Why do inlaws do this stuff?

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Why do inlaws do this stuff?
8
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:43pm

Hi everyone,

I have mentioned in the past that David (7, AS) sometimes has trouble controlling what comes out of his mouth. You know how 7-year-old boys typically get a big kick out of gross potty humor? Well, he's like that, but he can't seem to keep from blurting out that stuff at the dinner table, or other inappropriate times and places. First thing in the morning, when everyone is still in bed, he shouts out, "BUTT CRACK!!!!" He used to do that all the time before he went on meds, but we haven't had to deal with that in a while. It's happening again now, although not to the same extent.

I try to be tolerant, but I want my home to be a place where I NEVER have to listen to someone shouting about poop or boogers or penises. He's been doing pretty well up until a week ago, but some PARENT at school DONATED the "Captain Underpants" books to the classroom. Of course, they have no idea the difficulty I've had with David, but he is very easily influenced by stuff like that. Those kinds of books just set him off. (I can only imagine how obnoxious he'd be if he had unlimited access to television.) I wrote a note to the teacher, expressing my concern, and asked if she could try to steer him towards other free-reading books. I haven't gotten a response.

So...with all that in mind...we just got a package from MIL, who lives overseas in Wales. A collection of "Horrid Henry" books. They are about this nasty, horrible child who is rude and unkind to people. It's supposed to be funny, and I suppose it would be to a 7-year-old boy. But I know David, and I know that he'll start acting out what he reads, so I hid the books. DH and I have tried to tell MIL and FIL that David is very impressionable AND unable to exercise good judgement in these matters, and that when they give him books that send the message "rude and offensive is funny", he behaves in a rude and offensive manner. They don't get it. They think it's harmless fun, and it probably is for other kids. Of course, whenever they see his "rude and offensive" behavior, they think it must have something to do with my parenting techniques. He's probably just acting out against this over-controlling mother who censors his reading material! LOL! (You'd laugh, too, if you could see our overflowing bookshelves)

I guess this is all pretty long-winded. I'm just annoyed. I know I can't keep him from being influenced by the world around him, and that maybe these are opportunities to work on life skills, etc. (except we've already tried everything.) But I don't know why the in-laws insist on sending him those kinds of books. I'd like to send him to live with them for a week, and let him read all those books on the plane. LOL! They wouldn't get it, though.

Grrr.

Evelyn

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:59pm

Dear Evelyn,

I understand your feelings, but you did have a boy child and one with difficulty understanding social cues. I pick my battles here, as I know I am much more on top of him and his every move compared to my friends with NT kids. And sometimes, boys need to be boys. I do let him get away with a little potty humour with his friends (he LOVES Captain Underpants). But when he really crosses the line, too gross, and escalating, he gets one warning and then removal of privileges, one at a time, until he stops. I do, however, give him ways to earn the privileges back for infractions as small as a potty mouth gone wild once he stops and if he doesn't make too big a deal of it.

So far, this has worked very well. He hasn't gotten too extreme with any regularity! When he is really having behavior issues and needs reminding, we put up a chart for privileges, chores, etc. and keep track visually. In the last year, he hasn't needed the chart often, though, we can do it verbally.

I guess my point is I'd rather let him participate a little in what other kids joke about, but also teach him restraint and appropriateness. He can't learn by never being around this humour, plus frankly, in the long run it's unavoidable.

Just my thoughts,

Sara

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:51am

Yeah we have huge potty humor issues here. Heck Cait still uses potty humor at 11.

I was very nervous at 7 when she was doing it until I found out that my friends very NT 7yo daughter and all her classmates were doing the same thing. Thing is with Aspie's, they can tend to get stuck on it more and stick with it longer. It is no longer age appropriate for an 11 year old girl in middle school to use potty humor. Fortunately she is getting the idea not to do it at school and reserves it for when she is with me. It is getting better though.

They pick it up everywhere. And yes, Mike had a huge obsession with Capt. Underpants a year ago. I just let him work through it as long as he didn't say anything to innappropriate in the wrong places. Then he would get a warning and time out.

If you are that concerned with the books, I would just take them (since they are new) to your local Barnes and Noble and exchange them for something else.

My family has a horrible time trying to buy gifts for the kids. It is very hard on them and I know they are tiring of buying animals for Cait and legos for Mike. Often now we get gift certificates, magazine subscriptions or I just exchange.

One thing my mom did when she lived cross country was to send me the money and a card for the kids. Then I could buy what ever I felt appropriate and attach her card. Saved her from trying to figure out what was appropriate AND from spending extra on shipping. Perhaps mention the same. They can save on shipping and you will do all the wrapping for them and attach thier card. He'd never be the wiser.

Renee

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:40pm

I guess our problem has always been what to do when it escalates. Like, at home, he'll start singing, "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a penis, stuck a shotgun up his butt and killed himself!" So, I tell him I don't want to hear that. He'll be quiet for a few minutes and then start up with another one. Then his little brother starts in.

I've never really been able to think of any priveleges I can take away. His obsession is Legos, but there is no "away" to take them to. I mean, I could gather them all up (there are lots) and put them...where? Besides, Legos seem so unconnected from the offense, but it's all he really cares about. I've considered letting him earn a sticker for each day he doesn't go overboard with the potty talk, and letting him get a little Lego set or something after X stickers. But then I have to define for him what "going overboard" is. I don't have a problem with him and his brother giggling about poop and boogers ...but when it's at the dinner table, or when it becomes gruesome, I don't want to hear it. He doesn't seem to get that distinction.

I know the potty humor is part of being a little boy, and maybe I should lighten up and live with it. But he needs to learn that you only say it around other people who are amused by it, and NOT around people who are offended by it.

Evelyn :)

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Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 5:20pm

Okay...my two cents differ from others, so please nobody take offense! This is just "our way" of handling potty humor.

My 8 y/o is diagnosed as AS, and we've never let him get away with anything that we consider inappropriate behavior. The rule in our house, as it relate to autism, is simple-Austism is NEVER an excuse for inappropriate behavior. The reality is, since most kids on the spectrum can't identify what is or isn't "crossing the line" ours is a zero tolerance policy.

For example, several months ago my husband heard our son say to his sisters, "Look at me shake my wiener!" Not only did the tone of DH's voice make him understand the error of his ways, but he lost his electronics (yes- all of them-TV, video games, computer, radio, Gameboy, laval lamp, even his alarm clock) for a week. We also explained to him why that type of talk is not only unacceptable in our home, it is unacceptable in public.

This was the first time we heard "potty humor" in our house- and so far, it hasn't happened again.

Amy W.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 7:06pm

Well, if Mike was asking people to look at him shake his weiner it would be a zero tolerance and instant loss of priveldges. There is potty humor that is typical of kids and then there is the innappropriate stuff. There is even a difference between what is socially unacceptable and what is amung kids. So making fart noises, armpit farts or saying capt underpants lines (that are somewhat amusing) over and over isn't a big deal.

BUT anything involving innappropriate sexual behavior like seeing naked, or threats like killing are absolutely not allowed. And would result in time out and loss of priveldges.

When I am thinking potty humor I am thinking of right now when Mike is "burping" to bug his sister. Annoying but not going to hurt anyone. Or when they say "you farted" and crack up over and over. NT kids likely would quit much before aspies would on that but it isn't the biggest concern I have. I just explain to them that it isnt appropriate and thier friends won't think it is funny as they get older.

But right now, a boy who is 9 and can burp the ABC's is considered very cool by his peers.

Renee

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Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:47pm

So from what I'm reading,the definition of "potty humor" varies from family to family.

I don't consider burping/farting then giggling to be potty humor, I consider it normal-even DH and I do that sometimes!

Amy W.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 3:17pm

Digressing here, but this is my bathroom humor story:

The kids were in the back of my car, arguing, as usual. I don't know quite what Siobhan said (I had tuned them out), but Peter suddenly shouted. "Mom! She said a BATHROOM Word".

(one beat, two beats)

Siobhan (confused): "I didn't call him a bathtub."

"bathtub" has since become a name-calling-name in our house.

Sometimes, it's not what you say, but the way that you say it....

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:02pm

Yep, you've got a 7yo boy. And all 7yo boys love potty humour. My 8yo autistic DS also loves Captain Underpants and the Simpsons. So, while he does have exposure to type of humour, we also counter it when reading/watching by saying with a shocked face "oh, that's bad behaviour isn't it!!" You can turn even the worst influence into a learning activity if you approach it from the right direction.

Someone mentioned nudity. Things like nudity are are non issue in our home. The bathroom door is never closed and the kids are used to seeing each other and us naked while showering and dressing. Even after my shower, they don't even bother waiting for me to dress before starting with the "I wants". LOL If DS pulls his penis out, we simply tell him to put it away. We wouldn't punish him for it.

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