When parents call to talk about your child... :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
When parents call to talk about your child... :/
12
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 1:25am

We got our first call.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007

I would start off by very calmly pointing out that while your son has a disability, presumably his son does not. Therefore it should be his son avoiding contact and confrontation because his son has the skills to do that.

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: mommaforever
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:05pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
What meds do you mean? His teacher at school says he's not hyper and has no attention problems, which is what I thought meds were usually for. Of course the dad I'm talking about said the opposite. The only one I just thought about while reading other people's experiences is anxiety meds... not sure what meds people think of and what they actually do to help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
He goes to a social skills class at school now.

I'm just not sure what medications can do really. I have never been suggested them for my DS, and especially not from a parent. The doctor who diagnosed them said there really aren't any meds that would help with what he is struggling with. I'm thinking that if he acts at his worst all the time, it might be a different story, but this is a few minutes a week, and the odd behaviors are just... him.

No other parents have said anything. Teachers outside of school at these events say he's great, except one who said he has a whole lot of energy.

Years ago me and other parents would see things, but we were both there, so we both took care of the situation. I apologize like a maniac, get my son into trouble, and they would just say that their own son should have done this, etc, and we work it out and it wasn't a big deal. But that's when we actually see it together, rather than what one child says about another.

In school is different. His teacher notices things like him not making friends easily, and having a hard time working with others on group projects, probably due to his rigid thinking, but she just pairs him up with people "who are close to his intellectual level, or people who are laid back and don't mind him being in charge". lol

He does get into trouble outside of class, yes. He was suspended twice, almost three times. He has been in trouble maybe 4 times other than that for things like walking on people's feet in line, pushing a child who he thought had pushed another child, etc. All of this took place during recess or PE and in the past 4 almost 5 months.

I'm the one who wants him to have more supports during recess and unstructured times, but the school says he's fine, and all he needs is the 5 point scale. We're working on writing his very first IEP and BIP. We'll see though.

Anyways, that was long! We did talk after the convo through email and that went a lot better...


Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: mommaforever
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 5:01pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
You calling to get ideas is one thing. Calling and saying your son is violently bullying my son ever week for one year and he needs to be punished is another. Especially when nobody saw it and nobody told me about it. And he asked more than 10 times, almost demanding, what doctors have said about him, etc. I don't feel my son should ever touch people who don't want to be touched, and I would love for it to stop, but in order for both of them to move past this, they each need to do their part. The other boy needs to learn to tell my son that he doesn't like it too. Otherwise he just isn't going to know. The difference here is that they don't think their son can do anything differently and that it's all my son. They sat as a family and made a list of things my son has done that made their son sad since we've known them. The list was small and with no context. The boy listened to the one hour conversation of their dad telling me how to parent my son, that he needs to go to the doctor, he needs meds, and just on and on. The boy even came on the phone to tell me things.

It wasn't good enough that I was going to talk to my son, it wasn't good enough that I talked to the teachers and adults so they could look out to make sure of what was happening. Nothing was good enough. He just wanted him in as much trouble as possible. Right now.

If it was true, and my son really was violently purposely assaulting theirs every week for one year, I'm sure they would have told me after the first time!

I think the way you handled it was better than this Caren. These people seem to enjoy drama. A lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
By the way, I'd also honestly explain the situation with your son. That his friend is often hurt by the son's actions and while you do not agree with the parents interpretation, pehaps it would be best to limit activities and be aware of the other boy's sensitivity. I myself have had to have frequent and honest conversations with my son in regards to similar issues for years and its made him stronger and more equipped to handle social faux pas. I don't berate him about it, I don't make excuses for him, but by making him aware, he's much more armed to face these things when he's not with us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003

You know, from what I'm reading, I'm not seeing where you're family is carrying much fault. First, you've alerted the parent that your son has AS and has a much more difficult time socially than other children. You've told these parents that this will likely not change. The behavior you've described and witnessed has been, honestly, what I as a mom and teacher have seen, been normal boy behavior. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing much here to berate you for. Do any other parents/teachers complain?

I agree with the previous poster that it seems the problem is with the parents of this friend. I've always been a people pleaser, but it sounds like they are thin-skinned and are raising a thin-skinned child. AS and thin-skinned people don't mix well. I remember a Boy Scout meeting and watching another kid punching and kicking the heck out of mine. My son was fighting back, but looked genuinely distressed. As I was about to split them up they stopped, but I asked my son later if this boy picked on him like that alot. He said, "What do you mean?" and I explained. My son told me, "He wasn't picking on me. We were just goofing around."

Avatar for skystrider
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-1999

It sounds like there is a father here who has some unresolved bullying issues in his own past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009

yeah, the thing is it's not at school, it's happening at a different class. It's just sad that they're gossiping about my son being a violent bully, but I see them all, including the parents, at least once a week in the building, supposedly while the bullying is happening, and they don't say a word for a year.

He has started social skills classes at school.

The things he does that the father has noticed are the tiny things we wouldn't think about, like during a balloon game, someone wins and they all say the game is over, so the balloons are being hit around everywhere, and my son hits the other boy's balloon. The father was upset about that because that was his son's balloon and my son was bullying him. My husband is a teacher and watched the whole thing and said that was just how the end of the class was, balloons being hit everywhere. The other things are what the child reported is happening. When I see them, it's both of them doing things, they're both switching chairs laughing about it, or pushing each other lightly in line laughing, so I know it's not my son "violently bullying" their son. I told them I'd do what I can with my son and I'll go through each incident and make sure he doesn't do it again, but that he should also talk to his son about what he can do so this doesn't happen. The dad wasn't thrilled and said his son was only 9 and might not get it and started talking about going to the doctor to rectify the situation...


We decided scouts isn't right for him right now.

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