Views on making allowances?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Views on making allowances?
4
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 8:47am

I am struggling with this and I wanted to solicit some views/opinions/experiences from y'all.


Euan

"My definition of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"


Follow my blog on http://mumsnet.com/blogs/kirsteinr/


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:49am

Kirsty,

This is a tricky one, because as moms, we (mostly) know when and how hard to push our kids, whereas coaches and camp leaders don't know the child so well, and to push too hard or in the wrong was would be to risk a meltdown.

Mom can read the signs of stress and impending meltdown like we can read our own name and we know when to back off. Indeed some of that we "know" is literally encoded in our DNA: I remember rounding on a doctor when Peter was 6 mos old: "Stop. you are hurting him! Can't you see he is laughing?" I forgot that most people outside of my family don't have the "laugh when it hurts" gene. In the same manner, DH nearly took my head off when Peter, 5 days old was sneezing and I didn't cover his eyes! Yes, he also has the "sneeze in bright sunlight" gene from DH's side of the family.

So although I know what you are saying, I think that unless you can really train someone to read Euan's "signs" to a level of confidence in all parties concerned, you may just have to let most of the "allowances" go.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 1:23pm

Letting 'allowances' go to a certain extent is okay.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 4:07pm

I agree with the others. I'm constantly second-guessing myself, but I'm trying to figure out the balance between hard-but-worth-pushing and hard-but-NOT-worth-pushing.

My guess is that your ds scout group's "torch game" is similar to a "snipe" hunt which I'd see no reason to compel him to participate in. It's just meant to be a fun game and of no real value for him to engage in when he finds it so stressful. I personally find games like that unpleasant, and I'm not AS. I can only imagine how much more distasteful they'd be for an AS child.

Part of my guide for pushing my kids is whether I just want the kids to do it because *I* think it ought to be fun for them, or whether it's actually an important educational/life experience that would be valuable for them learn. I also gauge the child's actual level of terror. So, even if something is really a valuable experience (learning to swim) but the child is intensely terrified, I don't push as hard 'cus I'll just make the fears worse.

So, for instance, even tho' my then-8yo AS ds loudly protested learning to swim, I knew that he'd previously enjoyed time in the pool and had just forgotten how much he liked it. Literally every day for a couple of weeks I had to physically insert him into the pool, pry his fingers off the edge, and compel him to swim a lap. By the end of the lap, he'd realize it wasn't so bad, and he'd voluntarily keep practicing. I knew that with ds, his terror level wasn't significant, this was a good skill for him to learn, and it was great exercise, so I made him do it (the coach was awesome -- he'd push ds but not overwhelm him).

I had to force my 13yo AS dd to learn to swim, too. The past two years I made her be on the neighborhood swim team (she was too advanced for lessons, but not really good enough to be on the team; however, being on the team gave her daily swim practice/lessons). She's begged me to not make her be on the team again this year. Although I'd like dd to continue on the team since the lessons, practice, and exercise would be really good for her, she IS a very poor swimmer, and it's terribly embarrassing for her, esp now that she's had a birthday and would be with the older kids. So, as much as I'd like her to be on the team, I think the stress of it legitimately outweighs the benefits to her (and potential social injury), so I'm not pushing her to be on the team.

Although you and I might have benefited from being compelled to engage in activities we didn't enjoy as kids, I think for many AS kids, that's what everyday life is like, so they're already growing through their everyday experiences.

I don't think my kids consciously use their diagnosis to get out of doing stuff, but I think they DO often view far more stuff as not doable merely because they're programmed to get stressed out over new situations. I guess you kinda have to evaluate each situation and make your best guess.

Good luck (and sorry for such a long response).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 5:46pm
I can relate to your story because my 9 yr old Aspie has joined Cub scouts this year too. Fortunately the pack leaders are a couple of easy going guys and they never treat him any different than the other kids. They actually go out of their way to show him that he can do alot of things the other boys do. I was worried that he would have difficulty with knot ties, 3 mile hikes and all the other stuff they tried to cram into Thanksgiving weekend. Other than not sleeping over at the local camp site (more for my husband than for him) he did everything the other boys did and loved it. He was actually the first one to master the square knot ( very good at recognizing patterns) and helped some of the other boys. I guess what I'm saying is that he's capable of doing more than even I give him credit for and sometime we should just let them try for themselves. Encourage the den leaders to let him at least try everything and if he then finds it difficult the activity can be modified.