90% of marriages end with children wh...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
90% of marriages end with children wh...
11
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:45pm

90% of marriages end with children who have autism. Where are we?



  • Happily Married
  • Unhappily Married
  • Separated
  • Divorced
  • Unmarried
  • Other


You will be able to change your vote.


~Valerie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 6:40pm

Well, I had to go with other, lol.

Not happily married but not unhappily either. In between. A few months ago it was unhappily. DH and I are working on it, we have made a lot of progress but I can't say we are happily married yet either, KWIM. I think saying "Happily married" would lead folks to think there hadn't been problems when a few months ago we were on the verge of separation, and yet I can't say unhappily as he has really been trying and we are doing better.

However, DH and I had a very very strong marriage and it wasn't just the autism but that certainly was a catalyst. However, it really affected us and our marriage.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 8:08pm

(((Renee)))

~ Chelsea
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 8:30pm

Dear Renee,

I am also happy to hear you are feeling better about thing with you and dh. I have been crossing my fingers for you both and your marriage.

But, whew, this marriage with special needs children is super hard work!!! I know my dh would rather die than end our marriage or his fatherhood, but there are days... We do know a few marriages failing or failed with children on the spectrum, but also many, many more same circumstances who are just the best couples ever!

Anyways, I am glad.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:12pm

Ok - I voted happily married. Despite the fact that our lives are too hectic for him to have had time to actually divorce his first wife and for us to get around to actually getting married. Does that count???? There wasn't a vote for "happily shacking up"

Beverly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:43pm
LOL.....you gave me my chuckle for the night.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:05am
Hmmm. What if the problem is not the kids' disorder but dh who also has the same problems?! He's a wonderfully good hearted man, but his "quirks" have just about driven us over the brink many a time. It's awfully frustrating at times to be married to one of these personalities, but other times I feel guilty about my feelings 'cus I know he doesn't choose to drive me insane, he just does! At least he's very supportive of the kids, and I don't think that's just because they're carbon copies of him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 6:05am

well, it looks like on the board i am the minority. that's ok, i use to think i was so lucky and it would never happen to me. dh and i agreed that we didn't believe in divorce and it was never an option. he was a devout christian and all. great with the kids and still is. then one day something in him seemed to snap. didn't want the responsibility that came with everything anymore, IMO. i'm really not a naive person, but i also didn't see it coming.

so here i am taking care of 2 children with autism basically by myself. not exactly an easy way to find someone new. some day i might end up on welfare because working fulltime won't be an option. dh left for someone else.

7 weeks into this, i'm actually doing quite well. i'm happier then i have been in a very long time. not taking care of an emotionally distant husband is a big relief. not to mention how much less cooking and housework there is! between dh and family watching the kids at night, i am going out with friends and having more fun then i have in years. i am rediscovering what it is to be. i'm no longer just the Autism Mom, or Tim's Wife...but Valerie--person with interests of her own and gosh darn proud of it!!

so to all of you out there, please don't lose sight of your own goals and needs in your marriages. it happens so easily. valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 6:41am

Dear Valerie,

(((((HUGS))))) and a quick note to say you could be my mom writing 20 years ago. Although my dad actually didn't LEAVE, he just kept cheating and she had to finally kick him out... He had checked out of the marriage and responsibilities long before.

My mom did MUCH better in her life after she divorced my dad, and actually became a pleasant, funny, fun-loving woman, just like I had remembered when I was little. And she still is. Divorce was definitely one of the best things that ever happened to her, and she had 5 kids at home to raise. But, as you say, with my dad gone that was at least one less...

Anyways, thinking of you,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:28pm
Valerie, it pisses me off for you to think of how he gets to play hooky from life, but I guess feeling angry gets you no where (so I'll be PO'd for you!)LOL. I think you're advice is right about losing sight of our goals, very easy to do. I am encouraged to hear you are reaching out. They say the best revenge is living well. I think you are headed in the right direction and you have a positive attitude. Hey, I didn't think about the less chores and such. You can focus all that drudgery into doing good things for you instead. Please feel free to share anything you'd like or if you need support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:01pm
Valerie,
I'm glad to see you are doing so well and have such a positive attitude toward the future.
Teresa

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