Incredibly Unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Incredibly Unhappy
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:49am

Don't even know if I have the right to complain, it's not like he's severe, but I can't handle it at the level that he's at. I was incredibly angry at my team last spring b/c I felt like they weren't helping. We finally got the services we needed, but he just keeps getting worse (physical agression, hyperactivity, emotional)

He's on meds now, but we're tweaking, we have a schedule, OT, blah, blah. AND the psychiatrist says to me "Where is your husband?" Well now, interesting question. 4 years into this and he's exactly where he's always been. I'm overwhelmed, sick and tired of having 3 kids (one who is 40) and constantly telling him what he isn't doing right and trying to get him "with the program".

Today, he reduced the household to chaos, by making my son put on his shoes early instead of going by the timer and then insisted that he put on his coat (what happened to "pick your battles"??).

I need a hug and I need a group in my area to give me regular hugs, not political stuff like the Autism Society does, but hugs and "Yeah I have the same problem" ... and someone who will smack my husband for being an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 2:14pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 2:57pm

Thanks! You made me laugh. That's pretty much our bedtime, except it's DH yelling at Danny. I make the mistake of letting him put Danny to bed b/c the BH thinks he needs to be more involved and needs more tasks, hence the bedtime routine.

Mine are 4 years apart => Danny is PDD-NOS, Ryan is Mr. Chaos, my DH is a physicist. I don't think I need to say any more. :)

Yours are cutie pies! I would paste mine, but I couldn't figure out how to do it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:46pm

oh don't get me going on husbands tonight. I would like to know the last time mine actually put the kids to bed rather than just announcing it was time for bed while he sat his butt infront of his computer.

Help with Homework, HA! Help with dinner? Double HA!

He rotates laundry and helps do the dishes and pretty much that is friggen it but I don't appreciate all he does. Last year I had to put all the kids in the car an hour before most of them had to go to school to drive Cait across town to school then come home and finish getting the other kids ready. He left at the same darn time as I did but couldn't bring Cait to school because it messed with his schedule.

Ya know why I am SOOOOO darn angry tonight? I am taking classes, doing PTA plus all the usual kid stuff. Lately I am out of the house 2-3 nights a week with back to school, late doc appointments for the kids, etc. We have had a policy in our house that the kids cannot have electronics until thier checklist is done. Well every friggen time I am not home I come home to a house full of electronics and NOOOOOO checklists done. He tells me they "told him it was done". while he sits his hairy a$$ on the computer. HELLO! Most of them are special needs, you may actually have to be somewhat involved!

Tonight I come home from taking the younger 3 to karate and Caits clarinet is just left out of the case, her homework is spread all over the living room couch, her dirty laundry is all over her floor and here they say. Both her and dad at different computers. So Cait is the one who lost out. She lost electronics for the night because she dind't have her stuff done (the consequence) Dad should lose his friggen electronics for the night too.

Most of the time I do the mowing. Most of the time I do the minor home repairs. Most of the time I do the friggen errands, child care, meetings, planning, cooking, etc.

SO TONIGHT my husband can go take a flying leap of the nearest building. It is NOOOOOOOOO help what so ever that I am trying to teach the kids responsibility and he can't even come out to dinner when I tell everyone it is ready. Most nights we are sitting there waiting for him while he does whatever the heck he does.

UGH, sorry to rant at you. Got me in a sore spot.

Mine is in the exact same spot he was a year ago, 7 years ago and according to him it is all my fault.


Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:56am

(((HUGS))) complain away! this is a great place to do it. We've all been there. My Dh has days when he just ROARS at the kids. He often is just as quirky as they are. He does understand the value of a schedule and never vering off that schedule (he has had the same schedule for work mornings since we got married almost 17 years ago-- eats the exact same thing, puts his clothes on exactly the same, anything different and the world will fall apart).


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:31am

Here's your HUG! and here's a thump on the head to BOTH of our DHs! I could have written your exact post last night - it's eerie how similarly annoying some DH can be. My ds is 9 -AS and who reads all the books on AS? Who goes online to find out about how to helpds? Who, 24 HOURS A DAY (yes, even in my sleep!)thinks about, teaches our AS ds to live in the real world - I DO! Because my ds is so high functioning my dh seems to think that the Asperger thing is just a result of an overprotective, obsessive mother who reads too much! He just does not get it! He has made the big move of actually taking my ds to his weekly therapy group- which I am glad of but it requires absolutely no work on his part. I am always torn between starting a big argument over this or just keeping the status quo for the sake of my son.

I could go on forever- but you get the point - you are NOT alone- vent anytime!


Avatar for teri_b
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:23pm

I'm glad I'm not the only "overprotective, obsessed mother" out there.

Except I'm now divorced - so I get it from ex-hubby, my parents AND my new BF (who was a special ed major in college before he dropped out to join the military). "Nothing's wrong with Josh - he just needs more discipline." Ummm hello - discipline didn't/doesn't work. Ex-dh "disciplined" to the point that I should have called the cops for abuse! Nor do consequences or rewards - Josh does not grasp these things.

Some days I just want to scream! I have an AS 10 year old, spoiled rotten 6.5 yo who I only see on weekends, and a very high needs 4 yo. And they wonder why I'll just shut down and sleep the one weekend every blue moon I'm lucky enough that all 4 (counting BF) are gone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 7:26pm

Thank you! And thank you to every one! I feel a great deal better and at the same time amazed that the same behavior is perpetrated from house to house. Do they call each other??

I wonder if we could come up with our own behavioral plan for THEM. You get (a). Beer if you follow DS/DD schedule for the day (b). Out with the boys if you followed it for the whole week (c). Love (you know what I mean here) if you let me go out for an extended period of time and no disaster/event/etc occurs AND the schedule is followed EXACTLY.

Just an idea.... I'm going to fly it by my BH, see what she says, she thinks I'm a nut anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 7:33pm
Posts like these make me realize how happy I am to be divorced. Xh is a pain,but I don't have to live with him.
Hope everyone is feeling better today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:47pm

I had to double check to make sure I wasn't the one that wrote this. I could have easily done so. My husband never goes to Haley's appts. He is clinically depressed and can't get off work most of the time (or so he says at least).

At home, he refused to read through the bazillion books I have about Aspergers and various related "how-to" books. He won't listen to me when I explain how best to deal with Haley and her behaviors. The prime example is setting specific times for things... like using the computer. DH sits at the computer every waking moment (another rant entirely). If Haley wants to use it, he will always say, "When I'm done." That could be in 10 minutes or 10 hours so that doesn't tell anyone anything. Haley can't comprehend things like, "in a minute" or "when I'm finished". She needs a time as in, "you can play on the computer at 3:00". DH won't listen and says that's just stupid. His answer should be good enough. He makes no effort to understand how Haley's mind works. She isn't like this to be annoying. She has AS. Her mind works differently and DH needs to wake up and learn how to work with her.

Like you I feel like I have 3 kids. My 18 year old, Haley (9) and my husband. I just get so sick of it.

I hope things get better. Sending all the virtual ((hugs)) as the internet can hold.

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Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:02pm

Ahhh...just get rid of 'em!!! I JUST DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL just felt good to say that.

STBX didn't have anything to do with Nathan either. I did everything around here, but mow the lawn and make the money.

Since he has left the house, he's actually much nicer to the boys. Actually listens when they speak, and doesn't get mad at them for being who they are.

He's still mean to me...but it is better for the boys. They do miss him. But lets face it, he wasn't home much anyway. They only get sad, when they kiss daddy goodbye....well, Tyler does...Nathan is still unemotional about it. Otherwise they are just fine. And I'm doing the same amount of work around here, just don't have to be around a mean, moody, controlling, ungrateful person.