Who do you call when you need help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Who do you call when you need help?
24
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:31pm

There have been a lot of posts about horrible terrible days and mom's feeling out of control and down and overwhelmed and it made me wonder...who do you call when you need a break?

I am lucky to have a DH who will look after the kids when I need some time off (not nearly as much as I think he should but still he does it). And we are truly blessed that my parents live close by so they willingly carry some of the burden, though they are in their 70's so I can't use them too often. And my sister will sometimes watch them IF they go to her house (which is not the best place for two active kids) and IF I'm only going to be for a short amount of time. So I do have a safety vavle.

But we don't have a regular babysitter. I dream of finding some college student who is majoring in special ed who is willing to take on my kids for a few hours here and there. Someone who understands why I need them to come around and become familiar before I feel comfortable leaving. Someone who is mature enough to handle a outburst and mature enough to know when she needs me to come home NOW. Cause I know I can't just leave them with the jr. high girl from around the block.

Do you have good family support? Do you have babysitters? Do you trade kids with another mom of an ASD kid? What do you do?

Mostly I'm curious and also I'm trying to get some ideas for our own situation.

Thanks,

Heather

                                

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:12pm

We are lucky in having lots of good folks around. The thing is he no longer wants to be "sat" very much, last Summer we let our long-time date day sitter go because she was really a sitter and treated him that way. Sweet, but not a pal. It just works better for him to hang with grownup friends with whom he has his own friendships (some of whom we do pay a little and some who won't let us). Many of these were members of my theatre company and have known him since he was a baby. 2 of his current sitters sat him when he was a toddler and take him to their homes in Bronx where there are lots of other kids around, relatives of theirs he's known a long time, happy happy times.

But of course the situation he wants these days is to go hang at a KID friend's house or even have an overnight and that is what we do the most. And these overnights/hangouts are reciprocated, which is how I often have at least one other boy here - sometimes up to 3 or 4 more at any given time, esp. over weekend starting on Friday evenings.

We also have a few neighbors where we can pop him for a few hours, although they can be hard to get ahold of --- and he can be left alone now for short times while we run errands -- he so knows how to call our cels if he's lonely or can't find something!

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:20pm

help? what's that?

i'm a single mom with 5 siblings and parents who live within walking distance to me. none watch my son. if he wants company i invite the cousins over to my house. in the past 9 yrs he was asked 1x to go to the movies. every year we have a sleepover for son's b-day. he has never slept at any of their houses. if he's invited to parties (bowling,paintball etc,) i attend with him. no one ever says"just drop him off". i say that to them any time they need to to something.if the cousins come to my house at least my son gets to spend time with them.

my dearest friend (who gets my son) moved to another state a few yrs ago. she will travel the hour and a half to watch him when i must attend something. all other errands, including social activites, happen in the 30 hrs a week son spends with his dad. that time includes 1 overnite. when son is not home i work a second job.

no babysitters. no one could handle him before and now people don't want to give him another chance. what they don't see is that i need some time to get everyday stuff done.

for me- i read, take long relaxing baths and try to enjoy being with my son (even if i don't like what he is doing). now that the nice weather is here we can go outside. this year he has actually worked along side me in the yard (YEAH!!!) and he also sleeps better at nite after being outside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:58pm

Help....help....heeellllppp!!! large roll of laughter, lollolol!!!

Actually my dh is one of the good un's. He is great with the kids. In-laws are in Florda and will only leave that state if it's in a pine box;) My Mum is in Ireland but does visit 2-3 times a year and when she is here she is awesome. When my Dad visits it's like having another ASD kid....hmmmm wonder where it stems from:)

We have tried the odd baby sitter with students from dh's school, but no one permanent (always take the baby out with us though). I do have a decent neighbor who was great when Roan was born, but I do know she'd rather take Cian of all of them (he's just plain easier than Liam....although lateley...hmm). I am hoping when we eke up the waiting list from the state we can get some respite that will at least take Liam a bit so the rest of the family can co-exist a little without eggshell walking. But like I said if Cian keeps it up he'll be gettting an eval too.

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:17pm

hey Heather


One thing I learned realy early (pre-dx) was that if I don't force myself to go out of the house alone, I have my own meltdowns.

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Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:22pm

Deb just read my mind. An add in the local college for an education/special ed bulliten board might be a great idea.

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:09am

We have no parents alive, aunts or siblings around to help out, or to share our great son with for that matter. We did find one great lady, in her early 20s, who stayed with our son twice but she has three other jobs and getting her was almost impossible.

He has stayed with a neighbour once, she is in her 50s, great grandma to her own grandchildren. But, I still don't feel comfortable leaving him with her. I don't feel like she understands my son's stimming even though I've explained my son's behaviour to her. I feel like her husband or others might make a comment. She also would rather him come to her house and I would rather her come to my home so we just don't ask her to look after him.

My son is in bed at 7:30 or 8 every night. He's up at 6 or 7 regardless of his bedtime, if goes to be at 11 he is up very early no matter what. If I do get overwhelmed I take some time just for myself after he's in bed. Or during the day my husband and him go swimming or just hang out at home and I go shopping for clothes by myself (no groceries or Wal-Mart shopping, too stressful), I read or talk to a friend, not about our children preferably. Yoga also helps although finding the time is tough.

It would be fabulous to find someone who has the patience and an open mind to hang out with my son on a regular basis. Maybe one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:18am

I have been thinking about putting an add in my special ed dept but for a teeny bit different of a thing.

I really want Mike to get out with someone. I would love someone who can take him out like a big brother type thing but at the same time understands autism and can use the time to teach social skills. Someone to take him to the park, etc. This was suppose to be part of his respite but the respite person let Mike get into an argument with a 4 yo amungst other things and insisted he wasn't the dad so he shouldn't have to redirect him.

Oh that and he got into like 4 car accidents in the last 2 months he worked for us. AAAGH!

So I stopped that quick. Maybe a special ed college student. IFFFFF I can find a way to fund it.

Renee

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Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:52am

You read my mind Renee. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a big brother/big sister/mentor program for special needs kids out there....

Edited to add..... not just a babysitter, but someone to hang out with. Someone to bond with. Someone who could give your child help at the same time give you some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:00am

In a crisis? Hmm, not sure who I'd call. I did have situations recently with getting my 11yo evaluated that I asked someone to watch my 7 1/2yo. It was the mom of one of his classmates, his best buddy's mom. Worked perfectly as they could have a playdate and I could tend to what I needed with my older son.

As for hubby and I dating, his parents live maybe 1/2 hour away and have no issue babysitting, even at our house. They have dogs, little guy is allergic so they can't go there. The babysitting really is only for the 7 1/2yo at this point. Our last date was a few weeks ago (Friday the 13th lol) and before that our last date was in November. We need to get out more!!!

When we were going out a few times a month, we did have a local sitter, but my younger ASD son had some behaviors she just couldn't handle. I found a sitter who had a brother with autism, but she wanted a LOT of money an hour - I'm talking around $20/hr. I had found some good sitters through Craigslist, but it takes awhile to screen them.

My younger son had an aide in K and 1st grade that he just loved and the feelings were mutual. I asked her about babysitting and she agreed. I never called her, but still have her info. Now I feel funny calling her, but hey, it's money for her. :)

I KNOW that I need some respite. Hubby and I NEED some fun time together without kids. He works loooong hours during the week, so the weekends are really the only time we can see each other and he can see the kids. We do need to plan another weekend getaway - only did it once over a year ago, my MIL stayed here with the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:17pm

I never realized Josh was an issue.. I always had a sitter for him wether it was a teenager. Josh used to really like the older girls when he was a baby/toddler. And I did 2-3 hours with Day care. And I used to belong to a Mothers' Center when he was growing up where we met with the other moms and he would go to the child care room at the time. So lets just say josh never had an issue with seperation.

No of my kids ever did. My inlaws have no problem taking a kid for an over night. Even now for each one's birthday my BIL and SIL will take that child over night to do what they want as special. I guess my inlaws are just as aspie.lol On top of it my SIL, works for the LI advocacy group now and she was a teacher. So they seem to have the patience for him. On the other hand. my Mother admits she never had the patience for Josh and his incessive chatter etc so I just never really pushed the issue unless it was a dire emergency.

Even now we have always had a running stable of teenagers to sit. Josh behaves. I think though as he is getting older he prefers the older boys siting because he can be buddies with them. And as he gets older where the sitters are more for his brothers, i will probably lighten up some of Josh's rules with teh sitters so he can "co-sit"

Also witl Josh being 12. He has learned how to get himself in the house of school days where DH and I are not home in time. And he does quite well. He will call Dh to check in when he gets home. He knows to let the dogs out and do his homework etc.

We have also let him sit for his brothers for short periods of times example when middle son has Den meeting and I have to be there. Josh will watch Jeremy. Same with a quick trip to the store or for me to go work out. etc.

I am not saying he can handle an all dayer/nighter , we might have some dead children if we did. But i think with Josh's well rigidity for the rules helps and once he gets a routine set in his head it is hard to break that. He can handle changes with warnings, and all. Plus the 8 year is well able to think on his feet.

Rina