Hubby has AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Hubby has AS
14
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 10:37am

Hi-- I just found this board and I am wondering if you are all parents of AS children

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mommyricey
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 11:35pm

My dh's father is textbook. It's so interesting to see my dh, his dad & my son all in the same room together. LOL


Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
In reply to: mommyricey
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 1:30pm
I'm pretty sure my dh has a 'touch' of AS, but I'm 99% positive my father-in-law has it. It's clearly genetic on dh's side of the family...as is evident when you add in the cousin and nephew who are on the spectrum. Interesting family!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
In reply to: mommyricey
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 3:00pm

I totally hear that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mommyricey
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 10:49pm

Oh I feel ya! I totally get the all about dh-ness. Anytime I'm sick, something goes wrong, ds does something...it somehow always comes back to dh. Either its happened to him, what he thinks about it, what he would do. Very, very self centered. When I was pregnant, I'd say the baby is really kicking and he'd be like, oh my stomach is killing me too!!!. Hellooooo, no 8lb. baby kicking your ribs. That's a huge issue for us. Sometimes it drives me nuts. He gets mad because I'm constantly saying, "it's not about YOU."


It helps to know that they truly can't help it. It's just how they receive & process info. and how it all relates in those awesome aspie brains. What helps for my dh, is if I gently make him aware of it. He will make a fairly concerted effort to try and look at it from another prospective. I've seen him truly struggle with that. It's almost impossible for him to unlock the view that he has and try to see it from another angle. There is no gray area. Just black and white. It's definitely not easy being married to an Aspie. :) It's not boring either!!LOL


 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
In reply to: mommyricey
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 8:47am

Thanks Jen-- it helps more then you know-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mommyricey
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 8:59pm

Hi,


I've been meaning to write to you, then I forgot....lol. Anyways, I'm Jen, married to dh for 12 years, together for 21. We have one ds who is dx'd AS. My dh was dx'd 2 years ago w/Asperger's. It's been a struggle at times. The hardest part for me is the social issues. It's amazing to me what I take for granted, he struggles with. Tone of voice, modulation, even remember to say hello when he walks thru the door. He's much more animated with me than with anyone else.


He tends to speak to others in a very flat monotone. With me, he's very animated. I think its his comfort level. He depends on me for a lot of things. I take care of all of the childcare, appts. bill paying, cooking, cleaning, etc. I try to make his world uncluttered & less chaotic. He needs routine & structure. He's way more AS than my ds is.


He's an awesome guy & his AS is a big part of that. I've learned to look to the bright side. The positive points, to get me over the rough spots. He's loyal, incredibly smart, funny as he$$, incredibly work ethic. He roots for the underdog and is the most honorable man I've ever met. He just doesn't get gossip at all. He'd give u the shirt of his back and is incredibly generous. He spoils me! LOL. He's also a giant PITA... : )


We definitely have are struggles. Looking back, some of the social stuff has turned into legendary stories for us. He'll come out and say the funniest things to people, not even realizing what he's saying. I used to be humiliated....now I just burst out laughing. Sense of humor is key.

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
In reply to: mommyricey
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 8:50am

Thanks so much-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
In reply to: mommyricey
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 7:44pm

Hi there, I'm new here too and saw your post.

Kristen
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
In reply to: mommyricey
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 8:56am

Sorry, I'm another one who forgets to look down to the bottom of the board. I also have a dh who's informally dx with AS. We always knew the kids were miniature versions of dh, and when the kids were getting testing, one doc (psychiatrist) finally turned to me and said, "you know your dh is probably AS, too, don't you?!" Once we knew that the kids were AS, it was no surprise to either dh or me that dh is AS.

Dh and I have been married 15 years. We have had MANY significant ups and downs, esp when dh is feeling more churlish and immature. When the kids are in meltdown mode, it is particularly hard for me to deal with dh when he is also in tantrum mode. Instead of being my support, he's being one of my problems. It's helped a little since he's gotten a dx 'cus at least I better understand WHY he acts the way he does. It's also helped dh a little 'cus now instead of believing I'm always being mean or out to get him, he at least sorta believes that maybe he's dealing with an AS problem instead of a mean wife.

Unfortunately, for as much as we understand that dh has AS, it doesn't change the fact that dh DOES get overwhelmed and immature. That still causes significant impact to our relationship when he makes poor financial decisions, argues with the kids over who gets to sit next to mommy, picks fights with the kids, tantrums, makes poor employment decisions, leaves messes all over but doesn't clean up, etc. Sometimes dh really wants to be different and works hard at acting more mature. He feels better about himself at those times, and our relationship improves. However, when he's under stress and doesn't feel like acting like a grown up, we all suffer.

I don't know how to motivate someone (AS dh or AS kids) to WANT to try harder at finding better ways to deal with stress. There are a lot of things about AS that I find frustrating, but I can deal with any of them as long as my family isn't tantruming. The biggest problem I have with all of my AS family members is that they think that the entire rest of the world doesn't throw tantrums because their lives aren't as frustrating as my AS family members' lives are. All of them have expressed their belief that it is beyond their control to limit their tantrums. According to my family, other people control themselves 'cus they don't have problems and 'cus they have the capacity to control themselves. My kids/dh don't think that applies to them. My family is unwilling to consider that there could be another point of view. And, if they don't believe there's another point of view, why should they change their behavior?! My AS family members contribute far less to the welfare of our family but honestly believe that they do EVERYTHING and are still tremendously picked on. It is when they are in this mode that I want to escape them, esp dh. I totally understand that they have AS which makes their life hard, but that does not give them the right to behave poorly to those around them.

I have had many times when I was tempted to chuck dh overboard to keep us all from drowning in the sinkhole of tantrums and poor financial decisions. Fortunately dh matures periodically between tantrums and is a really good guy. That's the only thing that's kept me from leaving him so far.

I wish there were a magic answer for how to deal with AS dh. I at least understand how frustrating it can be. (I worry about when my kids grow up what will life be like for their spouses, if they should marry. )

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
In reply to: mommyricey
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 1:37pm

LOL sounds familar.. I am trying my best- but I get so frustrated with him sometimes--

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