Why is it so hard for family to get it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Why is it so hard for family to get it??
4
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 6:24pm
I waited a few days to post this because i wanted to calm down. I was trying to give myself time to figure out if this is just hormonal, or if this would have bothered me this much anyway. And you know, i think i would be just as ticked if i wasn't pregnant. So, here it is.

We flew to Texas for the holiday. We gave DH's mother and their family the day of the 4th. She rarely gets the holiday, so i scheduled it for her on purpose. We had the Dixie Chicks concert on sunday, so i was limited to two days anyways.

Before coming, my MIL called to TELL me to bring Catie's swimsuit. Well, we took it to Texas. My mom has a 19,000 gallon diving pool in her back yard. Catie has really picked up on the swimming, and ended up having a GREAT time. She was jumping off the diving board with little encouragement. She would swim to the ladder, get out and jump in again. And she would do this for hours.

Anyways. After discussing with my husband, we decided NOT to take the swimsuit to my MILs. A) she didnt have a pool. So i didnt know exactly what she had planned on doing. B) we had other people to see as the day went on, and with her being 45 minutes from my mom, we didnt have time to stop and bathe Catie and redo the hair and outfits. So we didnt take them.

Now, this is my problem. Actually there are two. The last time we went to Texas, his mom gave Catie "for her birthday" a huge red rubber ball. Now we FLY. We can't take that home with us. She knows it. We know it. Catie can't understand it. So, my MIL gave her a gift she can't keep. Why not just give her a puppy and break her heart all the way????? I was SO mad.

This time, she bought her a pool (problem number one). Not a large pool. A TINY pool. About 3 feet wide, and about 12 inches deep. She is 3 years old. they bought her a "baby" pool. Now, again, she can't take it with her. And she can't even really use it. They also bought these plastic balls that float in water. His mom wanted her to go and sit in her suit in this little pool and play with these balls. Can we SAY she is THREE years old and not ONE years old?? DUH.

Well, i told her, OOOPS, forgot the suit. Sorry. She said "that is ok, she can go in her panties." Sorry, she doesnt WEAR panties. She isnt potty trained. She said "Well, can't she go in what she is wearing?" Um no, we have somewhere to go after this. I didnt bring sunblock. I didnt bring her swimsuit. And i didnt bring her floaties. "Well, she doesnt need her floaties in that pool. And you didnt bring a change of clothes??" Well, if i had BROUGHT a change of clothes, wouldnt i have brought her suit??????? AND, Catie isnt allowed in her suit WITH OUT her floaties. "well, she doesnt need her floaties" Well, you are TOTALLY missing the point here. Which is WHY we didnt bring it. She isnt going in THAT pool. She went to my husband, who not only backed me, but told her we had other places to go after her and to get over it.

Why is it that people totally disregard that YOU are the parent and what YOU say goes??? Why is it they think they can continue to argue with you and you will give in?? And why is it that they think that they can just change the rules and undo what i have spent a month getting through this kids head?? NO POOL WITH OUT FLOATIES... NO POOL WITH OUT SUNBLOCK.

After experiencing her pool incident several weeks ago, we have made it VERY clear what she wears and in what order it goes on. She now gets it. Why do mother in laws think that because they are a grandma they can just change everything????

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

Helen

P.S. The dixie chicks rocked! But they werent allowing purses OR cameras in the American Airlines Center in Dallas for security reasons. So, i didnt get pics :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:04pm
Short, straight and simple, its a grandma thing. My mother and mil are the same way. I stand firm on some things and try to be a little flexible on others. If you had firm rules about the pool and that was that, then I would have done what you did. Otherwise many of my rules go straight out the window at grandma's and grammy's. My son has caught on that with grandma he can bend the rules a bit. If I see that he is beginning to lose it I remove him from the situation. He does tend to have fits a little more often than normal because his routine has been messed up already with the visit. So, I usually pull him somewhere with me and we hang out until he gets it together. Grandma and grammy have learned to leave us alone during this time and mom is the ultimate boss. If you want, at the OASIS website there is a letter you can print off for grandparents about aspergers. I've given it to my in-laws because they were the worst about letting me have the final say of what goes. I'll look for it and post a link for you.

bless

bugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:45pm
Helen,

I posted the link on the main page. I hope that your mother in law will "get it" eventually. Mine has done a lot better since reading the "letter."

bless

bugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 10:52pm
My husband's family is so clueless about the whole AS thing (even funnier because it comes from his side of the family). The in-law letter from OASIS didn't work with my in-laws, they thought it didn't apply to them.

My MIL declared my son "cured" because he doesn't have severe meltdowns anymore. She said proudly "I told you he would outgrow it". Yeah he outgrew it in 3 weeks with the aid of Luvox and Strattera - LOL. My in-laws (the entire clan) have no clue how to handle ds and we just "baby" him, so they don't listen to anything we say and do it "the correct way" (you know 1950's parenting). My DH says it because they see DS so infrequently (their fault they live an hour away and are too busy except when they demand we drop everything to see them)that they don't know how to anticipate his issues. I hate to tell DH but even if they saw him everyday, they still wouldn't have a clue how to handle him. I limit DS unsurpervised visits with them because they stress him out.

My family on the other hand handle DS very well. They want to understand and work with him. Their attitude is this is who he is, they love him very much, it's not going to change or go away, lets work with what we got. It also helps that they are open to this, read up on it and aren't of the "bury it/ignore it and it will go away" school of thought (DH whole family are head buriers). I also have two cousins that have been involved with special education for 30 years, so they are wonderful resources whan I need help.

Good Luck,

Leenie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 11:41pm
Thanks Bugs,

I read the letter and it really made me think. I was sitting at my MIL's kitchen table and she was just so excited that we were pregnant again. And i was "sulking" and explaining i wasnt quite to the excited part yet, and she actually told me to "get over it and stop being so negative". Well, you know, if you had a kid like Caitlin, and just found out you were pregnant again, you would be a little upset to! Geez.

I KNOW a new child is a wonderful gift from God. I know i am blessed to have this miracle in my life. But i am having a little trouble getting past the "how much MORE work is this going to be for me, for Caitlin, for Mark..." etc tantrum. Caitlin wears me out as it is, and i am TIRED. And here i am pregnant. And my whole life revolves around "is this WORTH it. Will this upset her now, or later when it is over. Should we go, should we stay, is she tired, is she hungry", etc. How can i introduce a new life into Caitlin's and expect her to KNOW she is just going to have to deal with it? Stress is a little understated.

So, i KNOW in another week or two, i will snap out of it, get over it and be happy. As the saying goes, i will "suck it up and deal with it".

But it really hacks me off that my MIL acts like i am just making crap up and making people feel sorry for me. My job is HARD. It is harder than average. And i am cool with that. But i feel like i deserve to have my sulk-fest before i "get over it". And it really ticks me off when others, who have ABSOLUTELY no clue, down play my feelings and this situation.

I think i will post portions of the letter on our website. I dont think my MIL will "understand" it, and i dont think she will even know it was directed towards her. But you dont know HOW many times i have heard "you only have ONE child?? And you are complaining?" come out of the mouth of not only my MIL, but my own parents as well. Even my father has said it, and he never even had custody of us! That one is a joke.

So, Thanks again Bugsy for the letter. I will definately book mark it and keep it for my website.

Helen