What are family gatherings like for you?
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| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:35pm |
Yesterday being Easter made me think of this question......
I'm starting to hate holidays.......most of our holidays including gathering with extended family and having some type of a meal. Vaughn (my aspie) has a very limited list of food items that he is willing to eat.
There is always someone in the family (mainly to two grandfathers) that insist that EVERYONE sit down with the whole family and eat what is prepared. So EVERY holiday we do battle with my son to try to get him to sit at the table with everyone and to eat at least one item.....even if it is just a roll.....ANYTHING. This always turns into a bad scene......me begging and bargaining......son crying and tanturming......husband getting angry and yelling.
What I have been doing lately is making him eat something (anything) before we go over to the relatives for dinner. When it comes time for family dinner time, I tell him that he is excused because he already ate. Well this upsets the grandparents because they want everyone at the table, the other parents get angry because then all of their kids are whining that they are not hungry and they want to go play with my son. So then we tried to get him to just sit at the table (having been already fed).....but he complains about the smell of the food or the noises that others are making while they eat (he is hypersensitive to smells and sounds). I also tried making him something that he will eat (off of his very short list).....but then all the other kids want special meals as well.....again I get dirty looks from the other mom's and dad's. I just can't win.
I just don't know what do to about this. I don't want my son to associate every holiday with a battle at the dinner table. I don't want to do battle either.
Anyone else have this issue? BTDT? Advice or suggestions?
TIA,
Christie

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Christie,
We've got the same basic problem, but it's in a slightly different form. It was much worse in years past, when David was undiagnosed, and we didn't "get it."
MIL is our main problem. She's a sweet lady, and we love her, but it's tough having her around. I'm learning to use the phrase, "Nope. I'm the mom." And then not wait around for the response. It's a bit harsh, and out of character for me; but I've found that sometimes it's necessary. Usually it's MIL, but we've had a few other guests who get all weird on us, and need to be kept in line. LOL! I'm thinking of that Pink Floyd line, "Can't have any pudding!!!! HOW can you have any pudding if you don't eat your MEAT?!?!?" She says it in a sweet voice, but the message is the same. Sorry, MIL, but I'm feeding my kids buttered toast and chocolate milk at the "little table" for dinner, and they're getting dessert whether they eat all the toast or not. I'm the mom. End of discussion. The hard part is getting the "I'm the mom" message across clearly without making enemies. In fact...we don't have the big family gatherings like what you describe, because the few people that exist on my side have all managed to offend and alienate one another to the point where they don't want to be in the same corner of the country, let alone the same room.
It was much worse before I understood what's going on with David. There was a stretch of time when his dinner/company behavior was beyond atrocious, and no matter what we did, MIL had something to say about it. Either we were "letting him walk all over" us or "oh, he's just a kid, don't be so hard on him." It's true, you CAN'T win. A lot of times, doing what's best for your kids means doing something that makes all the relatives roll their eyes and purse their lips.
One thing that makes family stuff so hard is that DH totally loses his backbone when his mother is around. (I can't blame him.) We went to Legoland with MIL over Thanksgiving, and David asked for a Vladek costume at a gift shop. DH was going to just get it, because it was a nice-quality costume, and seemed like a good thing. MIL immediately said to David, "That is much too expensive. You must choose something that doesn't cost so much money." So David began to cry. Then, of course, it APPEARED that he was trying to used tears to get his way, so DH was really in a spot. If either of us bought the costume, MIL would think we were spoiling David. To make it worse, David had already picked out something else, AND Nathan didn't have anything yet (or want anything, but that's beside the point.) That kind of thing is our version of the "family gathering" problem, I think. Eventually, when I understood what was going on, and saw the price of the costume, snuck back with David and bought it, and told him that it would be best if we didn't let Nanna see it. It wasn't that expensive (MIL has to convert from British money, so she wouldn't know anyway!)
So...I guess this is my round about way of saying that I know what you mean. Same basic problem in a different package. We "educate" when we can, but some people just won't hear it. MIL is a nice lady, but you can't educate her about AS.
Isn't life fun?
Evelyn
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I've been lurking for a little while... This post struck me because family gatherings have been very hard for a long time. I have definitely cut back on visits with family because I don't want to deal with the judgement that occurs.
I am in the process of working to get an eval of my son as I strongly suspect he is on the autistic spectrum. Many members of my family don't quite seem to 'get it' when it comes to some of my son's behaviors. I've been told on several occasions that I am raising my son 'wrong' and that I need to discipline him better, and, 'gee, what you need is Nanny 911 to come to your house. They'll shape things up!' Very irksome.
Since I had many of the same quirks growing up as my son does - I suspect I may be on the spectrum as well. I understand some of my son's quirks - but not quite all of them!
Recently, we had a family dinner and, sure enough, my son began to feel anxious. When that happens he very much likes to play with my hair. So he starts doing that and my brother pipes in with, "Why don't you stop that and let your Mom eat her dinner." My son is REALLY sensitive to reprimands, so he immediately started crying. Many people at the table looked really uncomfortable. I just concentrated on dealing with my son.
Then later, the conversation turns to poking fun at my strange quirks when I was growing up. For the first time in my life, I don't feel embarrassed or humiliated by the topic. When my Mom looked at me and asked seriously, "Why did you line up and sort out Halloween candy?" I said, "Because it felt good."
I have been helped a lot by reading other's posts on this board! You guys help a lot in learning more about all this!
For several years I had great difficulty with my FIL and MIL. It's a long story, but years ago I offended them by quitting my long time job to go back to college and work at the college when I wasn't in class. Since then they were critical of everything from how "I" spent "their son's" money to how I kept house, to how I dressed, etc. Then we had Ian and they found a whole new playground to bully me on. First it was breastfeeding, which they think is somewhat obscene, then it was letting him be barefoot, what he wore, etc. We started really having trouble when Ian was three. My husband and I started going to a counsellor (basically a social worker on our insurance company's list of providers) because we knew Ian was not responding to whatever we were doing with him and knew we needed help. This was before any diagnosis -- we were doing only behavioral mods.
Well, one Christmas we went to my husband's parents' house and Ian would not wear his coat in from the car (which was what, like 12 feet from the front door???). My husband's dad would NOT let it go and said I was not doing my job, that I was letting Ian get away with murder, that when he was older this would not be cute and what if he got killed because he ran out into the street and wouldn't listen to us. He had to learn the meaning of the word no, etc., etc., etc.. He went on and on and on. I was already stressed out because I knew we had a big problem but I didn't know what it was. The counsellor was not helping, and I was so sensitive about my parenting. I was very insecure and always on edge anyway. It ended with me in tears, balling my eyes out, telling them "I'm doing the best I can with him. We're going to a therapist for him. What do you want from me???"
I have to tell you that is the best thing that ever happened. My husband's dad was so ashamed of making me cry that since then he has not ONCE! said a critical word to me about ANYTHING! I think my SIL read him the riot act. She called me the next day and asked if I was okay and that she wanted to know we had her support. I think our relations have improved immesurably, even though they have no idea what Asperger's is. They still think mental illness is a lack of good character and they don't want to admit there might be anything genetic because that would be somehow shameful (they are in their late middle 70's). However, they do know what ADHD is and my MIL told me that when they were raising their kids her MIL told her that my FIL was hyperactive as a child. But that was strictly on the QT, not in front of FIL. They don't want to know about autism. They just know we are working with Ian and that his behavior has improved a lot. He's actually a lot easier for them to deal with than other kids, and they've told me so in recent times.
My family, well, they are coming around slowly. They didn't believe there was anything wrong except a lack of discipline. Now they are all sort of independently researching autism and sending me articles (so proud of themselves, it's kind of sweet) they've taken from the paper or a magazine.
In one way it's lucky that there are no other children in the family to compare with. They are the only ones in town, so it's no problem for us to let them eat or not eat. In fact, no one has a big dining room, so sometimes it's a relief for them not to be at the table because then the grown ups all have a place to sit down and eat, LOL!
It's tough sometimes. The hardest criticism to take is from your family.
Kelly
Christie,
I agree about the holiday thing. It's rather difficult being around people who are not very understanding. My family is pretty nice about everything, but my dh's family still doesn't seem to get it.
I have a different problem though. Dh's family...doesn't talk about it. I have a couple of people who treat Nathan like he needs THEIR help. Like they know what to do!!! They help him a little too much!! But mostly no one "speaks" of the "a" word. And when a situation occurs.....they freeze. They don't know what to say or what to do. I've been real open about everything too, but they seem almost frightened about it or something. I don't really know. Dh says not to worry about them, so I try not too. We don't see his family on a regular basis anyway, they live an hour away. The best thing to do is to get your dh on your side. And on the side of your ds. When you're busy dealing with Vaughn's needs, what you really need is someone who will back you up, and be there to help and support you. This is not always an easy task to accomplish.....I know.
I have found that distance from people who don't understand is best. I always try explaining to people about autism first off....but if they don't want to know, or don't want to take the time to understand, I don't bother too much with them. I know that it's a hard thing to do with family though. Hang in there! (((hugs)))
michelle
This is a link to a "Letter to Grandparents". It's a good way to let relatives know the basics.
http://members.tripod.com/aspie5/id10.html
Evelyn
Thanks for posting and letting me know you understand. I guess DH and I have to have a sit-down and come up with a plan once and for all and stick to it. I definitely need to know that at least DH has my back.....
My parents are at least trying to understand son better. My dad actually went to the library and read Tony Attwood's book. He called me and confessed that there was a paragraph in the book that talked about going into public with your AS child while they are melting down and getting all of these looks (and sometimes comments) like -- "Just give me 10 minutes with that kid and I'll straighten him out" -- my dad admitted that he has thought that on several occassions......he assumed that I was being too soft on my son because he is from my first marriage.....my dad assumed that I did not want to be "the mean parent" and that I was not disciplining him......
Family......as I've said before.....you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can even pick your friend's nose, but you can't pick your family....
Christie (who is still a little battle worn from Easter and is barely surviving spring break)
Thanks Tina......don't even mention potty training around me.....my sister-in-laws were the WORST when it came to this subject. My son did not use the potty until he was almost 4 (unfortunately we did not know he had AS at the time......not diagnosed until he was 7.5). Every time I had to change son's pullup at family gatherings, the two of them would start to discuss how early all of their perfect children trained (if you ask me, the mom's were the ones that were trained......putting the kids on the potty every hour on the hour, making them sit there until they did something). Anyway.....I feel your pain.
Christie
Thank you for posting.....one of my DH's friends once had the nerve to try to yell at my son (him and his wife are big screamers.....their kids are use to it....mine is not).....I went off on him. He has never raised his voice at either of my children again.
Also thanking for posting that you are or have AS tendancies.....it is interesting to here about AS for your perspective....
Christie
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