Was this just mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Was this just mean?
6
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:18pm

Mommy guilt is raring it's ugly head again. I'm really good at learning from my mistakes, but having a hard time figuring out if I made one.

I wanted a blizzard, I've wanted one for over a week. So tonight I decided we (Emma and I) should go to DQ. So we get ready (with much prompting) and go. She's excited and really wants ice cream. We get there and she's indecisive, which is understandable with the short notice. She's very distracted while there and having a hard time focusing on making up her mind. Again, understandable. We finally make up our minds and get in line to wait. She begins acting up in line. Nothing big, but still not appropriate. I redirect three times, and throw down a threat. act up again and we'll leave. She acts up again and I follow through. We leave, kicking and screaming. I get her in the car and we have a 20 minute fit getting buckled. Hair pulling, hitting, biting, screaming, all the tactics.

So, was I over stern, expecting better behavior than possible at 7pm at the ice cream shop? Or did I do what was needed to set the limit?

I'm having a hard time figuring out how much leeway do I give her. I don't want to treat her special, but I don't want to set expecations so high she quits trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 11:37pm
Ok, not a lot of advice here but, I don't think you were mean, just a mom. The only thing I have to add is, as a rule, I don't give out punishments that mean I get punished as well. You went there to get a blizzard. Did you get it? You punished yourself for your dd's behavior. How is that fair? You didn't do anything wrong. For my ds I would have said "knock it off, you need to get a grip, if you can't get it together than I guess when we get home I will have to put away your gameboy for all of tomorrow. If you throw a fit all day tomorrow because you lost your gameboy, than you will lose it the next day too." That is like cutting off his right arm. It usually keeps hime from having TOO many meltdowns if he does lose it, and usually is enough incentive to try very hard to keep it together. I know it isn't a logical consequence, but since when have our kids been logical? hehehe
Carey
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 2:37am

I agree with Carey. I read your post and thought about this all day. WWID?

Being mean is subjective. I don't know how your dd was in line ( I have been very stressed in lines with my boys myself).

My youngest son flipped out a few weeks ago and grabbed my hair one day in line while buying ciggs. Bad I know, Ice Cream is better than cigs lol.

But I knew that he would flip out in the store (sensory issue's, OCD stuff, waiting) so I expected to see some problems. But I didn't expect the hair pulling thing.

I pryed his hands from my hair (while haveing many employees's walk up and show their shock and disgust) and I just calmly explained that my son had a neurological problem.

But once the transaction was finished and I got his fingers out of my hair I started walking (as my son is screaming about something at the top of his lunges) and I kept saying Nic, follow me, I can't leave without you, You need to come with me, I love you, I can't leave without you but we need to get in the car....

He did follow me screaming to the car and he kicked the shifter all the way home (thank god we lived close by), but you know, this was something he couldn't handle.

But the main point of going to the store with me, was his highlight of spending his quarters in the machine's going out of the store. Obviously we couldn't do it, because he was out of control. He kept screaming "I couldn't spend my quarters at the store". I just kept saying, "Nic, why do you think you couldn't spend your quarter's at the store?" I said that over and over again....

I think he got it (I hope).

Are you mean.... NO. Are you a parent that loves your child and has to react to what is happening? Yes.

Don't be so hard on yourself sweetie.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 8:14am

Yes, and after all, you are human. You want to teach your dd how to behave when waiting in lines and you want to keep your word and follow through, also situations like that are so stressful on us!!! So I do also advise you to go easy on yourself. You certainly were not being mean, just a normal person who wanted a Blizzard and ended up with a very hard time for both of you.

The entire situation is hard, starting from it being later in the evening, I'm guessing hot outside? Also, as previous poster said, we don't know how she was behaving. But IMO if she couldn't calm her line behavior down when informed she might not get ice cream, there was probably something sensory going on. I do try to always bring things for my ds to do if there is any chance we are going to have to do much waiting in lines, which is a challenge for him, being in lines are for many ASD kids, also waiting. I bring his MP3 player or gameboy, this works very well. My son doesn't always need something to focus on in order to wait, but bringing those things ensures that we don't run into a problem without offering a solution when he is tired or overstressed by the surroundings.

((((((HUGS))))) to you both. Meltdowns can help us know when and where our kids really struggle and then we can do more teaching in advance and provide supports to even the playing field for them in a world which is hard in them in general. And yet I swear the learning process is maybe harder on the moms than on anyone...

And me, I love drive-throughs!

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:31pm
Believe me, I feel your pain. I struggle with this issue daily.....am I too firm,not firm enough or just right? UGH. It is an excruciatingly difficult issue. I think you did the right thing though. I always tell myself that if DS is acting up out of "disablity" or "typical kid bad behavior" is somewhat irrelevant. It is still my job to apply consequences so that he learns not to misbehave. I mean, I definitely try to be a detective and think carefully about what triggers his behavior and what his behavior communicates to me, but I also think he needs limits. I also always think it is important for my NT DD to see that he gets a consequence for misbehaving. The frustrating thing to me is that if you did that with a NT kid, they would "get it" after one or two episodes of leaving the store. However, my little darling doesn't. :) Parenting is definitely a challenge!
Chrissy
Avatar for njbeachma
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 8:07pm

Hi. I have so been in that position and done the same thing with the same results.

My DS is worse when he is anticipating something good or exciting. Christmas this year was the worst day of my life (another story). What I've learned is while he is calm, in the car on the way I give a short list of about 3 rules, with the ultimatum there. He remembers it better than telling him the rules in the store when hes already over excited. It has helped a little when he knows expectations beforehand.

Good Luck!
Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 9:33pm
All I can say is "Thank the good lord for drive thrus!!". I have been in your situation more times than I can count!! Sometimes, I have to admit, I don't handle it in the best way. But dangit we moms are human! We don't always know the perfect solution in those situation. AND our kids (unfortunately) don't come with directions stamped on their butts on how to raise them! Trial and error. That's what it is with any kid, ASD or NT! Best of luck hon! I think you did just fine! Jen