Warning...Long Pityfest

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Warning...Long Pityfest
23
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:08am

I am at the lowest point I've been in years, and for somebody who hates the "poor, poor, pitiful me" mentality, I realize that I'm way beyond that point.

I wish it was just the autism factor, but it's so much more than that. I'm miserable living in this town, I'm sick of my in-laws showing such blantant favoritism towards SIL's kids, and I'm tired of of my "Fabulous DH" not having the guts to stand up for himself and our family. (Recent huge problems at his job.)

I think the lowest moment came on Friday night. It was my birthday and I had made plans to go scrapbooking. (The only outside activity in my life.) These women are the closest things to friends I have, but we don't see each other outside of scrapbooking and that only occurs 1-2x's/per month. Well perhaps I should qualify that. THEY all see each other (they have a Bunco group, etc.), but I'm not included in any of the other activities. In my warped mind, I thought they'd do the "semi-party" that they do for every other birthday. Typically somebody brings a cake, and everybody brings cards, etc. Evidently I didn't rate high enough because even though they all knew it was a my birthday, only one of them managed to acknowledge it.

I'm also painfully jealous of my mom and two sisters right now. Last week mom and my oldest sister made plans to fly to Colorado to see my other sister. For years we've talked about "all four of us" doing something together/traveling somewhere...which is something we've never done. But I was conveniently left out of the equation. I'm very hurt, especially since mom is 73 now. It's not like there's going to be many more opportunities.

Yesterday (after DH and I had a blow-out) I spent the day in bed, and it's looking like that's where I'll end up today. I just don't think I can face another day of having no friends, no job, no money and no hope. Being "autism mom" 24/7/365 is bad enough...but with everything else...I don't even know if I can properly express myself anymore, so I won't bother trying.

To top it all off, I read in the paper that the district's autism consultant passed away on Saturday. She'd been very sick with cancer. She did the best she could, considering how pathetic this district is, and she was a wonderful, kind woman. Noah loved her.

I worked so hard to get off the anti-depressants so we could have another baby. Perhaps it's time to give up that dream and go back on the meds.
Sorry ladies...

-Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:43pm

It is not time to give up the dream yet. It was a lousy birthday and that isn't your fault and you are allowed to feel sad about it. Keep focused on getting ready to move, trying for a next baby and new adventures. Make sure to take time for yourself for something fun.

Heck, I will set up a daily or weekly time to chat with you over a cup of coffee or glass of wine. We can call it a girls date and invite other boardies as well. We can do yahoo or the ivillage chat. Either one. Sometimes a cup of coffee with my friends is what I need. We can talk over the rhine or dream vacations or whatever.

I wish there was more I could offer. There is phone, email, internet or you could always move to southern cali. We need bunco buddies!

BTW, I had many of these same complaints. My therapist had a good point. Often I tend to do alot for others but don't let them close or even suggest there maybe something they can do for me. Well, when this is the case we are easily forgotten until there is something that someone needs. It is a personality thing. It isn't that others don't care they just figure we are the caretakers and so it ends up our role and we can get forgotten. You hit me as similar in that regard. That and it hard to get close to people when our families are "different" kwim? Maybe they are too cautious around us like they are going to say something wrong, etc.

Anyway, hope today is a better day.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:37am

Amy,

First of All....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I am experiencing the exact same emotions you just wrote about. In fact, I just posted my own pitty-party story on the ASD board yesterday. Now I read your post and I just admire your strength. You have more than you think you do.

Being "Autism Mom" is so frustrating and isolating. People say that they understand, but do they really? I'm sorry to hear about your mom and sisters. I can't offer any real advice on this except to maybe express your disappointment to them. IMHO, the scrapbooking ladies don't seem to be worthy of being concidered as friends. Maybe try to find another scrapbooking group or activity just for yourself.

I know all about going off meds. Maybe you should concider going back on them for a while. I know I can't function without them right now. These feelings will pass or at least get more manageable, I promise.

In the meantime...BIG HUGS.

Dizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:50am

((((AMY)))))

Hugs and Happy belated Birthday.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. I've sure been there with no friends. I finally made a couple real friends this yr. I found a couple other Mom's with sprectrum kids through a support group. It was hard for me but I mustered up the courage to reach out to them. I started asking them to do stuff outside of the monthly support group meeting. We now go out with one of the couples on a date once a month! And yesterday I called the other Mom and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk after dinner. I finally am making real friends! Its made such a difference in my outlook on life. My point is as hard as it is when your feeling low, try to reach out to someone. Unfourntuately if you wait for them it often doesn't happen.

I hope your feeling better soon.
Samantha

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:17am

Hugs to you Amy, I know how you feel. I'm finally getting around to posting, but I've been thinking of you.

I think what Renee wrote about being a caregiver type is my case and maybe yours too. People just figure we have it all together, when really we don't. Lately I've started to try doing nice things for myself, with the sort of chip on my shoulder, I guess. I figured, if they won't do it for me, I'll be nice to myself. I actually went for a pedicure, which seems like a total luxury, and it did help! Made me feel like a "girl" again!

And I have had a problem with keeping friends too and like Samantha said, I finally have a few new real life friend I met with ASD kids. They help and right now are the only ones in my real life who understand.

DH and I finally figured out that if we can't always squeeze in date night, though we try, we've invented "date lunch" when Eric is in school.

But just so you know you are not alone, over spring break I had a total, embarrassing, screaming meltdown in front of the complete in-law family. Eric had an issue at a family gathering in a restaurant. Keith intercepted and took Eric away before the full melt down ensued. BIL said, "why can't Eric just calm down?" And I lost it and had a worse melt-down than Eric would ever have had. I was spewing all kind of stupid stuff, but in retrospect, though embarrassing, I think it showed them all what a pressure cooker our lives can be. The sad part is, though, nobody called to see if I was ok, though MIL did offer to babysit so DH and I could go out, which she doesn't do often, so maybe we did hit a chord.

Anway, didn't mean to join the pity party too, but you are not alone. We all love you.

Hugs again,
Katherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:38am

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It's so scary to imagine what my life would be without this board. I wish I could say that with the "new day" came a "better outlook" but...

I'm going to spend the next several days trying to get a grip on what is at the root of all that I'm feeling. Please don't worry about me if I go "silent" for a while.

Again, thank you all~

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:05pm

I e-mailed Amy separately. I started the "lovefest" thread below, to help us to feel good, and I wasn't going to chime in on this thread but now I can't not.


-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:52pm

I can understand how every body feels. We are the ones constantly going to the IEPs. Making sure thinsg are getting done.
Trying to turn the light bulbs on on our DHs heads sometimes that sometimes our kids and the world just don't get it.

There are times I feel just as Aspie as my kid. And there are times where my light bulb goes on that I may very well be. I get way overly focused on things. I remmeber being a reader when I was a kid. And when I found a subject that interested me or a topic I would just try to read everything I could find about that topic. My thing was biograpghies. Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller etc. I had difficulties making friends and I still do.
I would get easily frustated.

And now with Josh I feel very awkward sometimes about him. I don't hid the fact he has Asperger's. But yet I can see things that truly bother me and it can be drepressing. We were at scouts last night and Josh would mingle with the other kids but many times he would just go off on his own into his own world. I can see how Josh can be gulible at times. But I also see a kid who will when he wants something he does not give up. He will haunt you till the cows come home till he gets what he wants. He is a kid who does not always dwell in the past. He tends to move on quickly. He is eager to please. He is polite and very rule regimented. But he does laugh and he is not the person to pick on other kids. He is usually good natured to everybody. And he thinks it is his job to keep them on the staight and narrow. He has a hard time with grey as comapred to the black and white of issues, but yet he has learned to survive the grey.

I think sometimes though we do get so wrapped up in our families lives(and I don't thik it is a strictly ASD MOM issuse) And as Moms we all forget about ourselves in the equation.

Last week was our run for Murphy's law. We got our tax refund that was ear marked for some good things.. Till my car threw up a spark plug, the washing machine died and then my car killed something in the heating system. Spring vacation ran over a little to long for us. And Josh is now totally on Strattera and no Focalin so not sure if it is helping or not.

I have learned that yes my job is a saving grace because it is a way for me to do something outside the family but as a nurse there is that issue of taking care of others so then that is a shift of that. But then I bowl and go to the gym but then life takes over and I don't get to do that.LOL.

I have been in and out of counseling( I call them tune ups) but when your insurance does not cover mental health it is hard to keep up with that because the money is needed else where. There are many days where just stayuing in bed with the covers drawn is my cup of tea. And sometimes I do allow myself a day esp after a long week.

I would love to do chat more often but life is getting in the way there. I would love to figure out a way to set up a local support group which allows for venting about life and not just what the school is and is not doing for my kid. I would like to know if what he is doing is well normal or not for the issues he has. Sometimes he comes off as way more aspie on some days than others. And on those other days you wonder if it is all a dream till the next minute the kid proves you wrong.

By the way Josh hates the Happy Birthday song too.

Rina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:10pm
I'm so sorry you're feeling poorly right now. I also know there's probably very little I can say to change anything, but I wanted you to know that there's yet another person out here who does FULLY understand and cares. Each of your challenges is very real and valid, and when they're all together, each one becomes more compounded. I think there's a lot of validity to what someone else said about how you get seen as the care provider but no one ever thinks about caring for the care provider. I hope you're able to get some of the TLC you deserve, even if you have to provide it for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 1:12am

Ya know Paula,

I would really love to do a retreat like the DD boad does. I am going on that one (with some folks from the Seizure board) but who I'd really like to be retreating with is you all here. There are some folks over there I really love and adore but they just still can't quite get life as an Aspie/ASD mom. I feel closer to you all than probably anyone else ever, so there ya have it. That's what I would like. Plus you all wouldn't threaten me with hugs, massages and all that tactile stuff! ROFL

I like the idea of a buddy system or something too. I think the chats have really helped this board in that we are able to get together in real time if not in real life.

I also had fun that year Candes was cl and we did that christmas stuff. I STILL use my wine stoppers Sio sent me, lol. And not only at christmas! (Only gal around with a reindeer on her wine in july)

I wish I was rich. There are so many people I would like to actually meet. But then again it would kill me to only see you temporarily. I had a grand time when Debbie was out.

So there ya have it.

ANd AMY!!!! I want to meet you. We have GOT to figure a way!

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:19am

I'M ALL FOR IT!

It's bittersweet that so many of us need something like this, but in reading all of the other posts, it's obvious that we do. I'd love to have a "buddy", and I'd love to do the exchange.

I'd also love an opportunity to meet any and all of you. I know we've talked about this many times over the years, so perhaps it's time to figure out a way to make it happen? HOWEVER, I'm not saying that our CL's need to be in charge of the arrangements...I think anybody who is willing and able to do it, could be the mastermind(s).

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games