Well it's official....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Well it's official....
9
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:55pm

My dh got the results from his neuropsych eval. and he was given a dx. of Asperger's. My ds is thrilled!LOL. He and daddy are twins now according to him. Yep. Thank God I've got a sense of humor. :)

My dh recently quit his job of 18 years and seems to be decompensating for lack of a better word. I think the stress of trying to live in an NT world is just too much. He is now, or should I say I'm now in search of a good therapist for him. Does anyone else have a dh w/AS? If you do, does yours rely entirely on you to help him function. My dh doesn't like to really drive anymore. He hates the phone so any appointment he has I make and then keep track of. He hates crowds so when we go out he's literally stuck to me like glue. He has this perpetual deer in the headlights look. I feel so bad for him sometimes. I think he's getting too comfortable with me navigating the world for him. I do all of the talking if we have to for example, go to the bank for a loan. I've negotiated every car purchase, took care of all the paperwork when we bought our house, take ds to all doctor's appointments. It's getting worse as time goes on. The older he gets the less functional he is.

Sorry for this rambling, venty post. I'm feeling a bit outnumbered here at home.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:18am

Jen,

I know all about the 'out numbered' thing! I have three DD's on the spectrum, as well as other close family members. My DH, Craig, is a dx'd Aspie. And your DH sounds a lot like mine.

Craig freezes up when the phone rings, just goes dead still like it's a giant preditor and he's hoping it will pass him by without noticing him. He simply doesn't make phone calls... at all. I make all of the contacts for pretty much everything except his work related stuff. But even then he won't return a work call if they called the house phone instead of the cell phone they provided him as part of his disability accomodations package. The only time I ever saw him answer the house phone was once when my grandmother called and he recognised the caller ID (he's very close to her... she's another Aspie). But that was the only time. He'll pick the phone up and bring it to me so I can push the button and answer it, even if it's his parents.

On the driving my DH is the opposite. Everyone else's driving scares the heck out of him and he insists on always being the one to drive. We've gone on 1,000 mile trips where he wouldn't share the driving with anyone (me, my mom, his dad... doesn't matter, lol).

He calls me his Social Planner because I do all of the planning in the family. I make all of the appointsments, decide when we're going places, who we're going to go see, etc. I've tried for years to get him to give me input on those kinds of things to no avail. That makes me feel lost quite often. He doesn't even want me to be polite and clear any plans with him first. Such as, this last week I wanted to go up to my mom's for the weekend to get some Honey-Dos done and said "I was thinking we should go up to Hippylady's this weekend and put up that fence. Does that sound good to you?" and he replied, "It sounds like a statement followed by a question. Is not bad, is not good, just is." When I gave him the Mr. Spock Look he went on, "I don't even know why you're asking me. You know all this is up to you. I don't want any part of it (the decision making). Just tell me where to drive the posts and what color you want the slats to be."

We've had insidents where his supervisor and have had to work together to deal with some rather emergent issues. Like the time he had a kindey stone and refused to tell anyone he was in such terrible pain. He ended up collapsing at work, and since he works contrucction and is regularly up on a roof it could have been REALLY bad. That time he happened to be down on the ground, and then didn't undterstand why every single boss type person in the company was upset with him. It took the entire week of his doctor ordered medical leave to make him understand why he needs to be up front about things like that. If he doesn't feel comfortable telling me then he needs to tell his suspervisor, and vice versa. Then there was the time a new boss convinced him to sell an air conditioning system to one of our neighbors... thankfully our they like us and didn't include us in the law suit. That 'new boss' was let go pretty quick for violating the ADA since Craig's disabilities accomodations specifically states he "will never be required to perform or be held responsible for sales of services or merchandise on behalf of or by the company".

I have made him do a few things himself though, like go down and get his own checking account without me even being present. In fact, we just had a long talk about how we're in an opposite possition of where typical American couples were 30 years ago. I'm the wife and I'm terrified of what would happen to him if anything ever happened to me (and with my own physical disabilities that's a very real possibility). If it were just him it wouldn't be so bad, but we have 6 kids, 3 still at home. He has no idea how to pay the bills, can't even log into the online banking site (though we've been over it may times). With the exception of the landlord, power, phone, and water he can't name even ONE of our creditors. Tonight he couldn't even recall our family doctor's name. He knows our home phone number as 'speed dial 1' and consistantly forgets his own age (he says that's a sign of how advanced it must be... his age that is, lol).

It's not at all comfortable for him, and it's a lot like having a 7th child for me, but DO make him do stuff for himself whenever he can (even if he thinks he can't). The bank account is one example. And car shopping is usually another good opportunity for that. I'm the car mechanic in the family but salesmen look at me and roll their eyes, so I get to use the excuse "You know men don't take women seriously when they're looking for a car. We'll get better info if you do the talking." Thankfully, when it comes to me Craig is extremely protective and if we're doing something like looking at cars that I might drive he wants striaght answers. Anything regarding my welfare, safety, happiness, etc gets attacked (as long as I point it out to him). If he could he'd wrap me up in cotton, package me in a crate, and store me in the closet. Thankfully, he resists that temptation! LOL.

But basically, you're not alone. There are a few of us who are in the Out Numbered catagory. Personally, I like the saying "Autism... it's not just word, it's an adventure!"

~Candes (who is now passing Jen a mocha latte and a plate of cheese cake)

APOV on Autism

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:47am

My DH falls into the category of "accepts the fact that he's an aspie, but doesn't feel the need/desire to be Dx'd". Luckily for us, my DH functions incredibly well...better than most adult aspies...and I think this is due, in part, to the fact that his mother was not always nice to him when he was a child.

His big thing with the phone is that he won't answer it if he doesn't recognize the number of the person calling. This makes me NUTS! We eliminated our home phone when we went with digital cable/internet, and I won't answer his cell phone. And while he'll answer it if he knows who's on the other end, he always says something like, "Hi. What can I do for you?" As if to imply, "Tell me what you need so I can eliminate your voice as quickly as possible." His mother does this as well...and I simply HATE it. Perhaps I'm just calling to tell her something fabulous about her grandchildren, you know?

When we first met, he had the lowest self-esteem of any human I'd ever encountered. Over the years, particularly since he realized he was on the spectrum, he's worked very hard to become more social. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we have tons of friends or a social calendar that's full of invitations. But he has managed to befriend the neighbor across the street, and they play golf together a lot. His closest friend also happens to be part owner of the company that he works for...but I often consider that a more harm than good situation. It is not uncommon for him to say, "I simply don't like people." Well, as time has passed I've realized that most people really p*ss me off too! LOL

Being outnumbered has it's advantages...our only NT child and I get to be the puppet-masters, and we share a lot of private laughs! Like when we're all in the living room reading and daddy's leg is in its state of constant motion, Noah is playing with his fingers and Claire runs into the room and starts scripting loudly. The other three find nothing humourous about the moment...but Emma and I just look at each other and giggle.

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:20pm

Thanks guys. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out here with a dh like mine. Candes, your dh sounds soooo much like Bill. I'm really worried that if something happens to me too he won't know how to exist. As he's gotten older, it's getting worse. As I said, he recently left his job and now rather likes being at home. He doesn't have to deal with people or the nt world. The only problem with this is that I can't support us soley on my income. I don't think he'd qualify for disability either as he's too high functioning. We're working on trying to find a job that wouldn't stress him too much as his job becomes his whole focus in life. He can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time so when he's working it's ALL about his work which drives me nuts. I can so relate to the phone thing too Amy. Bill will answer the phone sounding like his best friend has just died. He give a one word answer and then its just silence. And this is when I can get him to answer the phone. He seems to be just falling apart. I need to find him a therapist ASAP. On top of all this my mom lives with us. She's 56, widowed, and incredibly dependant upon me as well. I joke that dh and mom are like my 2nd and 3rd kids. LOL. I love the puppetmaster comment! Thanks again for the support. I think we need a dh folder here : )

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:34pm

Jen,
My dh has Asperger's...and so do I. That's how we met- on an Asperger website eight years ago. Neither of us needs outside help to be taken care of. We take care of each other. I keep an eye on finances, and he helps me socially. We are doing fine, tyvm.

My DH works just fine. I am looking for work, but have worked in the past in education (see my previous post "In praise of teachers' unions").

Asperger's is not a death sentence. People with it can function just fine. I have a master's degree, and earned my B.A. before I was even diagnosed. My mother raised me like she raised any other child, and so did my DH's mother raise him. We may not be perfect at many things in life, but there are many things we can do, including blend in. We don't need a lot of special treatment. Many of us have vast intellects that need stimulating. Let's concentrate on that!

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:42pm

Hi Beth,
I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to imply that people with AS can't or don't function as I know that there all levels of ability and function. I've been with my husband for 20 years and I'm speaking only about him and his issues. For the most part he is very high-fuctioning but at the moment he is not doing well at all. My ds on the other hand, who also has AS, is doing beautifully. I hope you didn't take offense at my post. I was just venting on my particular situation and was by no means making a broad statemnt regarding all people with AS. Just my dh. I was looking for support from those who are perhaps in a similar situation as me. Again, if I offended you it was definitely not my intention.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:23pm

Hey Jen~

Please don't worry about your post. There was nothing even remotely offensive in it. If somebody did happen to take offense to it (and I'm not saying anybody did), that's their problem, not yours. You are certainly not alone in the way you feel, and since we all know that AS manifests itself differently with each individual your concerns about your DH were perfectly reasonable.

I think it's important to mention that this message board falls under the "Pregnancy and Parenting" section of the iVillage community. Therefore, most of the people who frequent it are (although not exclusively) moms of spectrum kiddos. As we share our experiences, seek advice and support one another, it is inevitable that our spouses will come up in conversation. Similarly, as parents who are dealing with the numerous faults in the education system, it's inevitable that we will be venting about the way educators address the needs of our children.

So, if an individual chooses to take offense when these matters come up, then perhaps they'd be better served seeking support from a different board.

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:35pm

Thanks Amy. : )

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:10pm

Dh is un-dx AS (during the kids' recent diagnostic testing, the various doctors kept making comments about dh probably being AS). We jokingly call ds "junior" because he's so much like dh in every way: his appearance, behaviors, mannerisms, photographic memory except for their inability to remember to zip up their pants after using the toilet, etc! Dd is also VERY similar, but since she's a different gender, we don't compare them as much.

Dh doesn't depend on me to function in NT world, but he definitely needs guidance to be a better performer. He scores as "genius" on IQ tests, but he has very little logical thought processing ability. If something breaks, he leaves it broken or buys a new one. It never occurs to him that some things can be repaired simply even tho' we go through this time and again. He doesn't notice things that need attention (spilled food dripping off the table, for instance). If he does notice problems, he doesn't know how to solve them (when dd was toddler, he saw her floating face down in the swimming pool but couldn't figure out how to pick her up). He's constantly breaking/damaging stuff because he can't figure out -- or doesn't care -- how to use them correctly (won't adjust the height of the lawnmower, for instance, so ruined 3 in 3 yrs; cut 2 extension cords while using an electric hedge trimmer 'cus he doesn't notice the bright orange cord dangling next to him). If he tries to open a door but the door jams, he'll apply pressure and force the door open rather than stopping to see whether there's something blocking the door that needs to be moved since it doesn't occur to him. He goes through the mechanics of showering, brushing teeth, etc. since he knows you're supposed to do those things, but since poor hygiene doesn't bother him, he doesn't particularly notice whether he's done a good job or not in cleaning himself. Every time I was in the hospital having a baby, I'd have to remind him to feed the other children at home, but even then he'd forget 'tho he'd feed himself. He's easily intimidated by co-workers, bosses, & our preschooler. He gets pretty stressed out at work because of having to deal with so many people, esp high stress and/or neurotic folk. He grew up being treated fairly poorly, so has somewhat low self-esteem, but he goes back and forth in thinking he's the scum of the earth to thinking he's the greatest thing to have ever been born. He lies up a storm if I ask him a question he's embarrassed to answer (took money from the bank, for instance, without letting me know to write it down), but he's honest to a fault in other situations (if he gets pulled over for speeding, he'll also point out any other faults such as a broken headlight). I don't schedule dh appts because he never remembers them even if I tell him a million times. I have to wait until dh really wants an appt, then he schedules it, remembers it, and goes. Since he's oblivious about many of his challenges, he's not as bothered by them which is good for his mental health but challenging for mine!

I do often worry about what would happen if I died. I think dh would survive himself, but the kids would end up accidentally neglected. The dog and cat would probably starve to death and die in a pile of their own poop since no one would clean up behind them. I recently printed up a bunch of daily routines lists (morning routine, after school routine, bedtime routine, etc) that I posted in the hallway. It's partly to help the kids with their responsibilities, but I figure it's also a good back up in case anything happens to me, the kids/dh can read through the list to figure out that they need to pack a lunch before school, feed the dog, etc.

I'm going to have to learn from you all to have better humor about all this. I just find myself aggravated a lot. We did have one funny moment this morning, though, as I was driving dh to the train, and I made some comment about the need for compulsive family members to correct things. Without thinking, dh said, "you mean 'obsessive-compulsive'." It didn't even dawn on him what he'd done until I pointed it out. We both chuckled about that one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 4:06pm

Your conversation in the car made me chuckle. We've had several like that. My ds resembles my husband too. Right down to the way he walks and how his little arms hang.LOL. My dh sometimes forgets to feed ds as well because he (dh) was not hungry. When he was little I'd make sure to give dh very concrete instructions. He's very visual so notes help him. Dh is very bright as well and when he is comfortable with you he can be so funny. I'm seeing the same thing in my ds as well. Thank you for your post.

Jen

 

Jen