Telling DS he's adopted
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| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:53pm |
Ok, when we adopted our son at birth I thought the most difficult thing we would face would be telling him he is adopted. (LOL!!!) But I thought I had it figured out. All the professionals say that when your child begins to ask about "where do babies come from" that you then can introduce their personal adoption story. The earlier the better. There are lots of good children's books about this and of course friends and relatives gave them to us when Eric was born.
I also put together a scrapbook with photos of Eric's birthfamily, him in the hospital, all kinds of things. I think I started it with a wedding photo of me and DH, then progressed. We are in touch with the family and I have a box full of letters, photos etc. for later on. All of us are open to Eric meeting them one day, if he wants.
Well, I had presumed DS would be interested in this long before now (he is almost 4) but the time is coming, he seems suddently interested in babies but hasn't asked where they come from yet. I am wondering if I am going to totally confuse him, it seems like such a complicated idea for him to understand. The scrapbook is kind of like a "social story" but not exactly.
I'm rambling, probably no one has much experience with this either, but any thoughts would be appreciated!
Katherine

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Well, I have always thought from what you can tell from these boards,that Bobby and Eric seem pretty similiar in many ways. I don't think he can get the whole concept, just a child sized version.
It's just that Eric is showing all this interest in babies and we are working on getting him to ask questions in ST. He's starting to really get into asking questions. He's also interested in baby pics of himself lately and of us as babies. I know it will just be a matter of time before he asks "where do babies come from?" He's already asked me where to trees come from and seems to get the idea that seeds grow into trees (and yet he can't remember to use a spoon or pull up his pants w/o prompting! LOL!)
I'm trying to think of some very simple answer, like I don't know what,"the hospital" or something like that (not that necessarily, but you know, something simple). I am sure that would satisfy him. I can't say "from their moms and dads" without getting into the whole adoption thing which I don't think he's totally ready for. Also, his cousins know he is adopted and I don't want them to say something first before we do, you know? (I have mentioned this to his aunt, who agrees.)
I don't know if I am making any sense.
Well, I don't have any thoughts on adoption but I have always thought that telling kids that they have an ASD should be on the same lines as how you would tell a child they are adopted so perhaps my experience with telling the kids about ASD would help a little.
I also started telling them in child sized versions when they started to ask questions which for this came more around 6 or 7. More alongs everyone brains works different, everyone is good at some things and everyone needs help in some things. And highlighting thier strengths. Trying to keep it really concrete for them.
I would keep it really concrete. Is he an aspie who tends to have a large vocabulary? If he doesn't completely understand the terms I would probably still give him the correct vocabulary. Everyone comes from a mommy and daddy. You have a birth mommy and daddy and we adopted you which means we picked you out special. And however you want to explain it to him.
Even if he doesn't completely understand it now you will want to be honest because it will be easier to explain in the long run. Slowly he will understand more and more.
I also wouldn't push the subject. Though most kids may ask at 3-4, our kids are definitely behind in those areas and may not ask until 5 or 6. I don't even think Emily asked where babies came from until she was older than 4. It was when she saw a pregnant aunt I think. He will likely get more interested in asking if he has an experience with the situation.
At 6 Cait noticed she was different then other kids. So we explained everyone is different. She didn't understand much of what we said I found out later, but we planted the seed and openned the dialogue. Consider this a life long teaching experience.
Renee
Thank you Renee, this is very helpful. Also with regards to telling Eric he is ASD, which to tell you the truth may happen earlier or at around this same time. That's been on my mind too. Kind of a double whammy for him that could all be hard unless we are careful.
He does use elevated vocabulary. If I told him he's "adopted" he would start to use the word right away even if he didn't understand it and go around telling everyone "I'm adopted" which wouldn't be bad, I guess. In his class, there are twin girls whose mom just had a baby and that may be where all this is interest in babies is coming from in part.
As for telling him he's ASD, I think he is beginning to already have a sense that he is a bit different and it seems to bother him. I know he gets easily frustrated with himself when he tried to do physical things other do and it is harder for him. Or when he thinks he understood something and it turns out he didn't. These are the main sources of his melt downs right now, to tell you the truth. But that's another long story.
I have several books like "It's okay to be different" so maybe we should just focus on those for now. I'm not pushing either topic, just want to be read when the questions coms bc I can see them on the horizon.
I do appreciate the guidance very much.
Hmmm.
We recently adopted kittens, and of course it is not the same thing at all, but we explained that these kittens needed a family, and we were a family with a lot of love to give, and we would be their family. it is nice and neat for a ball of fluff from the animal shelter, but not quite as simple in your situation
But I use the example for a reason, and to expand on Renee's theme: I don't know if starting small might involve stories about adopted pets, or 'other' kids (maybe from the Katrina) who needed a family or some special care, and gradually working the theme closer to home and finally, around to him.
It's just a thought.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Hi!
I have three children all adopted at birth. Their ages are 17, 6, and 5. With our first son we used the word adoption at around age 3, just so he would hear the word and it wouldn't be 'out of the blue'. Of course we didn't give many details, just something like, "some children come into their families through birth and some come into their family through adoption.' We said it very causally and matter of fact and 'happy' if that makes any sense. As he got older--around 4, he asked a few questions and we told him the lady that carried him in her tummy loved him very much, but she wasn't able to be a mommy just yet and she chose us to be his mommy and daddy. I will add that during this time was when the Baby Jessica case was getting a lot of press. (Little girl was adotped and after 3/4 years given to birth parents.) I was SO careful not to let ds see anything about it, but one day there was a quick ad on tv about an upcoming story and it said, :"Baby Jessica, she has a new name a new home and a new mom'. Ds--age 4 at the time, saw this and fell apart. He cried and begged me, "Please mommy, dont' ever let anyone take me away from you like that." It truly broke my heart. For several weeks he was a wreck with nightmares and wouldn't let me out of his sight. He followed me around telling me how much he loved me, as if I needed convincing to keep him! Finally one day I was praying about it and I had an idea. I got the picture that we had taken at court when adoption was final. DH and I are standing in front of the judges bench, holding ds. The judge is sitting with the gavel in his hand. I showed the pic to ds and said, "This man is the judge who made it a law that you are our son. No one can break that law. You are ours forever." He never worried about it after that:^)
We are careful with our kids to always show respect when we speak about their birthparents. The conversations are still very casual, since our oldest has indicated he isn't interested at this point in any information. I do have some books and my dd especially likes Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born.
Btw, it's kind of funny...one time when ds was a baby a woman was holding him and asked if we were ever going to tell him he was adopted. I had to keep a straight face when I answered that yes, we thought that would be best. You see, my dh and I are caucasian and our kiddos are all African American :^)
Blessings,
Debbi
It is tough.
We are fortunate that our kids are lucky enough to be exposed to lots of different people with lots of differences. We always treated the whole subject of people with special needs very openly. Every single person is special and important. Every person has special gifts. Some may not be able to walk or talk as easy but they are just as special.
When the subject comes up I would remind the kids of the above and I would have the kids name what those others were good at. Margaret at our church is severe CP, has a hard time talking and is in a wheel chair. BUT she drives her own car, has a deep faith and goes to church every day and loves to draw and is a good artist. My nephew is classic autistic and may have a hard time talking but he is a great friend, always kind and is great at running and sports.
Then when the kids start to notice they are different, I acknowledge that they are. But then I focus on what they are good at. What are thier strengths. What is special about them. Sure they may need a little extra help with this or that, but everyone needs help with something.
They probably didn't learn the word Aspergers in relation to them until they were about 9. That was when they were ready to put a word with it. However, we don't treat the word autism as a hush hush thing around here. My motto is "To not speak of autism is to make it something unspeakable'. I don't want my kids to think there is something unspeakable, wrong or defective about themselves. Just like I wouldn't if they were in a wheelchair. AS is a disability in my mind but they are still able, they just have to work harder.
As they get older (and Cait is just getting to this age) they should begin to learn more what their needs are and how to help overcome them. To accept they have some shortcomings and what they need to get beyond those. Only in accepting thier challenges are they able to self advocate and get past them. If Cait can accept that she doesn't always hear directions then she knows she needs things written and to ask her teachers to do that. If Mike accepts that he can only handle so much stimulation and tends to get angry then he will begin to recognize when he is getting angry and what he can do to keep in control.
That is where we are at now. It is a life long thing. I have just recently gotten "Aspergers, what does it mean to me" for both of them. They are great workbooks made for this age group. Cait did hers in 2 days and still refers to it. Mike refuses to even look at his. Some day he will be ready.
Renee
Debbie,
ROFL! Funny story at the end there. No I am sure the kids would have NEVER noticed that they really didn't have that family resemblance.
We used to have a tread for the stupidest things someone had ever said to us (usually about special needs kids). I think that should be on the list.
Renee
Renee,
Another favorite of mine was when someone asked me if my twin brother and I were identical!!
LOL
Debbi
ROFL, well ummmmmmmm
Have you ever watched Jay Leno's Jay walkers? There are some not so bright types out there.
Renee
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