Who do you call when you need help?
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| Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:31pm |
There have been a lot of posts about horrible terrible days and mom's feeling out of control and down and overwhelmed and it made me wonder...who do you call when you need a break?
I am lucky to have a DH who will look after the kids when I need some time off (not nearly as much as I think he should but still he does it). And we are truly blessed that my parents live close by so they willingly carry some of the burden, though they are in their 70's so I can't use them too often. And my sister will sometimes watch them IF they go to her house (which is not the best place for two active kids) and IF I'm only going to be for a short amount of time. So I do have a safety vavle.
But we don't have a regular babysitter. I dream of finding some college student who is majoring in special ed who is willing to take on my kids for a few hours here and there. Someone who understands why I need them to come around and become familiar before I feel comfortable leaving. Someone who is mature enough to handle a outburst and mature enough to know when she needs me to come home NOW. Cause I know I can't just leave them with the jr. high girl from around the block.
Do you have good family support? Do you have babysitters? Do you trade kids with another mom of an ASD kid? What do you do?
Mostly I'm curious and also I'm trying to get some ideas for our own situation.
Thanks,
Heather

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Gosh Heather you at least got parents to "help"
Let's see, my dad is hard of hearing so add a child with a speech delay it can be hairy so I only use my dad on rare occasion.
I have a friend who works with special needs high schools students BUT I use her when my chld is sleeping. He knows her, but it's better to go out when he is in bed...
I really rely on school and therepy for me to get my errands done or get coffe for just ME.
I feel for you too..
Nora
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s225/irishwildrose/pp2.jpg
oh lord, I know about this one and thank goodness my kids are getting older.
Today at church this guy on the way out bugs us for this golf tournament and dinner. He says "we are providing babysitting so you don't have that excuse". I told him they don't have a sitter than can watch my kids, lol.
We are fortunate now in the grandma dept. My mom moved out here about 3 years ago and I use her alot but only for short times with all 4. My inlaws i use on a VERY rare occasion with all 4 and even then there is usually something that happens.
Typically if it is long we split the kids up, 2 and 2. Mike and Emily to my mom (who handles Mike better and her house is quieter) and the other 2 to my inlaws. We are actually going away for 4 days for the first time ever in a few weeks with this method. The most we have ever done before is the very rare 1 nighter leaving late and picking them up early.
We have tried Respite and it was a joke. We used to have one teen who had a brother with severe bp who could handle Mike for a couple hours but she is older and has a real job now. She was better than the respite workers we had. In a pinch I would call and still call her mom and she calls me (we both have big families with SN kids).
Mostly we didn't go out. This was mostly for classes, IEP meetings etc.
BUT guess what! They grow up. Just in the past month or 2 we have been really stuck with no respite person and me in class. We have taught the kids using social stories, contracts, lists, etc the skills to stay home and Cait now watches them and Mike is allowed to stay too.
However, it is for a max of 30-45 minutes at a time but it is enough to get a coffee or run an errand. YEAH!!!!! I figure by next year we maybe able to do lunch and maybe within a year or 2 dh and I can go to a movie together. WHOO HOO!
Grandma still gets A LOT of calls and will for a long time.
Renee
DH and I are both immigrants. Our nearest close family is 3,000 miles away.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
I have been very blessed, and when we move, it's going to be better. There is a 12 year old up the road here who is wonderfully patient. Her first time baby-sitting, Victor had a full fledged meltdown. I made certain I was near by that time at the gym. She was surprisingly calm and just said "Mrs. C I don't know how to make him better. He's clawing at his face and crying." I told her she could either try and get him to talk, or tell him to go get into his "quiet" spot (under the bed) and Mom will be home soon." She was so freaked out by it, but kept her head and even told me I could call her anytime for a sitter. She did ask that I leave her a written list of what set him off because she had forgotten that he HAD to sit on the left side of her when they were watching a movie.
When we move back to Ky (btw June 4th is the day we ship out) I will have my best friend there who has a child who is ODD/ADHD/OCD. My best friend and I take turns with the kids to take breaks. We've learned the quirks of our respective kids and and so whomever has the boys, the other takes the other kids.
We may not be near family, but I am blessed with friends who took the time to understand Victor and can help when I need a break.
Alexis
Well, for the most part, we have no one, although that's changed a bit.
This is a thing with us too, as Tony and I have only been away one weekend since Chris has been born. He is 11. And that was a disaster. This was last summer, with my friend who has two kids that have ocd tendency's, some sensory issue's, and I suspect her oldest (my son's oldest friend) might be an Aspie.
We both had no clue about this aspie/neuro stuff last summer btw.
It was really hard with her. It was really hard with me too. We ended up in a fight when we got back. The only time we have ever gotten into a fight btw.
We smoothed it over eventually (were really close) but I know I can never ask her to watch both my boys at the same time again.
My mother can't do it, as she can only take one child at a time. She's getting old and has early onset of parkinson's, and she can't take it when the boys fight. She will help out, but its for a short time, and its only one of them, not both because of how they fight.
I have a sarb meeting tomorrow afternoon and my sister will take nic for a bit, but I don't ask her often, as she works and is busy and has 3 kids...
I feel lucky as Chris is old enough to leave him home at times, I just have to take nic with me when I have to run errands. Or I count on school hours, or tony being home.
Tony and I have a wedding to go to out of town in about 4 weeks, and its a no kid/family wedding. My neighbor/friend is going to take them for two nights, but I'm really nervous about this. Their teachers and great, but their kids are NT and I'm worried my kids will rage..... Especially nicholas. Luckily the kids know them well. There kids have been involved in our lives for the last 6 yrs.... But I'm still worried.
I hope this works out and another fight won't come out of it lol. But I know Tony and I so need this break.
Lainie
Dear Heather,
Well, I've got almost nuttin. I have a DH who does consider this parenting thing a partnership, and he does not act like he is "helping" when he, say, brings a kid or two to the supermarket to pick up milk. However, we both have full time jobs. And our two kids are special needs. The older guy, 5 1/2 is not harder (and in fact may be easier in some ways on some days) than a NT kid when he is alone, but he is very hard when with his brother. and he is very hard at home during stressful times in school. His brother, who just turned 3, is pretty much a handful no matter where he is or who he is with.
One of our neighbors drops off their 6 year old child, who is fairly high-maintenence himself, with us a lot. Sometimes they take my 3 year old in return. That helps, but they let him do whatever he wants, so when we try to enforce basic rules like asking permission before walking outside or taking a cookie, our son is a little more confused, which he expresses in tantrums. So, we have to deal with a harder kid for having taken a break from him.
Almost anyone will watch my kindergartener (alone), because he is very easy to others, but I have to deal with the stressed out side of him when he has not had down time. And, whoever watched him will probably tell me about how wonderful and charming he is while I'm dealing with his melt down at home because his brother touched his food. STill, it is an advantage that I can leave him in a pinch. I am greatful that he is easy to find a sitter for.
I have not ever had a sitter that can handle my children together for a sustained length of time since the "baby" became more of a player in their rivalry. I had had a young adult sitter for them for an hour or two a day up until about 6 months ago. She quit for her own reasons, she said, but my kids were getting really rough together at that time.
I feel like I have friends who get it, if they can't offer physical help, but it is hard to find the time to nurture the freindships. This board is available 24/7, and I love those hours. Right now, sleep is not coming to me, so here I am, at the keyboard.
Up until a few months ago we lived next door to my parents. That was a wonderful situation because my mom and sister were almost always available to help out. Now that we've moved about 3 hours away, if something comes up, I have a friend who I can call for help. My mom and aunt, however, are always willing to come if there is a serious need. In fact, my mom came and stayed for a week after Lily's tonsillectomy. We haven't found a regular babysitter yet in our new area, so my dh and I haven't been on a date since we moved here. However, yesterday at church one of the ladies that taught Lily's sunday school class up until a month ago came up to me and told me that she and her dh (they were co-teachers) really missed Lily and if we ever needed babysitters to please, please call them! I was so happy about that! I thought Lily had been a handful for them, but apparently she had them wrapped around her finger. She just seems to have that affect on people. So, at least now I know that there are two responsible adults who are more than willing to watch my children.
Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom
Yay for older kids! Just in the last several months we've also been blessed to have our kids get old enough that I can leave them for brief times. 3yo NT dd also began preschool twice a week (tho' since her school starts earlier than elementary school, I only have about 1hr without kids).
Previously we rarely had sitters. We did have a neighbor girl and a couple of teens from church who'd periodically sit with the kids for short periods of time, but it's been a long time since we had an outside sitter (I don't think we've had one since 3yo was born). We don't have family nearby. The NT kids were too high spirited, and the AS kids had their issues, so we just didn't get much relief at that point in time.
Currently when I leave the kids, the older two (12yo AS dd, 10yo NT ds) are jointly in charge of the 3yo, and the 8yo is in charge of himself. I had to be careful about not leaving one kid in charge of the others 'cus the older ones get waaaaaay too bossy and start fights amongst each other. I don't generally leave them alone unless I'm within a 5-min drive from them (grocery/dept stores are VERY close), and I keep my cell phone on. We also have some good neighbors whom we don't really interact much with but who'd help out in a heartbeat if it were necessary. Still, it's sooooo nice to finally be able to leave the kids for brief periods of time by themselves. It makes a huge difference to not have to shop or run other brief errands with them every time.
Wow,
Reading these do bring back memories though. We really very very rarely had sitters at all up until my mom moved here. And still, mostly it is for important things like an afterschool IEP meeting and such. My mom does alot of those and my local BF and I switched off a lot.
But I have some funny sitter stories with our ASD kids. Anyone else?
My best are always respite stories. SURE those folks are specially trained, NOT! One Gal Renita, thought our kids were easy. They were 2,4,6, and 8 at the time. They were the first couple times because I would let them watch tv the entire time I was gone for fear for the poor respite person. But I warned her and I told her ALL the household rules and how to work with the kids. She didn't believe me. By the 3rd visit she was letting the kids walk all over her and getting them riled.
The 4th visit we came home to find out that the boys had decided naked was fun and were streaking around the house. Cait decided to pull down her pants and fart on her and basically they were just running like mad people. She called her fiancee to have him fake he was the police and was going to come get them. HA! They didn't stop, her "play" talk didn't do a thing to them.
Interestingly enough, she "disappeared". Suddenly moved and I wasn't able to contact her again. That was respite worker #3. ROFL. We eat them up and spit them out here.
Renee
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