Hello. I'm new

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2002
Hello. I'm new
2
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:03pm

Hello. I am the step-mother and primary mother-figure to a 13 year old girl diagnosed with Aspergers. My husband and I have been working extremely hard to assist her with the difficulties she is facing, however, we are at a point where we are all truly frustrated. She is doing awful in school, for a lack of effort, she lies about everything and doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with that. She will carry a lie until it become absolutely ridiculous.

We have tried everything to work through this, from offering rewards, punishment, earning her favorite things. Nothing seems to work. We want to do right by her and assist her as much as we can to become everything she dreams, but we don't know what to do anymore. She works with special education teachers, they have rearranged her curriculum to suit her needs, but it just seems like she has no interest in completing work. Even with their assistance she has a 43% in her classes. When her teacher asked her to stay after school so that she could help her to complete her homework and to understand things, she literally RAN AWAY. They had to send an education tech to catch her, and she lied to them and said she had already talked to the teacher. Everyone is frustrated at this point. Any ideas? Anyone in a similar situation?

*~*PJ*~*

Pj: 31 Healthy  Kris: 38, Wonderful husband, Vasectomy at 23, Failed reversal x1

IVF#1: ER: 05/11/10  ET: 05/14/10  HPT+ 05/24/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:25pm

Dear PJ,

Welcome to the board. This all sounds very difficult and I hope some mothers who have BTDT will chime in with some actual solid advice. I wonder what interventions you have tried with this girl, such as therapies. She maybe needs help of a larger nature, possibly such as behavioral and psychotherapy, to help her question her actions and understand responsibility and culpability. It really might help to have a counselor who is impartial on a personal level (and uninvolved with schooling, etc.) to work with her through building a trust relationship and a safe place for her to learn and grow on a personal level?

Also, of course she is in the dreaded hormones time, which I know from other parents (my son is not yet 8, few years off yet...) is even harder for spectrum kids than NTs!!! Who often don't do well themselves, just because of hormones. AS just makes figuring life out all that much more difficult, because while they have language, they still are confused by their senses and unable to really understand non-verbal communication, therefore most human interactions.

Wat would interest me is why she is so unhappy, as any child who starts to resist school and all help must be.

Anyways, good luck to you. She is a lucky girl to have parents who care so much. I hope you are able to find a way to work with her and figure out how to help.

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2002
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:02am

Hello,

Thank you for your reply. I was a little worried when I posted, you never know how people are going to respond so thank you for your kind words and support.

For interventions she has some at school, she sees a psychologist and a social worker and works with special education. Although she is 13, we are new at this as it took us many years to get her any help. We were told more then once that she was just a poor student and we shouldn't expect more then that from her. That was said by her teacher once!! Different school, but still. Granted, I don't expect anything more then what she wants out of life, but we knew she needed help.

It seems that organization, homework and lying are our biggest complications, and on the grand scheme of things, with the things 13 y/o are doing, we are not in bad shape. However, as I said, we want to do things right by her and are willing to pull down the heavens to do so.

I'm rambling. At home we have tried everything. We have tried the traditional grounding, taking things away. We have tried having her earn things on a daily basis, so if she does everything she is supposed to do one day, she gets her electronics and other items, but if she doesn't she loses them for the day and has the opportunity to earn them back the next by getting caught up and doing what she is supposed to. We tried rewarding her with money towards her trip to Ecuador next year. None of this works. She seems intent on hiding everything from us and will even tell us the teachers are lying when they say she owes something.

As for therapy, I think you may be right on that. However, I am unsure how to approach that with her. She sees all things like that, includind her PET's as an assault on her. She gets very upset and takes it all as a negative. Her self-esteem is low, I know that. She is at that age, and I know there has been some damage done by biological mom who is truly just an idiot about parenting.

Anyway, anyone with any suggestions please respond. Last night was bad. We were trying to get her work done and she was crumpling her homework in my DH's face and telling him she wasn't going to do it.

I'm done. We are also seeking a support group in the area, but the more ideas the better :)

PJ

Pj: 31 Healthy  Kris: 38, Wonderful husband, Vasectomy at 23, Failed reversal x1

IVF#1: ER: 05/11/10  ET: 05/14/10  HPT+ 05/24/