Un-dx'ed PDD Dh - vent
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| Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:38pm |
Well, today I have so had it with DH. We've been together so many years. I do not know how he survived his childhood, but this man is so spectrum. Not that I have no spectrum characteristics, but MAN! He just falls apart so often, can't read social cues and has such low self-esteem. Rather than tantrum. he just disappeaars down a black hole. Right now he is so angry with his boss, but is imploding, unable/unwilling to have it out with the man (who deserves a giant kick in the rear and is so taking advantage of DH) because direct confrontation is WAY too threatening, so he is at the moment almost non-functioal with withholding his rage, sucking it all in, SO depressed. I do understand that the size of his anger is such that he feels he has to retreat in order to handle it, but his system is so not working! This is just not occasional anymore. And why does our household even operate? Because I just manage everything. I am fed up.
Don't get me wrong, he does contribute. He brings in a very good living, he runs Malcolm to therapies and works with him on sports and school projects and does many more household chores than me, he is the world's best playmate and guru to Malcolm and all Malcolm's video-gaming crowd of pals, he is loving and funny and the kindest soul on earth. Not to mention he is gorgeous and generous and very sexy. And right this minute, I just CAN'T STAND HIM!
We are supposed to leave for our little PA vacation house for a 3 day break. We never go because he can't manage his schedule. He hasn't slept in days and days with working around the clock and anxiety, he can barely speak with level of depression today, I am so not looking forward to 3 days with him and ds. He is unwilling to go back into therapy or consider anti-depressants or even a regular exercise program or eating meals. I am so tired. There will be no kids to play with out there and if dh is too wiped out, guess who provides everything, entertainment, scheduling, food, etc. Break? What break? And it took alot of effort on my part to clear these 3 days, canceling classes, moving around therapies. Damn.
I don't really want to get a divorce, I do love him and all, and Malcolm would be devastated without him. Could I have a second husband so I could just let this one go crawl in a hole periodically? That's illegal? Sigh.
Sara
ilovemalcolm

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Sara,
I am so sorry. That is so frustrating. I hope the 3 days brings him out of it enough that he can see that he needs to get some support for this or start the healing process.
Renee
Sara,
You can have mine!!!!
Though you'd just have the same issues in a different shade with a different accent.
I could have written abotu 80% of your post. OMG our DHs could form their own support group.
It is soo hard when they withdraw to that angry enclosed place. Mine doesn't even know he is being a monster. He doesn't understand that there is anger in every footfall, every movement, every look. We can FEEL it. He thinks silence=calm. It may be to many, but not to us -particularly us girls. He thinks he is being KIND by not exploding, whereas I think it is better to purge in a short time than to disappate anger over weeks.
UGH I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I so relate. I suppose spiking his coffee with barbituates is out of the question?
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
((((SARA))))
You could have mine, but you wouldn't be getting any relief! I could have written your post a week ago. I swear my DH has PMS most of the time, and it's very similar to what you wrote. I have pushed him to blow-up often (he has a bit of that explosive AS thing going on), but he hates that as it often scares me and he hates to feel out of control. He's much too manly to ever see a therapist and meds are never his thing. *sigh*
I hope your 3 days away are at least therapudic for him!
Betsy
((HUGS)) Sara! Your hubbie sounds like my older son's dad.....my ex....needless to say why he is my ex.....not telling you to divorce your hubbie.....there were a whole host of other issues that could not be resolved.....his refusal to vent and hold everything in was only one. It is terribly frustrating and exhausting.....as if you don't have enough on your plate.
Did you ever watch the new HBO series Big Love? I can see the advantages of having sister-wives......let one of the other wives deal with him on days like these.
((HUGS))
Christie
Dear everyone,
Thanks for your lovely words of support. Yes, 3 days away and some arguing and chilling has been good. We couldn't access email from the cabin 'cuz he forgot the password he set up for his clever way cheap to access from the mountain house, lol, so we just got back and I can go online now. It's quiet and beatiful up at the little house, very wonderful to go there, also the swimming and biking etc. Malcolm loves it up there, but as we haven't really made any kid friends there, we have to import and his pals are not always available, gotta work on finding a pal or 2 up there. Anyone here live near East Stroudsburg, PA?
Anyways, dh IS doing better today, plus he worked on some immediate solutions to the huge list of towering stresses hanging over him and THAT is always better than the doom and gloom of being a constant imploding failure.... hohum... I also push him sometimes to blow up, because the storm and following calm is such a relief from the constantly threatening thunder clouds!!!! Paula, I know those angry footfalls, yes, I do!!! And he also hates that I push for fights sometimes, but I have told him to deal unless he wants to be served divorce papers, 'cuz if I do push, I am WAY over my limit on the Silence = Dread (NOT Calm) thing. He has acknowledged and acknowledged that he needs to get some help (again, he DID 5 years of therapy before I met him, or -- I assure you --- we would not be married still...). So there is always hope, and he does see his patterns. After the fact. And even once in awhile, during... He really sees himself in Malcolm, so as Malcolm is learning more and more about controlling and rerouting his big anger, I know dh is impressed!
Yeah, sister-wives. I have a few girlfriends who might actually volunteer, my girlfriends have always been pretty approving of dh since we first started dating. Even my picky cat loved him from the very first...
I always threaten him that I'm going to sneak up on him with a baseball bat, but barbituates would maybe be snaekier and kinder at the same time, not to mention no cleaning bill. I'll have to take that one under consideration.
Thanks again, everyone, feels good to unload.
Sara
I am glad you had a good weekend.
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Sara,
I was only suggesting enough barbituates to send him "sleepy byes" for a few hours (like maybe 24...)
Oh yes. I can just hear that that 3am phone call: "Paula? Good. OK I offed him with sleeping pills. Now. You have a truck, right? I need you to help me dispose of the body."
As much as I love you m'dear. I'm hanging up on that one. "Crank call!!! Crank call!!!"
(though I've been in fits of giggles picturing little ol you and me trying to carry your DH down the back stairs of a Manhattan apt building...)
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Dear lord girls,
Now there is a site. I have just figured out how to convert my camcorder movies to DVD so I will come out and record for you all and we will send it to america's most wanted or somethng of the sort.
Sara, glad the weekend went well. That sounds fun. WOuld like to say we have a place out there but it is cold! Come to california and we can visit here!
Renee
Dear Paula,
Well, I actually do mean for him to SLEEP for 24 hours when I am talking about the baseball bat, as he gets in these tizzies where he doesn't sleep hardly at all for weeks and weeks and starts slightly frothing at the mouth, KWIM. BUT getting you snorting and giggling gives me great pleasure as well, AND we really are in one of the Manhattan apts with no elevator and a steep rear grated fire escape, so lugging dh down just the 2 of us would be quite an escapade! He is not a small man, lucky for us I lift lots of weights!!!
Renee, it was HOT out there - hi 80s - this weekend and yet pleasantly cool for sleeping in the evening, no AC needed very often in the PA mountains. Pack up all 4 of those kids and come visit, no, really, you'd be welcome... But a CA trip is somewhere in our future, we have important people to visit in both LA and SF, just don't know when.
Paula? Stick those kids in a car and come to mountains for a weekend? Bring your kids by, Tina, Malcolm does like younger kids! He likes to play big brother. We can all go swimming at the communities pools.
Hey, everyone is welcome, although the little house only has 3 bedrooms and a loft area with a pullout couch. AND if everyone shows up at once, DH's eyes will immediately start crossing... No just showing up, must call first!!
Sara
Sara,
On a more serious note:
Thank you for this post. It inspired me to have a quiet word with DH in a time of no conflict, and he agreed to start seeing a therapist.
HURRAY!!
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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