Tough Night Last Night

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tough Night Last Night
9
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 12:36pm

Last night I spent the night crying in pity for my son. My son has AS and stems by twirling his hair. About two weeks ago he got a mohawk (he is 6) and since we had to put product on it to get it to stand up, he seemed to twirl less during the day. However, when he got home at night he would do it. Yesterday, I picked him up from summer camp and I took one look at his hair and felt sad. It looked like he had a perm. Then I see that he has twisted it so bad that it was in a huge knot right in the front of his head. bye bye mohawk. We had to shave it off last night and then saw that he twisted it so much he has two small bald spots in the front of this head.

The heart breaking part was as he sat in the chair when we were doing his hair I said to him "Did you have a rough day today baby?" He said "Yes. Anthony is suppose to be my friend but he wasn't acting like my friend today". I almost lost it. That is why his hair was so bad, he couldn't deal with this social issue at all. I explained to him that at his age sometimes your friends change quite a bit and that the best thing is that his mom, dad and sister will be his best friends forever. That seem to satisfy him for the moment. Although this morning I reminded him how his family is his best friends and my little "logic boy" had apparently thought deeply about this last night and came to the conclusion that we aren't his best friends that we are his family and they just can't be the same.

UGH! I hope today is better for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:24pm

Poor little guy!!! I think this is the most difficult thing about being a parent to a spectrum kid -- seeing how difficult it is for them to navigate their social world. And it's just amazing how early those social difficulties start cropping up. I hope he had a better day today!

That's really great that he was able to verbalize his feelings, though... Even if he's having a difficult time dealing with things, he's able to talk to you about it, which is wonderful.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:50pm
((HUGS))
That is the part of having a child with Autism that I am dreading the most. I feel so bad for you and your son but I guess all you can do is keep reasurring him he's loved and hope that's enough.
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 3:27pm
(((((hugs)))))Ditto what ever one else said. I orgianlly read your post at work and started tearing up as I read it.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:23pm

I hope today was a better day for you and him.

How are you all doing tonight?

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:58pm

Just a few words to emphathise and say that my son, almost 9 years old, had some very rough times with his friend last year at Day Camp. They still have troubles, and times can be very bumpy with them, but also THIS IS NORMAL! And he is learning that friends can make mistakes, grow and then even maybe become better friends, even when there are bumps in the road. I know we want our ASD kids, who already struggle so with socialization, to only have relationships with great kids, but that is not the real world, and great kids can also have bad moments. Certainly it is NOT OK when it turns into bullying, but having disagreements and fights is such a part of the relationship deal. I have spent alot of time with ds talking about fighting, telling stories about how my friendships were as a kid and even are as a grownup, painting the bigger picture for him, etc.

Malcolm's friend is a child we are all very close to, and I can see how sometimes he gets embarrassed by ds, sometimes he gets impatient with him, sometimes he isn't as careful as he could be about things that comes out of his mouth to ds. And sometimes he and ds misinterpret each other's intentions -- or just plain squabble. But this is a real friend, his strongest relationship and they genuinely love each other. I do help them out as best I can, because I am hopeful that they really will always stay friends.

But I remember best friends I had as a kid that didn't work out long term...

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that your son got so sad, but maybe he and his friend can make up, that would also be terrific part of the learning process!!! Because it is GREAT he wants to have best friends, and have family be family. That's the way it should be!!!

This is the part that NO parent likes, ever.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 7:43pm
I found my son crying in his room the other night by himself, he told me he has no friends at school (this is a new school) and that everyone always tells him to "shut up" and he annoys people. I was devestated! He's going into 7th grade and I know it's just going to get worse for him. Everytime I think about him struggling to make it through the school day it just makes me want to cry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:33pm

How very, very sad. When you say new, is it a few months, weeks? How new? Is he on an IEP? Does this include social goals? Social skills groups? Peer mentoring? What is the school's stance and action on bullying? How proactive are they?

Our kids do need lots of help with friendship and socialization. I have never had my son in too many completely unsupervised social situations, and he is in a private special needs school where social interaction is part of what the teachers/therapists help him with. So I can't speak to a "regular" school. My son is academically easily within reach of attending an NT school, but I am not interested in the programming within those schools that I have seen or heard about.

What your son describes is what I would be afraid of, and I have always held that being ostracized and belittled is NOT the kind of socialization that benefits any of our children... which is why I don't exactly stand behind the idea having our kids educated alongside their NT peers, unless ALL their disabilities are accomodated, their peers educated and made part of the whole child education, and the entire school participates. Indeed, the entire community.

After all, a child in a wheelchair would not often find themselves being shoved down steep hills by their classmates and tossed out of their chairs to be left in deserted hallways... And if it happened, there would be huge headlines and charges brought up against the children and adults in charge.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:52pm

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Today at camp was a little better. I guess it is a day by day thing and I just have to try and work with him. The unfortunate thing is that everyone else knows more than his parents. I thought that happened in the teen years, he is only 6!

Melissa

Avatar for insideout418
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:04pm

Oh Melissa, I was sitting here and actually said AWWWWWWWWW outloud when I read the original post.

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