We're going to tell my 9 year old son

I told my son when he got his diagnosis, when he was 8. It took a few years to really make sense to him - we couldn't hide it, as he had been through the testing process, but we also couldn't really help it make sense for him until we had been through a few goes. Books can help - my mind has gone completely blank but we had a good one called 'Being yourself in a world that is different' or something that had some very helpful strategies and *didn't* focus on the individual and how the diagnosis made them 'different'.

Now my son is very pleased with his diagnosis because he finds a useful thing to be able to tell people when he is struggling - for example, if he has to 'go flappy' to decompress or process something, he doesn't want people to think he is being rude or naughty, he wants them to know it is due to a disability. Similarly, he finds that explaining to teachers/aides etc that his problems with organisation and executive functioning are due to a disability helps everyone to try and find solutions that help him (eg homework diaries, visual timetables, signed reminders) rather than telling him off for being lazy or stupid. And if we are going to try new activities (eg climbing) he is keen that I explain to the coaches that he has Asperger's Syndrome, and might need extra support to take part in things, so that the coaches don't think he is being rude or difficult if he gets the wrong end of the stick.

As he has processed the information about the diagnosis (which, as I said, did take a while and was an ongoing process, not just explaining it once) he has become noticeably happier and more relaxed about himself, and more able to cope with things like school and social activities: he no longer feels guilty or that he is being naughty when he genuinely struggles. He now takes pride in identifying fellow Aspies and in extolling the virtues of the syndrome (particularly the high IQ and the 'seeing the world differently' aspect of it.

I think he'd rather not have it - he does see that it gets in the way of what he wants to do sometimes, and he is also aware that it makes life difficult for those around him which worries him sometimes. But understanding that he has it, and what impact it has on him, has been an important part of the way we manage it and the way we are helping towards an (I hope!) independent life as he grows older.

I would see it as an ongoing thing, hopefully a dialogue that grows and changes as he does, rather than a one-off announcement. You probably found out gradually and over a period of time, from when you first noticed 'red flags', to when you started asking questions, to when you started getting testing and diagnoses, and then also how *you* dealt with that information, and how much you learned (and are still learning) along the way. It'll be the same for your DS, and I think you'll have to support him through it.

hth

Kirsty, mum to Euan (11, Aspergers Syndrome) Rohan (7, NT) and Maeve (4, NT)