Which is more important?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Which is more important?
6
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:19pm

Hi there,

I've mentioned that my son Derby is newly diagnosed (June of this year)...things have been overwhelming and difficult for DH and I for a while now, and we're still getting comfortable with the label, the diagnosis, the differences...everything.

I don't know anyone else who has a child on the spectrum, and I am desperate to find other parents to relate to. There is an autism society in our area, and they meet once a month - the first meeting I could go to is tonight - which is great. However, I work outside of the home, and DH is a SAHD - so gets the brunt of the caring for the kids. I just called him to say hi, and I can tell he's having a bad day with the kids. The 2 younger kids are being uncooperative, and he's talking of skipping dinner (as well as lunch because they wouldn't clean up their toys)...

The problem is that when I plan for things outside of work (which I rarely do, and they mostly get cancelled because of his reaction), he gets stressed out, which makes the kids stressed out, which intensifies the situation.

Should I go to the autism society meeting, or just go home and help out? I feel like I'm abandoning the rest of the family....

Thanks for your advice, Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:37pm

Many of the autism groups provide child care to their members, so you may want to look into that option. It would be great if you could BOTH attend the meeting. He's going to need support, and meeting another stay-at-home parent of a spectrum kiddo could be huge for me.

If they don't have childcare, then I would suggest you see if he'll go to the meeting. As a stay-at-home parent to our children (two on the spectrum) getting out of the house to meet other like me would be great. After that, could you maybe take turns attending the meetings?

Just a thought.

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:45pm

Hi there, thanks for the advice...they don't have childcare, and most families don't take their kids (so I'm told). I've asked DH is he wants to go and he says it's "not his thing" so...should I stay or should I go??

Part of the problem is that we're still working through acceptance, and he is having a tougher time than I am. I think a room full of parents going through the same thing would give him some support, but he's not ready yet...

Thanks, Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:08pm

If this were me, I would go home and help out with lowering stress. But then call the contact number and see if anyone is willing to give out phone numbers, start calling and talking with you, then you can plan towards future meetings. It would indeed be great if you could both go, but he may take some more time before he can listen or talk to strangers when he is really having to adjust to alot of new information (definitely not a guy thing, often, anyways, that sharing stuff...)

As we say around here, this is a long distance race and not a sprint. I can really understand your desire to go and meet with other parents tonight, but unless you had other family or friends who can go help ds out, I'd wait to start the connecting until there is another opportunity with more time to prepare everyone in advance, be sure everyone is OK.

Just my point of view. I also have a wonderful, involved dh, but when he's stressed, things get very hard here, too. And after he's had a very long, hard day, well, that is just what I would do.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:36pm

I would probably go home and help out. Then I would sit down with him and have a "meeting". Tell him you want to go to some of these meetings and you want him to have something he likes to do for himself too. Plan them in advance and put them on the calendar. Then one is your night to watch the kids and one is his.

I find with my DH if I give him 2-3 days notice then things are fine. Last minute is too hard for him. Same with me. At first things had to get scheduled and now we are better with more spur of the moment stuff. Particularly if it becomes part of the routine.

My thing was/is Bunco. The first time going was really rough. He was mad at first but I explained why I wanted to go, it is one night a month and I gave him 1 week warning each time. Now it is no big deal.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 6:29am

I vote for you getting a sitter and both going or let your dh go. It really is great to have a support group.

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 6:07pm

I just got to your post today, so I guess the question is moot for now, but will come up again next time. I would say get a sitter and both go. Or, if your DH doesn't feel ready, still get a sitter, you go to the meeting and let him do something out of the house fun for himself.

I am the SAHM and my DH works nights, so we have this problem too. The support group meetings are always at night so DH can't ever really go. There are two groups I sometimes attend. One is the local ASA that is more about finding resources, talking about feelings, that kind of thing. They sometimes have babysitting. The other group is university based and more lecture oriented. They never have sitters provided. But I have heard some great talks that have really helped me consider various therapies, treatments etc.

I have paid to have a sitter come when I felt I needed to go. When Eric was first diagnosed, the first group (ASA) was very important. It is where I met a few other parents who are my friends now. It is how I found out about local doctors, different therapy centers etc. Now I don't attend that group as often, but it really helped at first and would for your DH too. I go to the lecutures if it is a topic important to me.

I am sorry last night was such a dilemma, but maybe now you can work out a plan for the next meeting.

Katherine