Why do I feel autistic too?
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| Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:35am |
Feeling a little blue lately and wondering if anyone feels this way too. Lately I've been feeling that DS is making me more autistic rather than me helping him to be more NT. He has programed me to avoid get-togethers with other moms (& their kids) for fear of an embarrassing incident. I rarely make eye contact with others when we're out because I've been trained to focus on the task then get out before an incident occurs. I'm so sick of explaining DS or defending him, etc. that I keep conversations short. I'm already anxious about a pool party at my next door neighbors house this weekend because there will be lots of kids there (whom by the way play together all the time and never invite DS). I feel I'm losing my ability to socialize and I've got nothing in common with my friends anymore.
Don't get me wrong, it's not always bad. DS has been fantastic this summer and is making great strides. I know the pressure of our impending move is adding stress. One of my goals for my new home is to be more social and "let more people in". I also want to ease off the focus on DS a little. It's consuming my life right now and there's little room for anything else.
Does anyone ever feel this way? I use to be a very social person with many friends but feel I'm slipping into Vaughn's world.
Shelley

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Shelley,
I sometimes wonder if I've had the autie traits and passed them on to Nathan. I don't like to socialize much. I've always been rather quiet. Never really had any close friends. So staying home isn't much of a stretch for me. I socialize now, for the kids. I don't want them to NOT have any friends, like myself. I don't feel that Nathan's making me autistic, but that I could be making him more autistic. Socializing is difficult for me at times. I prefer to be alone or just with a couple of people. I know that I'm not on the spectrum, but alot of my traits do resemble Nathan's traits.
I too, worry whenever we're invited somewhere. I never know how it is going to turn out....it's always a "wait and see" kind of thing! It's a hard thing to balance, I think. To allow enough social interaction for them, and yet not too much that they become over stressed. It's hard having to explain your child to others. There are a few people that I see occasionally, and they all know....so it does make it easier.
I see people looking at us sometimes. But it doesn't bother me as much as it used too. Maybe my skin is just getting thicker!! LOL I know what you mean though, about not having much incommon with other moms. I feel that way all the time. Nathan has made progress too since he was dx'd. But when he's around other children, it's hard to NOT see the differences. Just when you start thinking positively about your child, you get hit with reality.
My boys do consume my life. I never really had to give up friends or a social life....never had it to begin with!!LOL Sorry, I guess my post doesn't help much, does it??
Hugs,
Michelle
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Shelly,
I think we all have certain situations we avoid or at least dread with our kids. If it makes you feel any better, a pool party would be difficult for us too. I wouldn't even attempt to bring my two kids to one, unless DH was there to assist, and one of mine is NT. How old is Vaughn? My ds is 3 1/2.
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say you have less in common with your friends than you used to. I find that raising a child with special needs is isolating in a way, especially if you live in a small area. I think I feel the difference more as ds gets older. I find myself calling friends less and less. I think it is because there is less "payoff" (sounding like Dr. Phil now) in getting together with them. Rather than coming away with a sense of relaxation and joy, I feel stressed.....comparing my child, wondering what they thought of this or that. There is sometimes more stress than pleasure involved. It makes me sad.
I do have just one friend with a child with similar issues, and that has made a world of difference for me, even though we both handle and approach our situations quite differently. I am an information seeker, constantly reading, and she feels her son has no "real" issues and wants everyone to stop trying to label him. However, we both experience the stress of helping our children learn and grow each day. We both experience the stress of a child who is far from compliant and predictable. It has made a difference for me to have someone (besides DH) who understands the "little" but BIG things. I actually met her when my son and her son were both attending a speech and language playgroup. Do you have any friends with kids with sp. needs?
Yes, I have blue days too. Sometimes I feel I am on a roller coaster.
Chrissy
Tina, I live in Ocean County. Thanks for the support.
Hi Chrissy. My DS is 4 and Yes you're right. there is very little payoff anymore with get-togethers with friends. Although I feel my son has incredible gifts and a fantastic personality, I can't help but see pity in their eyes when I try to brag about him. I do have one friend whose son is NT but he is an only child like my DS and has some similar mannerisms. She is like me in that she keeps a close eye on her DS at playdates. We both often complain how so many parents consider playdates a chance to sit with a drink and gossip. Those lucky parents do not have to moniter the interactions of their child, watch for anxiety brewing and have an exit plan in place.
Tonight, I feel like a horrible mom. DH has been on a business trip the last 3 days so stress is at a max. I took Vaughn to a park, then for ice cream and rented "A Bug's Life" for us to cuddle with before bed. We were having a great time but on the way home from the ice cream place, Vaughn started whining about bringing his lawnmower toy in the house. He's no longer allowed to have it in the house because he runs into the cat purposely with it. Well, a tantrum ensued and he kicked and threw the toy in my face. I lost my temper and screamed at him and dragged him by his shirt to his room. He looked so afraid that I started to cry. I pride myself usually on being the calm one who "knows how to handle him" but completely failed tonight. He told me he was sorry, and I told him I was sorry for yelling at him. I felt like a real schmuck when he hugged me and said "It's alright Mommy, don't cry". Later I tried to talk to him about what happened and apologize again for losing my temper and he said "Mommy, you already said you were sorry, let's let it go and forget about it". These are words I often say to him when he's feeling bad about having a rough day at school.
I just feel like a jerk. Here I am trying to teach him to learn to control his outbursts and I set a terrible example. I think that's another one of hardest things about having a special needs kid. You second guess everything you do. I worry about how everything I do may or may not affect his progress or contribute to a regression. This move we are making to North Carolina is a great opportunity for DH, career-wise. We can be financially secure, live in a beautiful neighborhood, and have savings in place for Vaughn's future. We would leave an area where parents are super-competitive and live their lives through their children, taxes are exorbant and traffic is unbearable. But we would be taking Vaughn away from his 6 cousins...the only friends who love him unconditionally, his grandparents who not only love him but give me respite often, and his school where although it's far from perfect, genuinely cares for their kids, offers many services but remains charmingly "small-town".
Sorry to ramble...I can't wait until DH gets home tonight. I'm a big baby when he's away.
Thanks for listening.
Shelley
Yes Shelly I agree. My ds has consumed my everything lately. I feel I listen to others thinking " yeah whatever" and really focusing on how things will or will not affect my ds. I'm trying to lessen this but it's easier said then done. I'm not sure how much I should tell people of my ds's diagnosis, because although it explains some of his behaviors I don't want others to exclude him or look at him differently.
Amanda
I guess I'm a bit more like Michelle. I've never been very social. I've basically got two friends, aside from DH. Both of them have similar aged kids with AS-like traits. Our conversations are almost always about raising our quirky, wonderful, exhausting children. If I cannot open up and talk about IEP meetings, bedtime difficulties, and psychiatric medications, then I'd rather just not talk at all.
We've done NO socializing at all this summer. No playgrounds (they hate the barely-supervised crowds of daycamp kids, and so do I.) No swimming pool ("No WAY, I HATE the pool.") No going for walks. Nothing but staying in the house and playing with Lego. David is obsessed with Lego, which is a fine thing to be obsessed with, I suppose. And Nathan just hates anything new and different, unless it involves candy. I don't think they have left the house in over two weeks. That can't be right, but I think it is. I open the door; it's a beautiful day, but they won't go outside. Or one will, but the other won't. I guess it's pretty weird.
And, yes, I suppose I do feel kind of autistic at times. When I take my kids shopping, which I avoid as much as possible, we seem to stumble along together in an odd way. At least one of my kids usually has his hands over his ears, and the other one is spinning...and I'm just trying not to let the whole lot of us crash into anything. LOL! And only one of us is DX with an ASD!!
Evelyn, mom of David 7 (AS) and Nathan, almost 4
Yeah, that is definitely me. And I have been at it so long I don't know how to do social gatherings anymore even when the kids aren't with me.
I noticed it really badly this summer. I have one friend/aquaintance with 2 AS kids. We used to be quite friendly but have definitely grown apart. Mostly due to Mike's troubles over the last year and David being so difficult. I noticed I have grown away from loads of friends. She invited us over to swim with some other families 2 times this summer and each time I feel completely out of my element. This one lady has SN kids but the others did not. I felt so nervous the whole time that the boys would have a behavior problem or Cait wouldn't say something innappropriate or weird and then I would have to try to explain to them and hope they would actually get it.
See the problem is as the get older and taller, you can't use thier age as an excuse anymore or a little speech problem. Unless someone knows autism they wouldn't know that the kids are different. Instead what I have are kids who are definitely old enough that they should know better and they don't. And old enough that other kids are noticing they are different and "weird".
Ok, gotta stop being a bummer now. I am sorry, just got back from a very autistic camping trip with lots of embarrassments and alot of times this summer where I notice even when the kids aren't there, I don't know how to socialize anymore anyway. I have no idea what most people are talking about with new stuff. Unless it is IEP's and therapy I have no idea most of the time what they are talking about and feel like an idiot.
Renee
When I was feeling that way 2 yrs ago I decided to get a part time job. I'd been a stay at home mom for 10yrs so I was really anxious about it, waffling back and forth. But I was obsessing about helping the kids and depressed. Getting a job has been great for me. Everyone tells me how much happier I am. And its true. I get to talk to adults. Its amazing what that can do for depression, lol.
Samantha
Shelley, I always get overwhelmed when dh goes away too. I hope your weekend will be better now that he is home. :)
Renee, you are so right about the as they get older and taller you can't explain behavior away as easily. We are just now hitting that stage and it is hard. I don't even try to explain....not ever. I just say "so sorry" to the parent/child involved and then go over and address the misbehavior with ds, in a manner that is appropriate for him. But I am definitely feeling a difference as he gets older, and he is only 3 1/2! I guess the differences become more apparent as time goes on. Ugh.
Samantha, It is funny you say that. Lately I have been feeling a desire to go back to work and focus on something else in my life....stop obsessing about ds's progress. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to be free to make the best placement decisions for him, based on his needs not my work schedule. In two years when he goes to kindergarten, then I will go back to teaching. I know what you mean though, about talking to adults. What I also miss is the positive input....folks regularly telling you you are doing a great job and making a difference for their child....something you don't get much as a parent. :)
Chrissy
Yes, Shelley. I feel the same way you do. It is very hard to make friends with people who have NT kids because they don't understand the issues. Cassian can't socialize with their kids, and I have to devote so much energy to controling him in most places that I cannot talk to other parents anyway. DH and I hardly have a chance to go out ever because we have never found a babysitter who can handle Cassian. My Mom is the only person who really knows him and can watch him. It's just a hard situation all around, and we do feel more isolated than we have ever been.
Suzi
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