Would you have said something?

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Registered: 12-22-2003
Would you have said something?
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Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:02pm

Yesterday I was having lunch with a friend who is an RN turned LCSW (social worker). During our conversation she expressed a half-hearted concern about her 7 year old's "hatred" of everything. This little girl hates Monday's because it's computer day at school, she hates her house (they live in a gorgeous house, brand new, huge), she hates their van (again, new and lovely) she even goes so far as to say she hates her life. Although when her mom asks her "why", she can never give a reason. Then, what seems like moments later, she's little miss happy-go-lucky, bouncing on the furniture, skipping her way through the world. (Literally.)

This child had some pretty significant health problems when she was born, and they've lasted for several years. Now she appears to be fine physically, but I'm concerned that emotionally/mentally there's something going on. Some of the other things that mom described sounded like the child had some sensory issues going on.

So...what would you have done? Would you have listened and nodded, or would you have suggested to mom that perhaps there are enough "issues" to warrant further investigation?

Amy

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Registered: 05-16-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 3:32pm

Touchy subject. I got a friend who's youngest got issues and she's in total denial. I basically informed her as much as I could and still answer questions she has had but I keep my mouth shut.

Your friend,
she's in the medical feild now a social worker, she knows what this is in the grand scheme of things. It could be just a phase. I was a brat at 7 too and hated life just beacauese I was a brat.

If you see MAJOR flags I'd drop a cue or something.

My 2 Cents
nora

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:21pm

Hmmm, tough one. I think it would depend on the person and my relationship with them and how much I knew the child. For instance, some moms I know may just be frustrated and over playing a typical kid type emotional rollercoaster (my 8yo can do that kind of stuff too. She is the queen of melodrama). But it may be more who knows.

Perhaps I would try to lead her down that path of discovery without being obvious, or trying not to be obvious. For instance, When she said she hates her life I may ask the mom how realistic she thinks that is. How is she saying it, is she looking for attention or could it be more? That way you plant a seed in mom's mind without being blunt. If she is already thinking it is a problem then you have just openned a door for her to discuss it with you.

Renee

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:37pm

tough call. I think I agree w/ Renee. If you're close enough to know the child and family well, I might ask some leading questions and ge Mom to think more about whether this is just a 7 yr old over dramatizing things or if she is really having issues. My girls both have sensory issues and have been through some anxiety problems. At first we sort of let it go but when it starts getting in the way of normal life (oldest would have stomach cramps so bad she couldn't stand up and youngest will melt at the thought of leaving mom to try something new right now) then it becomes a problem. Sometimes at 7 they express dislike in extreme words, sometimes it's a big deal sometimes not.

Betsy

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 6:56pm

Usually I'd say Spit it out"


However I

-Paula

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 10:42pm

Well I posted the message after the fact. :-)

I was very honest with her and told I thought there was enough going on to warrant further investigation. Between the health problem early in life, the constant up and down mood swings and the sensory seeking behavior, I told my friend (we are pretty close) that talking to a pediatric psych. couldn't hurt...but ignoring the situation could.

Actually, I suggested that she spend one week keeping a journal of all the of the negative things her daughter says, documenting the time between the up and down cycles and anything that "seemed off" sensory wise. THEN talk to one her colleagues.

This mom's concern was "If she's this 'miserable' now, what's she going to be like when she's 13?" My advice was if (after talking to a professional) this all seemed a simple case of overly dramatic behavior, then she needed to take her child on a trip to the poor part of town so she could experience just how much she had to be thankful for as opposed to the "I hate everything" attitude she's displaying. Perhaps some will think that's cruel, but if this little girl has already mastered the art of manipulation, then it's time her parents use a bit of reverse-psychology to get her attitude in check.

What can I say...I'm one of those b*tch moms, I guess.

Amy

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 11:31pm

ROFL!


Amy! You sneaky sneaker!

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:03am

Good for you Amy. You have balls.

But you are right. If you are close enough to the mom and the spirit of the conversation was concern I would have done that as well. It could be nothing, it could be something significant. Always good to warrant investigation.

When Mike was 7 he talked about killing himself on a few occasions. He was very upset saying it usually in a meltdown. He had just really learned about death. I brought it up with a psychologist and I am glad I did. He felt that Mike didn't really understand death but saying it had gotten a reaction and increased the behavior. He said to explain to him one time what that mean and then stop responding to it and see what happens. He was right fortunately, but I am still glad I looked into it. Mike hasn't threatened to kill himself since.

Renee

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Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:11am

Wow, Christopher said the same thing at 7/8 yrs old. I just ignored it, but also said I would be so sad if he died. He stopped doing it.

But then again I took it as him being stressed out in school, as his problems with his Dydgraphia started about then...

But then again, the boy was cutting his clothes up in school with scissors.

You just never know, you know?

I would take it seriously, but not too much seriously. I would basically go with my gut feeling, because usually its always right.

Lainie

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Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 4:40am
That's a really good point Renee. When the kids see us react strongly to something it kind of reinforces the behavior. For a while my son has been using the phrase "That's abuse". He saw it on Nickolodean! I finally sat him down and tried to explain that abuse is not a word you should toss around lightly. (Especially given our strained relationship with the public school system!) Back to the main topic my nephew has always reminded me of my son. My brother knows my son's diagnosis and whenever he complains about his son's behavior I just say "Yes, Dan does that too!" He either doesn't get the subtle hints or he chooses to ignore them. Anyway, That's as far as I feel comfortable going.
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Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:50am

Actually Paula, she took it very well. In fact, she was grateful that I had the guts to suggest that something deeper may be going on. :-) She said she was going to discuss the situation with one of her colleagues, so hopefully she'll follow through.

Amy

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