what would you do?
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| Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:04pm |
Vaughn just had his second Music & Friends group tonight. It is a social skills group with a music therapist. It is an 8 week long program meeting once a week for 45 minutes. Vaughn is the youngest of the 4 boys there - Vaughn just turned 8, two boys are 9 and one is 10.
After the session was done, Vaughn walked out of the room visibly upset (pouting, saying he hates this place and it's stupid). The therapist tells me that at the end of class, there was only enough time for two people to play the drums. She picked the boy who listened best during the class (Brian) and then when Brian was done, she let Brian pick someone to play the drums. He picked Dave. So Vaughn was upset that he did not get to play the drums. That was not the problem......
Brian comes over to my son and starts teasing him.....he gets really close, right in Vaughn's face - starts pointing his fingers right in Vaughn's face and starts teasing, "I didn't pick you....I don't like you......no one likes you" Of course, I am the only witness.....Brian's mom is talking to someone else and the therapist is talking to another mom. Vaughn is getting even more upset - he is starting to growl (the beginning of his rage cycle). Brian thinks this is funny and likes Vaughn's reaction, so it keeps teasing him. Vaughn starts to shake and is pounding his fist into his hand.....this is not a good sign. I take Vaughn's arm and try to calm him while I am walking him out before he punches Brian in the nose. The therapist finally sees that Vaughn is really upset and follows us. I explain what just happened. She said that everything was fine during the session so she doesn't know why this happened.
What would you do? I'm very upset right now. Vaughn gets picked on and teased at school enough....I don't want him to get this treatment during the summer as well....especially since I am paying for this. I told him that he does not have to go back if he does not want to....he is thinking about it. If we do return, should I have the therapist use this as an example of a social skill to work on with the boys? Should I talk to Brian's mom - I know her....not well.....just from being at local support groups.
Christie

First thought is that I would allow or request that it be used as a learning opportunity. For all the boys. Of course there is no excuse for teasing but that boy obviously has social deficits as well. They (AS kids) may pick up this behavior because it is what happens to them at school so they think it is appropriate. A NT kid never would have done that in front of a parent.
Also, this might give Vaughn the opportunity to learn some coping skills for teasing in a structured safe environment, if you trust this MT to do it the right way that is.
I could see going into the next one and the therapist says "I want to talk about something that happened after the last class" Then go on without being accusatory and have them role play different situations etc. This is supposed to be a social skills class so she should have the ability to do that effectively I would think.
It is horrible that it happened to him and no, he shouldn't be getting teased. But teasing does happen and this would be a good opportunity to teach about it and what he can do in the future. (ie, take a deep breath, ask the child to stop firmly, if the child doesn't stop get the help of an adult)\
Renee
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Christie, I think you handled it really well. I can imagine how hard that must have been to watch, all the while no one else is seeing this.
If you have the therapist's phone number, it might be a good idea to call her before the next meeting and talk to her in detail about it. If she has a little time to prepare, she might be able to call Brian's mom ahead of time and put together a plan to use it as a learning experience (which I think is a marvelous idea!). Brian has probably had this kind of thing happen to him and now he's doing it to Vaughn. He needs to understand that his actions were mean spirited and that while it's no good to BE bullied, it's no better to be the bully. Vaughn may get some really good strategies for dealing with bullies in school.
I feel your pain. I'm terrified of that stuff happening and I'm always trying to think ahead, "How do I handle that the most productive, effective way?" when what I'd really want to do is kill that kid and his mom for hurting my baby! On the other hand, I also am afraid of the day someone comes to me and says one of my kids has done something like this. I know very well it could happen, and I try to think of how I would want the mom of that kid to react.
Kelly
Thank you Renee. As always, you have such wise advice to give. I put a call into the therapist and I am sending her an email. I think it would be a very good idea to use this as a learning/teaching opportunity. Son desperately needs better coping skills.
I'm grateful that I was watching this take place (not that it wasn't painful to watch my son being teased) - I know he would have been mortified if he would have actually punched and hurt Brian.
Christie
Tina.....I did have the momma bear reaction.....I took my son and ran out of there.....vowing never to return. Now that I've calmed down, I can see that it is a good opportunity for learning about coping with bullying/teasing.
Still, it was horrible to watch.....
Thanks for your help,
Christie
Thank you Kelly. I too am trying to consider how I would want Brian's mom to react if my son was the one teasing her son......that's why I am so glad that I broke up the interaction between the two of them before my son clocked Brian in the nose.
Yup, looks like both boys need some help in this area.....
Again, thanks!
Christie
Hi Christie,
Just wanted to say we had a similar incident at summer camp a week or so ago. My son is only 4 and in a "art therapy" summer camp that focuses on social skills. He's with 4 other boys of same age, skill level.
One night Eric started crying hysterically before bed, wanted to sleep with me--which is unusual, said he hated camp, etc. I finally got him to say that another boy always "pokes him in the face." I have seen the other boy and it surprised me, since he seems pretty docile, not capable of being malicious. I do know the mom, her other child has Downs, so she has her hands full. But I thought it better to talk to the camp teachers.
We told Eric if this happened again to tell the teacher and move to a different chair until the teacher came. Then we discussed this with the teacher. Not blaming, but saying maybe the other boy was just trying to get Eric's attention and didn't know what to do.
The teacher (an ST) was surprised it happened, didn't witness it (which did bother me) with Eric but said the other boy does do this with other children. She did use it as a teaching tool and they worked on "how to get my friend's attention."
But it is hard. What is hard for me, and I can see this getting more pronounced when we eventually go mainstream, is getting Eric to say what happened. He is very verbal, but has trouble explaining his feelings or recalling events. He's the kind that can tell you what color shirt he wore and Christmas day a year ago, but can't tell you what he did at school today. Often he has a delayed emotional reaction, like in this case. He holds it in at the moment, then everything explodes later.
But sending you hugs. I am glad it worked out, and I think you handled it well too.
Katherien