaroids about the dos and don'ts of stealing, starring him?
Good luck, let us know how the saga unfolds.
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I agree with the other suggestions of making a social story or using a photo book to help him make sense of the experience. The only other thing I would add is that possibly your son is having trouble with impulsive acts because he needs a reminder that occurs at the same time as the impulse - - sort of a string around the finger thing.
For my son, Cassian, this is a huge problem. We end up posting signs around the house to remind him of important things. His teachers do the same at school. Age is not a factor here, so much as the development of executive processing skills, which are delayed in most ASD, ADHD, and ADD children. I would suggest posting a sign on his desk at school, since the girl sits in front of him. Something like, "Keep your hands to yourself" or "Do NOT Touch Other People's things." Another sign could be posted in the room on a bulletin board within his line of sight. The teacher could also hand him a small card to hold during the class, which says in words or uses a picture to show the rule.
I can explain this tendency cognitively to you by the fact that many people with ASD, ADHD, or ADD have difficulty holding more than one thought in their head at a time. In a sense, their hyperfocus tendencies cause them to fail at mental multitasking, especially when the other thought was not initiated by them. After they transgress and get punished, they may have a sort of "Oh yeah, I remember that-" feeling, and they probably feel frustrated at themselves - - similar to how you feel if you forget information at the time of a test but remember the minute the leave the room. Many people with ASD or the other disorders report that immediately after transgressing they will realize they screwed up. I suspect this sort of thing is happening to your son because he has been punished several times and repeated the same behavior.
So, try one of the approaches above along with another method that can help him consolodate the memory better than just an oral explanation of the problem. If you don't have success after these methods are employed, I would start to think about an explanation of compulsive stealing behavior (as with cleptomania), especially if the same thing begins to occur across contexts.
Suzi