Do you have a hard time with pictures?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Do you have a hard time with pictures?
8
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:51pm

OMG -

I found some of my dd baby clothes today. A time in her life that I knew her before autism. I remember her being able to smile and coo at me. I remember her at a year old in love with "Elmo" and saying some words.

I hate autism. I hate how it has destroyed so much. It's like a plague that never goes away.

I can't deal with it today. I have tears streaming down my face. I couldn't go to church tonight because I just couldn't deal with life today.

Do you have a hard time with pictures? Looking at the past? I stopped doing my picture albums not long after our dx at age 2. I used to take such care with each one. Scrapbooking and decorating the pages. And now most of our pictures sit in a "box".
Every time I look at them it reminds me of the past and for some reason I just want to keep "blocking it out". Sure today she is sooooooooo much better than the day I went in to just sign her up for speech therapy (I thought) and came out with my baby in arms and my dd hand in hand walking across the parking lot stunned at the fact that they said the word Pervasive Development Disorder and autism. I kept feeling like my body was moving and my mind was somewhere else.

How do you get past it and back to the "memories"? How do you get over the hurt feeling without running away?

Well, sorry. I don't know. I just had to get this out. Nobody in our family with all their "normal kids" understand. They just think all I do is see my dd like she is broken. But what are you supposed to do when your kid IS broken?

I'll stop now. I'm sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 10:02pm

oh ((((((Sweetie))))))


I can hear the despair in your post!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:03pm
I've searched all the sites I can think of, and can't find the lyrics posted online.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:14pm

Well,
I get by knowing that I love my child reguardless. Somedays I HATE my life, I suffer from depression and have been medicated for awhile.
It took me a LONG time to look at old pics of my ds.
What's hard for me, is getting professional pics done. The flash is a sensory nightmare for my child.
But if I can snap a pic of my son on a moment, I hold on to that smile.
Some days are going to be harder than others.

((hugs))
Nora

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:17pm

Hey Debbie, the other day I was in the car and heard True Colors by Cyndi Lauper and balled my eyes out. That is my boy's song and the other one that gets me, is In The Arms of an Angel by Sara McGlochlin (sp?) is the other.

I reflec and ask God for guidence and stregnth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 9:59am

YES!!!!


I am slowly getting over it now, but for a long time -for years, I couldn't look at baby/toddler

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:47am

Dealing with the pain and loss when your child is still alive and with you, but struggling... yes, this is truly hard. And noone CAN understand unless they are there themselves, which makes this a very lonely proposition. I just want to let you know that you really are not alone in feeling this way from time to time (we all do) and you need to remember that you need comfort and rest, people to lean on and also to give yourself a break for having these feelings. They are normal and part of our lives as parents of a child on the spectrum.

I don't have too many specific suggestions of how you might help yourself, but you must take the time you need to put more self-care into your life. Is there anyone who might help you with scrap-booking the years you haven't done? Sounds like that's something you really enjoy and maybe it would be healing for you to start again, but with someone else's energy and support while you try, shed some tears while you do. Sometimes just taking actions towards working with our grief can help us on the road to healing.

((((((HUGS)))))) Be gentle with yourself.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:08am

Thank you for such kind words. And everyone else too. Its not like I'm ashamed or not in love with my child. Its that secretly I have this very sharp hurting pain in my heart for her and nothing can take it away. I'm afraid for her. I'm sad for her. I'm at a loss to help her many time. I can't even write a decent IEP for her without a fight from her school. So these secrets get buried inside me and when I come across a picture or baby outfit or old therapy item, I just can't hold in the emotional loss that I have been dealing with for such a long time now. Its like the healing can't seem to complete itself!

I have so much guilt because I feel like since I really can't help her that I have completely let us both down. I have a normal kid and another due in sept. and there are so many times that I don't know how to not let this control me. So, I have boxed these things because I do care about them but can't stand to have them as memories at the same time! We have overcome a tremendous amount with God and therapy, but its like being scarred. How do you get over that? Anyways, I'm glad I'm not alone. I guess sometimes I just have to let it out so I can make room for the stuff I'm forced to keep in. :)

I think I'm gonna ask a couple friends to come and scrap with me. Maybe its time I face this stuff head on without hiding it away and that will help me grow to be a better mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:47pm

Just a thought that works for us to get good pictures. I borrow my sister's digital camera and take about 100 shots of Tom doing the same kinds of things. Playing outside, doing projects, playing trains (he's always playing trains). But then I can look at them leisurely and delete the ones I hate and keep only the ones I love. Out of every 20 or so there is usually 1 really good one. So I can get 4-5 good "cute" pictures that I can save.

I know it seems odd, but having those "happy" photos to look at helps me get through the times that are rough. And I know that I will be reminded that things weren't always bad.

Heather