Hi hi

Avatar for irishwhistle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hi hi
7
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 10:40pm

I'm an Aspie. I'm undiagnosed but it answers all the questions about why I didn't get what I didn't get for years and years. All these people all over, society they're called, assuming things about one another, age, personality traits, feelings, without substantiation, drives me crazy. Turns out they can tell and I can't. How perplexing and annoying. My sister was always telling me, "You should have assumed that." It's become a dirty word. But she has her comeuppance, and it's most appropriate.

Her son was recently diagnosed with AS. But now she picks my brain about him all the time. She read the description of it and found that the boy who reminded her so much of her sister fit the profile, and therefore so did the sister. Like I can help her, though, really... Childhood was a blur of confusion. I can only liken it to a person left to develop their own language being expected to describe that childhood in English. Even if you've learned enough English to function, would a life lived speaking of things in your own language ever quite translate?

But of course people learning English insist it's a bear to grasp, making it the ideal metaphor... When they have trouble, they explain the quirks and oddities, the perpetual inconsistencies of the language for their difficulties. The idioms, the random connotations, the enormous social influences. Find a person who doesn't function like everyone one else, and they blame the person. Blame us for not blending in automatically with a society full of quirks, oddities, inconsistencies, random associations, enormous social chaos. It's a world where every diverse quality is cherished only so long as it can be seen with the naked eye. And where almost no one really speaks anyone else's "language" but everyone is expected to want to and to fake it if they don't do it naturally. You don't lie and act like the other robots, they hunt you down. At best, they boot you out.

Not being labelled as a child is a mixed blessing. Because I hate to think what my sister is doing to her son, making such a fuss. She really makes a huge fuss out of it. But I went on for years slipping through the cracks, no one knowing, everyone blaming my parents for my "issues", my parents blaming themselves. I'm the youngest of 9 and was expected to just pick everything up the way my sister did. She was jealous of the attention I got for being a problem. I was jealous of her ability to get up, dress like other people, and fit in without trying.

I still have social trouble. I still stay on the outside because I always ended up there and metaphorically speaking, I've built myself a nice little woodland clubhouse out here. I seriously have this mental image of a world that resembles some neatly clipped country slub and I live with the interesting people in a place like the Neverland complete with a little house built of twigs and twine. It's darned cute. I may draw a picture.

I have strong opinions about it all, a share of bitterness for years spent thinking something was wrong with me, hoping without support that I was just a different sort of person instead of a screwed up adult who was once a forgotten shy kid. I realized recently that since I read about AS I have slowly evolved, or rather my thinking has, into the thinking that I am just a different sort. The depressed sinking feeling that no one would ever understand the real me has changed into the reassurance that they won't... but that I now feel confortable enough not to try and make them. The trouble is I now don't like them to try and draw me out... eh, well, life is challenge, I guess.

So as not to frighten you all, which I have probably already done, I am a 33-year-old woman with a great husband and 3 fascinating and exasperating kids. They try my patience but I have learned an incredible number of skills to help when patience flags. I have learned to separate myself from the source of frustration and to ask for help. I confess I have never held a job as circumstances have spared me the necessity. I like to think I could cope with it. I mean to try someday. I write, paint, draw, sew, read, play a pennywhistle (the simplest instrument I could find), sing (in the car), listen to music, like to identify voice actors and live action actors in film and tv, like to construct things and fix things (not necessarily good at it)... I make up stories for the kids, I have a lot of hobbies. I have a positive outlook on life that sparks partially from seeing the worst and knowing there's hope anyway.

Just when I think I don't have it after all, something reminds me that I do. This pleases me. I'm not a hyochondriac after all, not jumping to conclusions, not finding an excuse, not just a screw-up. I am me. I like me. I just do. I'm neat. I get a kick out of me, I'm not bloody boring.

Oh, had you all heard about AS and art, something about not being creative? Poots on that. We are so, too, creative. Bleah.

Pleased to meet you all, I may not come back. I've spouted an awful lot and may be too embarrassed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
In reply to: irishwhistle
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 11:02pm
Welcome to the board!

 


Powered by CGISpy.com

 

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: irishwhistle
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 7:42am

irishwhistle,

Welcome! Thanks for sharing your personal insights. You don't scare us! We live w/ people just like this everyday so it's helpful to know what they might be thinking.

I feel sometimes that I've lived that kind of life as well. Always wondering what just happened and why didn't that interaction go like I thought it would. why are people and society so difficult. I think I've figured out the rules and then --poof-- something changes and nobody told me. I'm much like Paula, teetering on the edge of ADHD-dom or AS-dom and normalcy; not diagnosed but seeing so much of my confusion in my children, but also understanding it more than they do, maybe that's just experience tho. I also have a really hard time w/ speaking the words I want to say, so conversation is difficult (but I can type what I want to say usually). I'm really not as dumb as I sound most of the time.

stay around! we're fun people and would love to have you!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
In reply to: irishwhistle
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:08pm
WELCOME! What an interesting view of the AS topic. Great to hear the aspie's point of things as our children are not (usually) able to express such thoughts. Hope you have learned some stuff from lurking, it would be great to have you here as often as you are comfortable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: irishwhistle
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 8:37pm

Hello again and thanks for the intro.


I am diagnosed with

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: irishwhistle
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 11:47pm

Welcome, Irishwhistle:

I hope you stick around, too. It's nice to have an adult Aspie perspective (bearing in mind that there are as many adult aspie perspectives as there are adult aspies). Don't be embarrassed about "spouting off." That's what we're here for! ;)

Paula, your description of your adolescence reminds me so much of my own. I have no idea where I fall on "the spectrum", but that teenage girl stuff that you describe was also incomprehensible to me.

Evelyn

Avatar for irishwhistle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: irishwhistle
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 8:30pm

Teenage girl stuff, ditto. I used to say, "Humph. Women." As a joke, inasmuch as I am one. But I've taken to saying, "Humans," instead, just to see what people do... which is nuts... I avoid eye contact so I never see what they do anyway. I'd be seeing those faces staring back at me for hours or days, so I avoid the sight. I have to flip over pictures on magazines... I even hate commercials on tv where the people in them stare right at you... Nuts, there I go with my stream of consciousness.

I still don't get why I don't get people. I study them like anything but they're still a mystery. This is the sort of thing that convinces me I really am AS... I feel so normal sometimes, not that this pleases or displeases me consistently... I just hate being wrong... but then I run into something that reminds me how far I've come and where I used to be. The advanced adult capacity for understanding and insights gained from parenthood have done wonders.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: irishwhistle
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:51pm

Wow, I'm really interested to hear you talk about faces... My DD (4.5 y.o., PDD-NOS) absolutely HATES seeing photographs of faces in magazines, newspapers, etc. If DH or I try to open up a magazine in front of her she gets super anxious, and we usually have to build a "wall" out of cereal boxes to hide the magazine from her view. She went through a phase where she hated looking at photographs of family members, too, but now she's flip-flopped with that and she's mildly obsessed with looking at photo albums from when she was a baby, labeling all of the people in the pictures, etc. So right now it's more that she hates looking at pictures of people she doesn't know. Oh, and her school picture, with photos of everyone in her class -- she REALLY hates looking at that, even though she loves school!

I always thought it was just one of her phases -- never connected it with her social difficulty in general. Thanks for the insight!!!

Jennifer