What would you tell the next generation
Find a Conversation
What would you tell the next generation
| Thu, 09-14-2006 - 3:47pm |
Of teachers?
As I posted in the other thread I have the unique situation where I will be working on a project where teachers will be learning what it is like to be the family of a special needs person. If given the opportunity, what would you tell them about thier lives. Remember I will be using this in class so I ask your permission in advance to share the information.
Renee


Pages
What Paula said, LOL!
Social isolation is a biggie. You can't explain it to someone, they won't get it. They will definitely think it's a lack of parenting skill. Or an excuse. Or they pity you -- not that it will make a difference in their wanting to be your friend or get together with you and your family.
It costs a lot of money to have a special needs child. If the parents don't participate in all the school fund raisers and spend money on school spirit clothing, book fairs and carnivals, don't judge them to be uninterested or "dead beat parents" who don't support the school.
All the PTA supermoms who are at school multiple times a week and on every committee will probably talk about your kids. They are the ones who are already laying the paths for their children to associate with the "right people" and make beneficial social connections, to participate in the activities that will be the groundwork for middle school and high school teams and clubs that will look good on applications to prestigeous universities. Okay, that probably sounds very cynical, but to a large degree, at least where I live, it is accurate.
Just because the kids are autistic doesn't mean they are the same, that they function on the same level, or that their needs are similar. One OT started to talk with Duncan and she tried to rush and hurry things. You can't rush trust -- it has to be developed and earned. Just because they're autistic and often don't respond doesn't mean they aren't aware of every single thing that is going on. Just because they seem to be ignoring you, don't think they aren't carefully observing you.
When you encounter resistence, don't assume an autistic child is being oppositional or disrespectful. Chances are that child is stuck in a logic loop, a sensory issue, or having difficulty transitioning. Punishment and rewards are behavioral tools, and they often won't work if a child is "stuck." You have to help the child work through the issue before you are going to get cooperation or get them to do whatever they need to do in a timely manner. There are no short cuts. Stop gap measures won't be effective if that's what you rely on most of the time.
I need more patience to parent than anything else I've ever done. Children tax me enormously. I love my kids and I wouldn't want them to not be with me, but at least once a week I fantasize about life without having to constantly be concerned with meeting someone else's needs. I long for a week of vacation from my kids.
My family is not helpful. They don't want to be bothered, and it is very hurtful to me. I have one sister who never married and does not have kids. She doesn't have a clue, and doesn't want to. My other sister lost two children before they were born. I think there's a part of her that is very bitter that I have children and she does not. I think she feels she would have made a better mother and that my children's issues result from my "bad parenting" rather than a neurological problem. My first sister lives with my mother, and my mother is getting elderly. She does not want to upset my sister so she's not as involved as she would like to be, but I'm not sure if she were more able if she wouldn't just find something "better to do" than help with her grand children. And then I feel badly about thinking this of my mother, but then she'll do something that makes me know I'm right about this, and I feel hurt and angry all over again. So most of the time I just try to expect nothing. Than when someone does something nice, I can appreciate it and not expect more than they are willing or able to give.
My husband's family is less helpful still.
I know I will be working until I die. All of our savings is gone. Once we get the kids to a point where I can begin working again, I will be working until I am no longer physically able to work. I will never enjoy retirement. Saving for our children's higher education is a joke. Save money? What money!
It's been a rough week, but reality is reality. No sugar coating on this pill, LOL!
Kelly
I have more...
GET TO KNOW YOUR STUDENTS. If a new student transfers in - take the time to at least flip through his/her academic file as soon as possible.
If you are gen ed and have a special needs child in class, familiarize yourself with their disability. You don't have to study it in depth, but at least have an idea what it entails. Know that "Autism" covers a wide range of kids - and the highest functioning ones may not stand out in a crowd.
I have had ONE teacher (2nd grade - who suggested Asperger's) who knew enough to point me towards some resources. Even if you personally don't know, be able to point me in A direction (special ed department, principal, etc) that can help my child.
And lastly - ADD/ADHD is NOT a catch-all for kids that have problems in school.
(Yes - I'm venting) Josh's teacher thought his sloppy handwriting was because he was trying to mix printing and cursive. Had she REVIEWED his file she would have known that he was receiving OT services before I even had to ask about them. If I hadn't asked, it most likely would have been overlooked. Her (rather snide) "What, does he have ADD or something?" comment is still sitting wrong.
Talk to future teachers ... hmmm. I am actually not in a great mood to talk with educators right at this moment, as one might guess. I do not think people without the gift of teaching should be bothering teaching. And we have now had too many young, inexperiences, ungifted dud teachers and the evidence is in our boy and his refusal to participate in school.
Look at the child in front of you. READ THE IEP AND EVALS. Read them several times. Do research, ask the parents lots of questions, read up on the information about the dx'es. Be prepared to not know what to do and be very, very careful of snap judgements based on any past experience with other children. ASD kids are NOT like other kids. Pay attention to everything the parents tell you about their child and believe them. And really believe the ASD child. They don't lie, and they will tell you (if they can) what is going on with them and it will be the truth from their point of view. Become part of the team WITH the child and the parent and enter into the exploration of how to work with the child and how to help modify his school experience so the child can learn and be part of the classroom.
I have lost my faith. I do not think there are educators out there who can teach ... and if there are, I don't know how to find them.
Sara
ilovemalcolm
"I have lost my faith. I do not think there are educators out there who can teach ... and if there are, I don't know how to find them."
Ahem, present company excluded I hope?
Problem is you are in NYC. They are notorious even on the left coast. They spend the least per capita on special needs students. Their overrun inner city schools are notorious.
Move west young woman!
Renee
No! no!
Move East!
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
No we don't have surf worth waves but Long Island has some of the best beaches on the east coast..
Hey so good Donald Trump is willing to build a concession stand on Jones Beach.
Plus we got the Hamptons for the Ritzy Crowds. And if you want some great wine there is always the North Fork. I have sampled some great stuff from them and trust me there are days where I just want to down a bottle.
But I agree with Special some of our school districts are very good with the special Ed stuff and if they can't do what is needed for the kids then they will try BOCES programs and it doesn't cost the parents anything and transportation is incluced. And I have heard from several people if home tutoring is needed then that is not a problem either.
Sara I understand why you love the city, and how close it is and all etc But may be needed to change if you can't get what you want. Remember we votwe for our school budgets out here so we do have control over our school spending and we get to well look at the budgets plus as parents wwe can go to the Boards and even get elected for office. Plus we have SEPTA. which helps.
Rina
I am the single mother of a son who is extremely intelligent. His abilities in the classroom are amazing. He has one friend. He can go months without speaking to her. Without meds he can barely tolerate one hour at a party. When I ask how he does socially don't tell me he is a genius. Don't tell me that you expect him to be mature because he is so smart. Don't give him a D in conduct thinking it will smarten him up.Offer to work on his social skills. Don't stick him in the back of the room away from everyone because he can't raise his hand to answer a question. Son takes a shower every other day. I wash his hair when he showers. We battle 2x a day to brush his teeth. His school clothes are washed every nite. Yes they are stained,chewed and too small.No, he will not wear a belt to hold his pants up.You are going to see a lot of his belly and bum. Yes, he has worn the same outfit for every occassion that he did not have to wear his uniform. he has no clue about fashion. There are days he looks like he is sleeping on the streets. Only one barber can cut his hair.Yes he will have every supply that you request. He will lose, misplace and throw out most of them within a few weeks.His homework will be done every nite and will be lost between my front hall and your classroom.I will take him to class each day to be sure that he gets there. I will smile at you. You've had him for 6 hrs.-he's mine for the next 18 hrs.He will rant/rave, meltdown, break things, tell me he hates you- things he will not do in front of you. I will keep my low paying job because it allows me to flexible hours, to bring him to and from school,drs. appts, blood tests etc.
His father is allowed visitation. Father does not believe son has any problems. Father has been to busy dating, starting a business, travelling, getting married, remodelling his house/yard to notice. When dr tell father there are problems, when teacher tells of problems- father tells son they are all wrong.I have been trying to get help for years but no one saw the problems- not his father, either family, teachers- only me.My son is my life. Everything revolves around him- what foods we eat, when we eat, who can come into the house(social anxiety), the activities we attend(too much noise), shopping(sometimes I buy 5 pairs of pants for him to try on at home- then return the others). Dating is a joke. Son takes so much time/energy that I can stay in touch with friends
only by phone. No time to meet anyone. So sometimes I resent my son. (Yep that was hard to say). If we are talking to a male adult son just says or does something awful. I'm not going to explain to every acquaintence that son has problems.I spend money to sign son up for sports, I will probably have to drag him there. He may have a good time running about the field. I will not be smiling, my head will hurt and I will feel terrible about the fight we had to get him there.
I come from a large family, no ever offers to babysit. He is never invited to sleepovers or vacations. So he does not fit with the family either. He knows this. It is just me and him against the world. He's not able to tell me that he loves me or appreciates what I do and for the time being he prevents me from sharing my life with someone so I do feel all alone.
Thanks everyone. It's not just that I love the City. We are rooted here. Dh grew up here, I have lived here for over 20 years and worked in theatre here before that. I built my theatre career and ran my own company here, we own our beautiful 3 bedroom apt. at a perfect location, we have scores of wonderful friends who are like family to us. And the biggest deal is that Malcolm has best buddies, some of which he's been friends with since he was 3 -- in fact, his best buddy's families are his other families, they are TIGHT -- and now his girlfriend who he's been in love with since he was 6 is back and only 10 blocks away. I would really be desparate, I think, to take him away from his friends he loves so much and who are so good for him.
It would be very disruptive to move away on so many levels. I do think if we were going to move, we would go to MN where I have most of my actual family, where he has cousins of all ages that he adores. But I know nothing about MN services and schools and we have no jobs there. We could do it, though, if we really have to give up our home over ds' schooling and we knew that we could get good schooling for him there. We don't KNOW that, however.
But it is VERY fun to have many online pals wanting me to move all over. I feel rawther popular... Wouldn't it be fabulous if we could organize a retreat weekend like those zany gals at the Development Delay Board do? I offer my little PA mountain house, just over an hour and a half from City, if we crowded we could fit up to 15 of us!
Sara
Pages