Ugh, bad mom
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| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:25pm |
Ok, I can't take it anymore from him and I blew my top completely off today. So I am sitting here to cool down and figure out how to deal with it.
Mike has had a incredible oppositional streak going lately combined with hyperactivity and rudeness. Just not a particularly pleasant person to be around about 75% of the time. Maybe closer to 95% since thanksgiving. To the point that he won't even stop just stupid annoying behavior when anyone asks him. He does it louder just to tick them off. Whether it is saying a line or touching someone or even licking them.
Well for the last few days he has been great, then suddenly it starts in again with this stuff today and I just lost it on him. I just cuoldn't handle the teaser of niceness I guess. First I sent him to time out and was waiting him out. He was supposed to unload the dishwasher or pick up his room and he was being a complete s-it. Finally I started to unload myself angrily and he starts in with it is all my fault for putting him in timeout. Well I ent off and yelled at why he was in timeout. He started to cry and then finally went to clean his room liked asked. I apologized for yelling at him, etc.
Then he says he is done cleaning his room but he isn't. He again has his crap piled everywhere because he has an obsession on not putting his legos and stuff away. He just picks it all up off the floor but Dave has no where to put any of his stuff. I start cleaning it with him and explaining for the 1 millionth time that he has to put some of the legos in the lego boxes and which he can keep out.
He gets rude again and as the final straw tells me "you only do things because you hate me". That was it. I lost it again on him. And I ended with the worst mom line ever. "Your right mike, right now I am feeling like I hate you" and I stormed out of the room.
I can yell all I want and he STILL doesn't get it. WHy the frick do I bother? He finally did clean up his room or so he comes and tells me. I doubt it but I haven't checked yet. He is being nasty and I can tell he has the attitude that it is all my fault and doesn't get how he has been a s-it head all darn day. (update - he just walked back in and is very sweet like nothing ever happened. I SO DON'T GET THAT!)
My bad momness gets worse. This is just wrong and I know it. Last night I was taking the girls to meet thier grandma at the movie theatre. My MIL was late so we were waiting outside and Cait was excited. Well she was acting rather hyper and very geeky and drawing alot of attention to herself. There were 3 teen girls sitting about 20ft away making fun of her and copying her. I stared them down when I noticed. That was fine. But then I had Cait sit next to me and I told her what the girls were doing and explained that when I tell her to stop a behavior it is because it is embarrassing and that is what people will do. Well she started to cry and I felt like crap.
What I should have done was go and hand those girls an autism card and tell them that they were being rude and their mothers would NOT be proud of them. Then I should have just let Cait be herself knowing that she was just excited for the movie.
When will I learn
Renee


{{{Renee}}}
When my dd was little and we both went thru alot of therapy for her BPD, I would walk into therapy, loaded with guilt because there were many times I messed up, and couldn't take her behavior, and would say things or do things I wish I hadn't.
She said relax, you are human, and the good thing is, when mistakes are made, I could always find away to fix it.
Yesterday I worked from 9am to 8pm. Usually I work longer but was sick and came home a little bit early. I was tired, coughing up a storm and just wanted to be left alone when I got home. The boys were still up, all hyper because I came home early (usually I dont' get home till 11 or 12) and my 10 yr old was driving me crazy with his insistance that I keep going up and down the stairs refilling his water for him. I lost it, yelled at him that he should get it himself (he won't, he will just keep bugging me for hours, saying the same thing over and over again) and I was also mad at my husband, who wasn't helping at all (at least I felt that way). Anyway I felt terrible after, because I REALLY screamed (I had my own trantrum lol), but after, I went back apologized and felt better, and so did he.
Don't beat yourself up too badly. Your only human, and dealing with these type of behaviors from our kids are really hard to take sometimes.
(((((((Renee))))))))),
That sounds like behavior that
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((((((((Renee))))))))
I understand why you feel bad, but I would've done the exact same thing. With our oldest, there are times when I simply have to yell. It's the only way to make him understand that I'm serious and he'd better get his act together. (Which he IS capable of doing.) Since most of the time I'm a typically mild mannered kinda gal, it's a major wake-up call. Ugly? Perhaps. But effective. Sometimes it hurts his feelings, but that's all part of life. Even if he weren't on the spectrum, there would be times that I'd yell and hurt his feelings. As special needs parents we do our best to shelter our kids from a lot of the harsher realities of life. But in the end, life is hard. People yell. Feelings get hurt. It's all part of the process.
I wish I could pop open a bottle of red with you right now. :-)
Amy
Ahhh me too, but mayber later in the day. It is more coffee time here now, lol. (It is 8am here.)
Thanks, this is true for Mike too. Sometimes he just doesn't get that I mean business until I yell. I hate doing it as well. Typically I am a mild mannered mom as well so it really crushes him when I do it. Thing is I just don't think he gets why I yell and I don't think it has done any good. Other than he feels really horribly and then goes through a few hours of being overly good.
It is strange, when Mike feels bad about what he did he goes into perfect boy mode to the extreme. Suddenly uberhelpful, kind, flexible, but won't admit that anything happened or discuss it and discussing it is like talking to a wall. For instance, yesterday soon after the incident we were deciding whether to go to grandmas for babysitting or have her come to our house. Every kid had an oppinion but Mike. He refused to have an oppinion about it and just said "fine with me either way" over and over. I tried to tell him it is ok to have an oppinion but he can't get it. To him having an oppinion would be the same as being difficult and not listening.
But still once the ubergood boy period is finished he is right back to the difficult behavior that got him yelled at in the first place and he doesn't get why I was frustrated.
It is infuriating sometimes.
Renee
Hello,
I'm coming into this conversation late, but Renee's third paragraph describes my son perfectly. (If I was computer literate I would have the paragraph copied here.)He believe no opinion is the safest option this includes choosing a meal at a restaurant, gifts to buy for other people even which movie to see.
The time from Halloween to Christmas was brutal for us.Several times I lost my patience with son and he never believed he was the cause of what he calls "mom's difficult moods". These are the times that I wrestle with is it the asperger/bp or is it just a child behavior?
Hi Renee,
I haven't posted here in about a year because the last year has been incredibly crazy. We moved to NC last Oct. Moved back to NJ this Oct. But that's a whole 'nother story.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you my support and sympathy and a virtual (((hug))). I lurk here once in a while and have always relatated to you and your struggles with Mike. My DS, Vaughn is now 5 1/2 and tho we've had good weeks & bad weeks, since moving back to NJ, he's been the worst I've ever seen him. I too have been the worst I've ever seen me. I know how it feels to beat yourself up over our responses to our boys. I do it every night. I've been a stay at home mom since Vaughn was born. Before that, I had a great career in advertising. I loved work but loved being a mom more than anything. But like everyone else here, I've been struggling with my son's AS since he was 2. I'm feeling like I'm just tired of being his punching bag.
I mean, he's 5 now, tall for his age, aggressive both verbally and physically and let's face it, it's just not cute anymore. I'm feeling empty and sad, and I feel like fighting back sometimes. I think I'm just human. I lay in bed as I'm sure you do everynight and rehash the day like a football film and think, I shoulda done this, I shoulda done that.
I feel every night like, oh boy, I really wrecked his self esteem this time.
This week I have 3 appointments, tomorrow we go to the neuro ped who dx'd him 2 years ago for suggestions. Possibly some medication strategies. I don't know yet, just getting my options in order. Wednesday DH and I visit our RDI consultant for our first visit and Thursday I meet with the school about options there (I feel they are the ones really responsible for his deteriouration) I may possibly pull him out and homeschool or try a special school with less children per teacher (he's mainstream kindergarten now with 21 other kids!).
Anyway, sorry I'm off on a tangent and a little late to post to you but I wanted to know you are NOT a bad mom. You're human and a lot stronger than me (I have only one kid and I'm falling apart). You are not alone.
I told my son one day that when I was a teenager I told my mom "I HATE you!" and she said "Oh yeah, I HATE you TOO" and it really struck me that hey, she has feelings too. He liked the story because he feels he's such a terrible kids and likes to hear when I've messed up too!
Take care.
Shelley in NJ (again)