Things just suck right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Things just suck right now...
4
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 11:10pm
sorry to phrase it that way but things just do "suck" right now. My son has been belligerent, defiant, angry, whiney, fussy...do I go on? Please, do let me. When my son has fits he has these "in your face" fits. He can't go off and have a tantrum somewhere, no he has to get right in your face with it. He is either whining and begging for something back and when that doesn't work he is enraged and screaming. The only thing that works right now is for me to lock myself in a room, but that doesn't really work. He gets destructive and starts tearing the house apart because he knows it will get me out. The same goes for being in his room. He'll tear it end to end if I make him stay in it. The child will not go away to cool down. I have to get the full blown in your face rage. On top of this is the new level of defiance he has risen to (or should I say lowered himself to). He will deliberately defy myself or my husband and then have an all-out fit when the consequences come. I want to beat my head against a wall. My husband and I are coming to our wits end with him and each other. Sensory issues are coming to the forefront as well, and anti-social behavior and anger are reaching new heights. My son can hold a grudge better than an betrayed old woman. Slights get blown so far out of proportion that I don't think he'll ever talk to some people again. I'd like to know what the heck is going on. We've found a new pyschologist but we can't even get into see her until May, and then it will be biweekly after that. So I have no one to gripe to or seek advice from.

The latest changes in my son's life are that his grandmother left last month after an extended visit. He started T-ball, which is not going well at all but I want him to stick it out till the end. And he was sick and out of the "social circle" of homeschoolers for two weeks. Going back to our social activities has not been easy at all. I just want to tear all my hair out. Did I mention that my husband is going TDY for a week? You think maybe he set this up on purpose???????????

bless my son, because I still do love him

bless me for not wrapping him up in a box and sending him to siberia

and bless you for reading this

bless

bugs

Avatar for suitemadameblue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 9:50am
Sorry I can't offer any help, except to say that I have been there.

Summer of 2000, when Tristan had jut turned 4, was when we hit just about bottom (he hadn't been diagnosed yet). I think the fact that my hubby was deployed for 6months had quite alot to do with it - stresses on me take their toll on the kids. While we didn't have the "in-your-face" tantrums, he was extermely destructive and dangerous to himself and others. My initial attempt was to put him in his room and allow him to get it out of his system on his own. Baaaaaaaaaad idea!!! lol He quickly ended up losing everything - EVERYTHING - in his room, except for a mattress on the floor. All toys, all furniture, even the bedroom and closet doors. May have been a good idea, but he just got bored, and then got hooked on the idea of climbing out the windows......from a second floor bedroom!!!!! Thank heavens for fantastic neighbors who really helped and kept a watchful eye while hubby was gone.

Once I realized that the removal of things wasn't making much of a difference, he got everything back. Let me tell you, it was a very loooooooooong summer, because I found that the only thing that worked when his fits started was holding him tight. I would sit cross-legged on the floor, make (get) him sitting on my lap, then cross my arms in front of him and just hold on for the ride!! Oh...have I mentioned that Tristan has never been "on" the charts when it came to weight/height? He is a big kid with a huge, SOLID head, and he learned fast that he could hurt me by slamming his head back into my chest! Still, that was what worked the best for us. Painfully so, but it worked! ;)

((Sadly enough, it wasn't until 2yrs later (May, 2002) that we got any sort of diagnosis.))

I know I didn't help very much, but I just wanted to let you know that I know where you are coming from ..... especially in the displaced hubby department!!

Take care, and be sure to vent to us as often as is needed!!!

~Carrie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 4:43pm
Thanks so much for your reply Carrie. Its always nice to know your not alone :) We have had those days when there was nothing else to loose so why even bother behaving? I hate days like those. We are back in a negative rut (again) and I am determined that we are going to get through it (it does seem to take forever though, doesn't it?). And I can't hold my son through his rages for the exact same reasons you gave, he is too big and definitely could do some damage (he is a week away from being six). I have picked my battle and I am sticking to my guns. I am currently working on respect and controlling anger. He has gotten mouthy and strikes out when angry. I thought we got over the lashing out when angry but for some reason it has come back full force. I also need to work on his socialization big time but I need to have him straighten up a bit on the other departments I mentioned.

We are lucky for this war (if you call it luck) in that my husband's job is definitely stateside. He spend the last war in Turkey and wouldn't particularly want him back over there again. We are also looking to retire in a year, so no more moving after that (or TDY's)!! Hooray!! I am looking to finally settling down in one place.

Thanks for your note, it was really uplifting to hear that I am not alone.

bless

bugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:04am
Sorry you are going through a rough spell. We find ourselves going through that with Mike on frequent occasions. Sometimes are worse than others. I read a book a while ago that talked alot about the rage cycle and what they called "neurological storms". It was Asperger's Syndrome and Difficult Moments. I don't remember all of it, but I read it in one day and it had lots of good tips. I still use some and need to read it again to remember some others.

We have been going through similar things with Mike again. I tweaked our home behavior program yesterday and so far that seems to be working. I hope so anyway. His problem seems to be he just can't be flexible in his thinking. He gets stuck on something and it constantly turns into a screamfest battle. From not listening and not wanting to do what I asked (usually he just can't transition to what I want him to do), to someone disagreeing with what his version of the truth or a rule is. I am seriously thinking of putting him on Luvox like Cait just to help with the flexibility. The neuro suggested possibly risperdol when I was there with Dave. Mike hasn't actually been seen by her yet, but his behavior was pretty obvious when we took Dave. Mike sees her in May. Poor guy needs something. Even he doesnt like that he can't be flexible. He doesn't want to be that obstinant and impulsive.

That is the one thing I have to remember. Mike doesn't want to be bad. He is not doing it just to make me mad. When he is in a good place, he is a really sweet kid and I bet your son is too. He just can never seem to listen or be easy going on anything.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:23pm
I have to tell you the book is ordered! Thank you for sharing (and I MEAN that!!). We have had a hell of a day (yes, I said hell). I let my son choose one lesson to omit from his homeschooling per day and substitute another activity. He is not allowed to choose the same subject two days in a row. Well, today he HAD to do reading/phonics and yes it was from that horrible hateful boring book known as phonic's lessons. If I had offered to have him put his hand in boiling oil or read, he would have chose the boiling oil. He gets it in his head that he is not going to do something now or ever and that's that. No one or anything is going to change his mind. I did everything but light a fire under him. I am now trying to work my way out of the 10 year grounding as it is (jk, he is "grounded" until tomorrow). He can't have a tantrum like every other kid either, he doesn't throw a fit on the floor or kick things around (although he has been known to do this). He has to be screaming and yelling right in my face, and I mean IN MY FACE. He would make a great drill instructor. It took us almost three hours to do a half hour worth of activities. I am exhausted. I hate days like this.

My DS sounds a lot like your son. I am hoping that we can get through this without medication but if doesn't improve we probably will be looking into that.

I hope the book gets here soon. I need it!!

Thanks so much

bless

bugs