Welcome to the boards!!!! Hope you stick around, this ladies are a great support system. As for your hubby, alot of our spouses are offically dx'ed or definately spectrumish.
I agree, the ladies here are very upbeat and see the good even in difficult situations. I haven't figured out whether I'm just grumpier or whether my dh is different from theirs (or both), but I feel a lot more negative about my marriage than most of the other ladies here communicate about theirs.
My dh means well, and I love that about him, but that is usually not nearly enough. I also understand about the anxieties making it hard for him to enjoy the pregnancies. My dh freaked out the first time I went to take a pregnancy test even tho' we'd been actively trying to get pregnant. He literally starts to physically shake every time something big occurs (when we got engaged, when we took pregnancy test, etc), and doesn't want to confront whatever the change is. I also had some bleeding during my first pregnancy. The first time I stayed home on bedrest, he came home later that day sad after learning that an old acquaintance had passed away but didn't express any concern over his own unborn child's health.
Dh gets exasperated with the kids and usually disciplines them in ways that make the situations worse, esp with the AS kids. Dh has lots of his own anxieties and is very clingy. He's even gotten in fights with the kids about who gets to sit next to mom (me). I cannot share true feelings with dh most of the time because it makes him sad or else he dismisses them.
Dh is extremely forgetful. Whenever I'd go into the hospital to have a baby, he'd even forget to feed the other kids at home. I'd leave him notes to feed the kids, but he'd still forget. He never gives the kids their meds, or remembers who should have what meds or why they take them. He's passed along wrong info from the doc about which kids should be on iron supplements for anemia (fortunately the doctor suspected dh wasn't getting the info right and called back and gave me the correct info).
Dh is NOT detail oriented except with things that interest him, few of which have real life application. He is horrible with money, nickel-and-diming us into debt, usually for junk food or some other nonsensical items because he has no self-control. He makes bigger messes than the kids. He'll sit in the middle of a pile of clean laundry and eat chips and salsa, spilling it all over. His shoes/socks lie all over the house. When he "helps" cook, there are food spills/splatters EVERYWHERE!
Dh has made poor decisions occupationally, including going against counsel I gave him which would have prevented his getting fired (he wouldn't clear up misunderstandings with his boss because he didn't want confrontations, so he ended up getting fired for things that he hadn't done). Although he's had a few good jobs with people who were fortunately very supportive (even without our knowing about AS), he will never advance to where he'd be without his anxieties and sometimes irrational thinking.
Dh hates housework and yard work and cleaning up behind the animals, etc., etc, etc., etc.
Much of the time dh reminds me of an overgrown 2yo, only he has more decision making power and his decisions affect the family in a bigger way. A 2yo is messy, tantrumy, emotionally needy, and draining. They are also sweet and quick to give you kisses and honest with their feelings. As much as I might love this child, a 2yo doesn't fulfill me or support me as a partner. It makes the marriage very hard, and we've had some rough times.
On the other hand, dh DOES try to support us financially, and I know that he isn't willfully trying to make life hard for me or the kids. He loves to remember every anniversary, special occasion, mother's day, etc. He even loves to get up and make me breakfast in bed on Father's Day. He's tries hard to be a good worker (IF it's something he's amenable to) and very dependable. He loves to spend time with his family and they mean the world to him even if doesn't know how to express/demonstrate it in the best ways. When it occurs to him, he is extremely thoughtful and generous to a fault. He'll never cheat. He's been working two jobs for a few years because he doesn't want me to have to work outside the home.
The good doesn't offset the difficult for me, but it makes it easier to hang in there. When I see other people go through divorces from mean, spiteful people, or see other families dealing with much bigger health problems, etc., I'm reminded that in the bigger scheme of things AS isn't so bad. In fact, my dh looks pretty darn good. I also read about people who are kidnapped, raped, tortured or who live in oppression in other countries or who never get to experience motherhood or other things I appreciate, and I realize that I do have much to be grateful for. I know that dh doesn't enjoy his disability any more than I do. I could have life a lot worse, but you are right that it gets very lonely at times. This board has been wonderful for me to feel less alone. I hope you find it valuable for you, too.
Oh, honey - we should talk!
I haven't read through any of the other replies yet, but you story sounds similar to mine.
- Christina mom to-
Chloe (10) Aiden(8)
I am going on two years dating a man, now 43, with an 8 year old son diagnosed with Aspberger's.