The waffle incident - staying calm

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Registered: 03-27-2003
The waffle incident - staying calm
5
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:45am

Hi all.....

Christines post about manipulation resonates with me and something that happened this morning.

We started therapy for Sam last summer to help him learn to stay calm and use more appropriate behavior when he is upset, angry, scared...etc. (And also because we started meds and I wanted someone keeping an eye on him with us.)

Sam gets upset for many reasons, usually because something happens that he wasn't expecting or that he doesn't like - sometimes they happen at the same time. I'm very understanding about that. We try to minimize surprises, but life happens. His behavior when he gets upset gets way out of hand when he's at home. He *can* hold it together when we're out and at school - though sometimes the whining can push socially aware typical kids far, far away. He has an extememly low tolerance for frustration and is overwhelmed extrememly easily. There is alot of yelling, whining, stomping throughout the day - anything from not getting all the tv time he wants to not being able to get a lego piece to snap in to his liking. I don't give into him; I try to purposefully not help him if he's acting this way. I try my best to not reinforce his outbursts in any way.

We've been trying to get some weight on the boy, so I tried putting butter on one of his waffles. He likes butter on toast but not usually waffles. I decided to go for it but warn him.....oh geeze. Let me also say that before he got the waffles he had been yelling and stomping around because he splashed milk on the table while he was trying to stir the protein powder into it. I ignored it mostly, with a suggestion that perhaps slower more careful stirring would be helpful.....which was met with a loud, "I CAN'T!!!" A common phrase in this house. He wasn't having the waffles, he didn't even chew a bit. It hit his mouth and he headed straight for the trash. There was alot of yelling, he tried again, but didn't chew. More yelling, more stomping. His world was ending, how could I do this to him....etc.

I've really had enough of this. We have tried lots of things to help him learn how to stay calm. He throws the calming cards I made with his calming ideas on them. He has actually said, "If you give me what I want, I'll calm down." I don't think he means it to manipulate me; I think he just gets so upset that he can't have his way and the only solution he can think of too feel calm is to get his way. But he needs to learn to calm down some how......there's no choice here. He can't get thus upset about so much all the time. It's tiring for him and everyone at home.

I decided that he was going to have to take one bite of waffle, chew it, swallow it and if he didn't like it to tell me calmly in a more appropriate way.....oy.....there was quite a bit of yelling. I would not give in though. I felt very sad and stupid that I was choosing this battle. I did a little bit of crying; I told him how hard his father and I have been working to help him learn to stay calm. That it is an important skill to learn. I thought I might be in for a reallly long day, but he actually took a bite, swallowed it and told me that it tasted pretty good (it was a piece w/o butter on it BTW.) Then he calmly told me that he didn't want anymore and we practised the kind of things he could say if he was served something that he really didn't like, "hey, ma - I know you worked hard on this, but I really don't like it.....etc."

I'm not sure how helpful this episode was, but during the outburst, before my ultimatum (which I was painfully aware could blow up in my face very badly) I just knew that if I let him get away with not eating *any* of those waffles I'd be reinforcing the behavior. sigh....why does everything have to be so f'in complicated. I really just can't take all this drama all the time over every.....little......thing

We've been talking about Social Behavior maps on the AANE group I belong to. I think it might be helpful for Sam toconnect this kind of behavior with the very abstract consequences.....even if I tell him a million times that it annoys the heck out of me when he whines, I ignore him, he doesn't really understand how that affects him. The maps are a chart that graphs his behavior with some consequences.....for example if he whines, I feel annoyed so I don't want to play checkers with him....that kind of thing. Sam's just not getting much out of social stories so I really hope this helps. Here's a link to the book about the Maps; I think I'll probably order it http://www.socialthinking.com/default.asp

I know someone here will get this post. And maybe someone with have an idea or some insight too.

thanks for reading this far!

Chrystee

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Registered: 04-11-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:33am
Hi,
I am so sorry you had such an awful morning, I know we have all been there and feel your pain. What I am wondering is if you have tried a weighted vest or something else weighted. In my house these things work great for bringing the boys down. You can make your own in a pinch, take a backpack and load it up with as much weight as he can handle and have him wear it. My oldest has to sleep with a weighted blanket, but I have noticed that his mornings are much better now. Just a suggestion, and I hope it gets better.
Carey
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Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:47pm

As the school opening day is nearing, I am seeing a lot of negativities in my son. My son goes to the social skill therapy at Michelle Garcia. I picked up the book this Tuesday and it is very good. Now we have to work with him. The therapy session is initself very good. Since there were over whelming kids returning back, we are wait listed for fall (hope to hear from them soon).

take care,
Anandhi

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 7:57am

Wow Chrystee! I applaud you for sticking to your guns, but I don't think I could have gone so far as to make him eat it (but we have issues w/ throwing up here and I'm a little shy about pushing it). I think you're right about not rewarding the negative behavior. Thanks for the link to the Social thinking website, lots to look and and think about. We may see if we can get Weston's resource teacher to use some of these.

Betsy

Avatar for njbeachma
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Registered: 08-22-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:07am

I am going to look into this book as well. It's funny this concept was brought up here. Last week DS was at the beach with me. We were headed toward the snack shack for an ice cream and were walking past the dunes. You are not allowed to walk on the dunes here in NJ and they are fenced off with low fences. DS says he wants to walk on the dunes, I tell him it's against the rules (which he knows) he says he doesn't care. I say, "are you testing me?", he says "yes". I say, "where are we going?". He says "to get an ice cream". I say "when you test me, how do I feel?", he says "mad?", I say "Right!". I say "Do I like to buy you ice cream when I'm mad?", he says "no! I'm sorry Mom!".

I never did this before, it was kind've tongue in cheek but it was neat to see how he "mapped" it verbally. He's very visual, so that would work even better! THanks for the link.

Shelley

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Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:08am

Well let me tell you guys about the extreme side about my son. He is very very rigid about what he eats. This has been since he was 4 months old and I couldn't get him to eat anything. He is now 11. He still eats nothing unless it's the same thing.

I even found a video the other day on his reaction to baby food. LOL It was cute but explained all of his behavoirs from the get go.

Since he started table food it had to be the same thing over and over again. When he was 1 it was bolongi, Shredded (HAD to be shredded) parmasean cheese and cut up grapes. The same thing over and over again. Drove me nuts, but that was the only thing to get him to eat.

He still does the same things with eating. He will go into a pancake fix (like he is into now), and then change into the plain hamburger fix, or the milkshake fix ect ect ect.

He will get into the tortillas and butter fix, or pickle and whipped cream fix (eww) lol. SOmetimes he gets into the steak fixes and that makes me so happy for meat and protein.... If you asked him what he really wanted it would of course be crab and lobster...... UHG very expensive but we do buy it from time to time because the whole family like's it.... but it's hard to explain that we can't always buy it as much as we want too.
He will eat fruit periodically as long as I don't stress the fruit... He eats only raw carrots for veggies.

If I had stuck a pat of butter on his waffles/and or pancakes or anyting else that changed things, or he didn't expect, he would of flipped out and refused like your son, and would of followed with a meltdown.

IMO keep things the same for him. Find other things that will get fat on him. Sneak it.

There's things like ensure and carnation instant breakfast added to milk (son loved that one). Contact a nutritionist and see how else you can get fat on him...